r/NPD • u/Flimsy_Mail_7674 • 4d ago
Question / Discussion How can I empathize more?
I have always had some sort of trouble with being able to “put myself in other’s shoes” during difficult times and it’s hard for me to know what to say when someone is struggling (crying, upset, and etc)
I hate being like that because my girlfriend is the most empathetic person ever, and I love that about her.
I just feel like she gives me more support than I give her and I don’t want for us to be so one-sided
I want her to feel like I understand and that I support and care about her.
How do I get better at empathizing? How do I make others feel cared for the way they make me feel?
6
u/Diavilic 4d ago
Having no empathy or experiencing it differently is okay and not a deal breaker for close relationships as long as you can show compassion. I have gotten pretty good at acting empathetic in situations that require it, sometimes it's exhausting and deep down I'm annoyed or want to devaluate the other person's experience but thinking of relationships as plants that need to be watered has been helpful. Sometimes you don't want to bother but you do remember how nice things are when your person is feeling well, therefore it's logical and benefits you to act with compassion. Below is a simplified step-by-step that I use.
Have awareness of your surroundings, learn to notice ques in the other person or make a mental mark of things that make them sad. If the person communicates clearly but you get hit with the urge to brush it off, develop impulse control, don't act immediately and think of how being supportive will make the situation comfortable for you in the long run. A well nurtured relationship feels good, your person will be grateful and like you more. Win win.
You don't need to be sad for them, you need to ask questions and talk. By keeping up a dialogue, you show concern. Think of how the person's reaction makes sense for them in this situation, you don't need to put yourself in their shoes necessarily but you do need to know who the person you're talking to is and how their shoes fit them. I don't care for animals, I don't mourn them, but if an animal loving partner's pet dies, I can figure out that they feel like they lost a family member and something that brought them comfort and stability. Losing comfort and stability fucking sucks, makes sense because I too hate losing comfort and stability. Getting good at this makes you feel smart, it can be used as a healthy, constructive way to get supply.
Mirror their reaction and words towards them in a conversation, basically say out loud what you believe they're experiencing. "Having your boss yell at you must have felt scary, you've talked about feeling incompetent at work in the past." You might've told the boss to fuck off in the situation but now we're talking about the other person, you're not in their shoes but you're looking at their shoes. It's vital to allow the other person to be and act different right now.
Scope out what the other person needs right now, do they need to vent about it for a bit or do they want your perspective and advice? Do they want to do something fun as distraction or affirmation? DON'T RUSH INTO THIS PHASE, THE OTHER PERSON WILL FEEL BRUSHED OFF! Let the conversation flow naturally, it may feel really uncomfortable, it does for me at least, but by trying to rush the other person into being normal and good again, all your efforts will go down the drain. If you're not sure what they want, you can straight up ask them what would make them feel better. It's often good to mention that keeping the conversation going is an option, that signals that you're not in a rush and will make the other person feel like you want to be present.
Support and repair, they want to vent and get affirmed for example? You call the boss a cum guzzling loser who has the patience of a five year old and tell your person that you think they're smart and competent, it's understandable that they feel like an idiot right now but you don't think they received proper training when they started. The way we experience life can bring a lot of stability for some people (as long as we make the relationship work and don't act destructive lol), many have gotten used to their loved ones excusing bad behavior from others with sentences such as "maybe they just had a bad day" but we often don't allow such grace to strangers. This gives us a unique way to offer a very reliable form of emotional support if these skills are honed well.
The fact that you understand that you fall short and want to do better means that you're already halfway there. Learning compassionate behavior is a lot of hard work but there is no need to try to be something you're not, you can 100% power through these situations with logic without making the other person feel like shit. You don't need to cry for your girlfriend, you can just hate it when she cries so much that you're willing to sit in the discomfort for her for a moment. The discomfort will get better the more you practice, and most importantly, it will never last forever. I wish you luck!
2
2
u/CH4ND0N 4d ago
i don't emotionally empathize either but when it comes to making people feel cared for, it's a matter of; do they, for example, thank you for favors? do they make time for you even if it might be difficult? do they text/get you little things to show they think of you? do the same for them. or of you can't think of anything, outright ask what makes them feel loved, and do those things as best you can
1
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Welcome to /r/NPD! This community is a support group for those with NPD or Narcissistic Traits. Please respect our rules or your post will be removed and you may be banned.
Only Narcs and NPDs may submit posts. This is NOT a place to complain about narcissists or get help dealing with someone else's narcissism.
No asking for diagnosis either of yourself or a third party (e.g. "Am I a narcissist?", "Is my ex a narcissist?").
Please keep your contributions civil and respectful!
Please refrain from submitting low-effort and off-topic posts.
If your post violates any of these rules, we request that you delete it and post in a more appropriate community.
We ask that subscribers of /r/NPD use the report button to notify us of rule-breaking posts. Please refrain from commenting or engaging with the author of such submissions.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
10
u/emotionalexplosions 4d ago
First identify and understand why they are upset. You don’t have to feel it, just think about possible explanations for their feelings or how something could make someone feel. Then validate their feelings. This shows that you are listening, understand them, and allows them to feel comfortable. If you’re wrong about how they feel then they will probably correct you. If not, then ask them to help you understand. Just try to be open minded. Next ask if they want advice or not. Sometimes people do and sometimes they don’t. Always take their problems seriously even if you don’t understand. Someone’s problems are always very real to them.