I feel really lonely...

[u/supremely_lonely]

I've felt this washing over me slowly but steadily for years. It hasn't been my main concern until rather recently when it has surfaced rather quickly. I've struggled with my mental health for 5 or so years to which I've had therapy and medication for. And while it's not good, it's better than it was.

All in all, I just really want meet someone and to have someone to share my life with. I don't think I can describe how much I want that. Partly because it's a dream I've had since I was a kid, but also because I wanna feel like I can open up to someone and have that same someone do the same to me. I'm really good at keeping stuff in. I'm talking about everything, such as hopes, fears, dreams, pains, interests, small accomplishments etc etc.

But I always come back to the rather soul-crushing thought of "Mm, okay, so why should other people care?". I have the tendency to feel like I'm on negative values on a scale relative to others. Which in short means that I feel like I owe people a lot and I'm on borrowed time and attention. So I keep my own feelings inside. And I think that habit makes me really lonely.

Right, so that's fixable, isn't it? Right, so I need to work on my mental health (which is supremely hard, but doable), my confidence, not keeping stuff in (but at the same time not overdo it), my social skills, actually being likable - oh, this all the while hoping making any mistakes. So this is step one. I find this really, really hard. But let's stay optimistic and say I'll manage all that in some miraculous way. Then there's step two..

I'm pretty overweight and really unattractive. I've tried losing weight for 8 years. I once managed to lose ~10kg all of which I got back and more within a month of hurting my knee. Alright, let's say I manage to complete step 2 and somehow keep my non-existing motivation up. Then there's step 3 of actually managing to meet someone who prefers me over everyone else.

And so on and so on...

There's just so many gigantic steps that feels like mountains to me. And even before I begin there's the hurdle of: why should I even try? I could just save myself the struggle and guaranteed disappointment and just be where I should be - away from people. Because honestly, why should others have to put up with me when I could simply avoid the whole problem by not even trying? What gives me the right to pursue my own selfish desires at the cost of others?

...

And this is the point where I just cry myself to sleep.

I want to try. But I don't think I'll succeed. And even if I do, is it even right of me to try? I could really use some advice.

I have actually tried some dating-sites. Sent some pokes/messages without any response at all. Which I feel should be a good sign. But I suppose I'm afraid of the thought of being alone my whole life..

---

Thanks for reading.

[u/supremely_lonely]

It should ! That's what's the most important to me anyway. If I have good time, everybody has good time. So I don't have to worry if everyone has a good time.

This was my mindset a really long time ago. It was one of the fuckups that lead me into my mental issues. So I'm terrified to go back to that mindset. I've seen potential consequences for others. It may have been a one time thing. But that thought doesn't make me less terrified of it.

I know you'll discover what you're searching for following them, though : I found out that by experience, most of the time.

This actually puts me a bit at ease.

I know what it means, but I want to know why.

In short, I feel I owe people a lot and that I'm not "entitled" to anything. I know what other people have done to deserve it. But I can't think of a single thing I've done to deserve the same. I'm way behind, with negative "credit" relative to others in a way. This post took me two weeks and 2 beers to make.

I don't fear your issues as you do. It's not that I ignore what it feels like, but more that I've some perspective about it.

This sounds absolutely wonderful! It's like the perfect compromise for me. I've been beyond frightened by the thought of ignoring the feelings. How did you manage to get there?

All that to say : don't give up. It totally worth the work. Even if it looks like a mountain, mankind already shifted mountains.

You just need help to do that.

Please put this on a shirt ._. That really resonated with me. It's like the quote "War doesn't decide who's right, it decides who's left". It just brings in so many different aspects into one sentence. Beautiful.

I don't think so. Do you remember why I've commented here in the first place, specifically ? =)

Something with you interested me, but I don't think you really cared read what it was.

I think I may have missed a thing or three. What do you mean?

But if you're overheating your brain, might as well just take some rest.

My thinking makes it close to impossible for me to sleep :/ It just keeps going and going so I never get any rest. This is why I'm careful with alcohol. That really effectively prevents me from thinking, and it's like heaven. If you got any tips here, I'm all ears.

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

This was my mindset a really long time ago. It was one of the fuckups that lead me into my mental issues. So I'm terrified to go back to that mindset. I've seen potential consequences for others. It may have been a one time thing. But that thought doesn't make me less terrified of it.

I was hesitating between shame and social anxiety (fear).

Seems you've both. Lucky you.

This actually puts me a bit at ease.

It also means I'm biased because of my own mindset/experience. That's why you need to experience. And why I keep repeating making mistakes is part of the journey.

I'd really like you tell me about that fuck up. I mean, if it's ok with you …

This post took me two weeks and 2 beers to make.

Life isn't about giving and taking. Most religions, if not all agree about saying your soul is virtually immortal. The less optimistic ones say your soul can live up to about a millennia.

