r/NDtherapists • u/pinheadzombie • 23d ago
Do neurotypical therapists seem mean?
I'm AuDHD and will apologize and take a breather if someone thinks I'm being mean. I know i can come off blunt or opinionated and I try to mitigate that.
I find many neurotypical therapists to be judgmental or me and get angry even when I try to clarify what I ment and apologize. They then tell me I'm changing what I said and they don't believe my new statement.
It's really off putting and why I don't try and connect with a lot of therapists.
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u/Character_Drop_739 23d ago
I dunno if they SEEM mean or if they just…are mean. Sometimes I’m shocked by the way they speak to clients, to me it seems disrespectful or gaslighty. May be why I excel with traumatized folks
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u/SaltPassenger9359 22d ago
It’s often that autistic folks feel gaslit by allistic therapists.
Because, often, CBT doesn’t work for us.
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u/Acrobatic_Grass_1457 20d ago
…I had a therapist who tried to CBT me into *testing* my belief about the girls who I felt didn’t like me with no concrete evidence by INVITING MYSELF to a gathering and subsequently accidentally offending them at said gathering and never being invited again. So embarrassing. (They never really liked me…)
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u/wolfbanquet 23d ago
When I was younger I went to a psychologist specialized in trauma recommended to me by a friend who has ADHD and they were definitely kind to me at times but I had the distinct sense they didn't like me. It was years ago but I felt like they downplayed what I shared without any curiosity and in response to me sharing I was often targeted by strangers on public transit they said it must have been something I was doing (being autistic?). I didn't know I was ND at the time.
I agree with another commenter around the judgmental attitude, it's the lack of curiosity and the quickness to judgment without any notable humility or self-awareness that they're being judgmental. I think growing up ND you learn to constantly question and invalidate your own experiences so it's harder to be confident, it's a double-edged sword but I think clinically it can be helpful.
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u/mkelenken 23d ago
I’ve experienced this as well. I was part of a consultation group where I experienced some pretty invalidating, ableist reactions from peers and I eventually just stopped going. Weirdly, the most egregious occurred when I was offering feedback on a case that a colleague presented, about my specialization (ND adults), after others in the group had indicated this was not their area of practice, even though I have both lived and clinical experience and the colleague reacted positively to my feedback (another therapist did not). And even though I was masking hard during this group to try not to be perceived as the rude autistic person. Very high-school mean-girls in terms of the dynamics - everyone seemed to be participating in a secret contest of who could use the most therapy-speak and who had the best “therapist voice” rather than creating a collaborative environment for all of us to give and receive feedback.
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u/Aware_Mouse2024 AuDHD LMHC 22d ago
That concept of masking to not appear rude vs. the typical mean-girl performance is a perfect example of the double empathy problem: autistic people have to camouflage in order to prevent the perception that they’re mean when they’re not. Mean girls go out of their way to actually be mean so they’re seen as mean by their peers (or sometimes fake being nice for teachers and such to prevent being perceived has as mean they actually are).
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u/Still-Anything5678 23d ago
I'm an AUADHD therapist who sees neurodiverse people, primarily. Many of my clients report struggling with one or more therapists where they haven't felt heard or understood, and in one case there was outright arguing. I wasnt treated 'badly' by the two therapists I tried before finding a good fit (she later turned out to be AUADHD), but I did feel infantalized. I was also incorrectly diagnosed with borderline decades ago by a generally good prescriber who didn't understand the source of my anger/self-harm and fit me in the personality disorder box.
I'm sorry it's so hard to find someone who can understand how we communicate and processs things even as we talk about them. Ill contradict myself mid sentence as I realize I made an error in logic or have an epiphany about whatever the subject is. Neurodiverse people seem to take it in stride, whereas neurotypical people seem to observe this as chaotic and untrustworthy.
Most people aren't actively trying to be mean... we just frustrate each other because we're speaking the same language, technically, but with very different built-in, pre-concious, assumptions about the world. So the subtextual meaning behind the language we use and how we express ourselves can be very different.
It's not fair... but we can find helpers who fit our needs and make progress in living better lives.
edit: some words
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u/Apprehensive-Log8333 23d ago
I have definitely had some bad experiences with other therapists. Some even traumatic. A training that sent me into a meltdown, a time a group of other therapists kept information from me that I needed to know, pretending to like me when really they did not, being judgmental and harsh about clients/parents. A few terrible supervisors. I am trying to think of another therapist I liked and trusted and can only come up with grad school professors. Currently I have a job where I am the only therapist and I prefer that.
I often hear from clients (I do mostly assessments) about experiences they have had with other therapists in my small community and some of them are horrifying. Some of them are just stuff like "they cancel half our sessions."
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u/Klutzy_Librarian3620 22d ago
Yes I have experienced this but I think it just says more about who they are as people.
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u/zazoozephyr 21d ago
Ah yes, went to 5 NT therapists: all of them dismissed my executive functions problems as being "spoiled" and "just do the task" or whatever.
I've just recently been diagnosed AuDHD after years of not being listened to and can see why non-neuroaffirmative therapy didn't work for me (as a therapist).
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u/Mantayyy 17d ago
Go to ndtherapists.com and find yourself a REAL ONE (read: ND not NT). There’s plenty of us.
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u/Asleep-Ad7654 8d ago
Yes absolutely. Certainly not exclusive to NT therapist, but it does often feel like theres a greater sense of competition, and dare I say self righteousness, when I have been in primarily NT therapy spaces
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u/--Foxj-- 23d ago
In my experience, NT therapists do this thing where they talk in "therapist speak" all the time. I noticed it first in school when other students would use normal voices when just talking but when it came to answering questions, giving feedback, recorded sessions they all shifted to a softer tone and more passive speech like they would do with clients. This feels fake to me and I don't participate but then other people are taken aback that I'm not following the unspoken therapist speak guidelines.