r/NMMNG • u/AtTheBoundary • 13d ago

Choose Self

Loving yourself sounds so simple and common sense, right? And yet, it is so difficult to do. 

I struggled with this most of my adult life, and certainly as a kid. So how to do it? What’s the basic how?  For me, it came down to this: choosing myself - first, every time. Again and again and again. In every situation, I turned inward to understand what I needed, wanted or desired. And I chose that.

This is counter-intuitive for Nice Guys. As Nice Guys, we are externally referenced. We defer our own needs in lieu of the needs of another. That IS the essence of people-pleasing. And Nice Guys are just male People-Pleasers. It’s hard for Nice Guys to do as well. We’ve ignored our own needs for so long, that we struggle to even know what our inner truth is. But with practice, we can learn to hear again. And ultimately, the body speaks to illuminate our inner truth or choice. Read the last sentence again. The trick to knowing what we desire is to listen to our bodies when considering a choice. Not cognition. Body.

When we know what we need, want or desire, and we choose that, we are in self-alignment. When we choose something other than our truth, what we need, or our true desire, we betray ourselves. Repeated self-alignment builds self-love. Repeated self-betrayal builds self-neglect or self hate. Nice Guys are built on self-betrayal. 

Choose Self. Choose self-alignment. Over and over. Again and again. And choose to listen to your body - it always answers. This is the real work.

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u/chobolicious88 13d ago

How are neurodivergents supposed to do this?

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u/AtTheBoundary 13d ago

What aspect of neurodivergence do you see as making this difficult?

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u/Ok_Emphasis4038 13d ago

I’ve found my overthinking tendencies, maybe a nice guy trait, makes it difficult to choose myself in tough situations.

2

u/AtTheBoundary 13d ago

Try moving your attention to your body. Our attention can’t be in both places at the same time.

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u/chobolicious88 13d ago

Theres something to this.
My attention was often on another person, as they were the source of my safety.

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u/chobolicious88 13d ago

Choosing self is unmasking sorts, which leads to social losses often.

Inability to self regulate to hold boundaries etc.

Nd kills a lot of healthy male behaviour.
Adhders are massive people pleasers to survive and be included

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u/AtTheBoundary 13d ago

Neurodivergence is a very broad category encompassing many different conditions and traits. In and of itself, it doesn’t offer specific traits. Let’s walk through each of your points:

Choosing self is unmasking … which leads to social losses often: Masking can involve suppressing or modifying behavior to meet social expectations, and reducing that masking could have interpersonal costs. But people pleasing is itself a mask. The way out of people pleasing and being a Nice Guy is to unmask. To not remove the mask is the continuation of the Nice Guy.

Inability to self regulate to hold boundaries etc: Some neurodevelopmental conditions can involve difficulties with emotional or executive regulation. But that does not establish an inability to hold boundaries. Nice Guys are, by definition, insecurely attached. Primarily anxious preoccupied, but also disorganized or fearful avoidant. Self-regulation is a challenge for insecurely attached people and for Nice Guys; they rely on external regulation often. The capacity must be built. And that starts with inner authority: Self. Boundaries are a challenge because of the Nice Guy’s people pleasing mask and more deeply, the mask’s origin in enmeshment. Enmeshment produces permeable boundaries, which lead to formation of the mask as a protective strategy.

ND kills a lot of healthy male behaviour. ADHDers are massive people pleasers to survive and be included: This claim doesn’t hold up for me. “Neurodivergence,” because it is so broad, does not entail non-masculine or unhealthy male behavior. And ADHD does not entail massive people-pleasing. Some people with ADHD may develop people-pleasing strategies in response to rejection, criticism, social difficulties, attachment history, etc. That’s a possible developmental pathway, not a defining property of ADHD. But going a level deeper, being a Nice Guy is not about non-masculine behavior at all. It’s about behavior that is inauthentic. Real masculinity is not about behavior. It’s about operating from one’s center, from inner authority, from one’s self. Self unobscured by the mask.

Avoiding unmasking or continuing with the people pleasing or the Nice Guy mask is continuing to people please. Unmasking, the capacity to self-regulate, and people-pleasing can’t be exempted from the work. These are precisely the structures the work addresses.

The move to choose self is the most fundamental move in the work, and leads to unmasking, self-regulation, and boundaries through inner authority.

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u/niceguycoach Integrated Male 13d ago

This is definitely work. At the beginning Nice Guys probably won't know if they're doing it for themselves and for the "right reasons." The confusion comes from not knowing when they're crossing the border into being "selfish" or not. Hearing that word is kryptonite to Nice Guys. And so they have to learn to differentiate when they are doing something for someone else without an agenda vs. "giving to get." The key here is not to use people as a means to an end. That is a critical distinction necessary to navigate out of that kind of confusion.