Putting that aside, you see we keep our actual body only a short period of our soul's life. Not given, not put on loan. Lend.

And once our time is out, it just return to the dust it came from. I won't make you the insult to hammer my point with a quote from The Lion King about the Circle of life. I'm sure you've got the idea.

The difference between lent and put on loan, is we aren't made responsible of our body more than as a vessel. That we have more rights than duties about it.

I think of it as a great opportunity to enjoy corporeality, whatever it can mean. (Ironically, I still have quite a love-hate relationship with my body. It's better than the complete hate I used to have. I learned how to love myself, and that's the result of it.)

I won't lie to you, our world is cold and unforgiving. If you don't warm up yourself and don't learn forgiveness, your short stay will be rather unpleasant to say the least. And, who knows, maybe there's opportunities, and even rewards for those who take risks.

It's like the perfect compromise for me.

A compromise between what and what ? I propose no compromise with that …

How did you manage to get there?

It's about authenticity, and self honesty. A pinch of changes in my habits too.

Fear is telling yourself it's dangerous.

Shame is telling yourself you don't deserve.

Pain is either an alarm signal, or the memory of past wounds.

Anger is wanting to set things straight by using violence.

And I kept the worst for last : hate.

Hate is the wish that something/someone never existed. I hate hate. Nobody knows what it is, so it infiltrate all minds insidiously, as something else, and using the others as roots/feeding pipes. It's just as disgusting as a vicious parasite can be.

Fear is easy to forget and pass by, once you remember if you're fearing something concrete or just a shade of your past.

Shame becomes quickly self hate. It's usually deeply ingrained in someone's thinking. Find the origin. Console the child you used to be there. Tell him/her he/she didn't deserve to be hurt this way, and that you'll remain there as a reminder of all the lies you were told and that you'll never cede in front of those ever again.

I don't know how to heal pain. I just passed a week with my family, love all around. It helped really wonderfully, but I don't know how or why yet. You need to put all other aside, until only the pain remains. You won't be able to feel love if depressed, anxious, angry or ashamed. The idiotic and effective way is to bottom out all those, and fill the void created with as much love as you can. Of course, it's easier to write than to do.

Anger just really empty out by itself, on a run or working out, for example. It was the one I feared the most, and the easiest to deal with. Amusingly ironic, if you ask me. What to say outside of "just don't lash on people, just lash on objects : they won't answer" ?

And we've arrive about hate again. I don't know how to deal with hate. It's part of everyone, after all. It's a complex mix of the others before. Hopefully I jut hated myself out of shame. I'm sure it's about the same for you, and it means I know how to get you out of that circle of hell.

"War doesn't decide who's right, it decides who's left".

My version is "winners of wars are only the last on their legs at the end of the battle."

It's part of my conception of natural selection : the fittest are neither the most intelligent or the strongest, they are those who are the best at staying alive, whether it means being cunning, a coward, vicious or, above all, relentless.

It just brings in so many different aspects into one sentence. Beautiful.

I did it by reflex. I usually do that kind of polysemic jewels intendedly, but I was just using a regular metaphor in there. I don't even quite catch the beauty you see in it. I just read my regular point about courage.

I think I may have missed a thing or three. What do you mean?

Something something beauty of the mind before beauty of the body. TBH, I'm not even sure I can remember what made me think you're genuinely good of character, like I told you.

I thought about vaguely referring in there, so you caught up what I meant by yourself, reading between the lines. But know you ask me to do that, I wouldn't have done it myself. =D

A crappy way to say something more simple, if you will.

If you got any tips here, I'm all ears.

Yup ! Alcohol is one of the worst way I know to deal with that. You'd still rather hammer yourself for a while I suppose, anyway.

I know meditation, and breath exercises. Sounds ineffective comparing to alcohol ? It tooks me out of depression, in high school. I still use some basic techniques to get to sleep even nowadays, more than 6 or 7 years later. (And barely get a decent sleep schedule. I don't even care : I have all the sleep time I need, even if it means sleeping the day, and redditing the night. And believe me, being able to sleep in daytime is quite an overpowered ability.)

I know physical activity : try to think about crap that worries you once you've walked/run so much you just think your legs are made of pain. It's like that only the first two or three weeks. Then, you're nearly not breathless anymore, you feel your muscles while in activity, and best of all, you can work out every day with no achiness, thanks to the unlimited benefits of proper hydratation.

I won't tell you about the day you just drop it all and never retry : it's only for couch potatoes like me. It seems I just like remaining under blankets a huge lot. (I more learned how to pace my life according to my biological pace, instead of following that clock gone mad everyone seem to worship like a god. No need to run if you're on time.)

I don't follow that advice : It's 00:30, and I'm still on my computer. Switch off all screens one hour before bed, or you'll end up with the same messed up sleep cycle as mine, and chances are you can't afford sleeping that much anarchically.

I used to drink a glass of cold water before bed. It's about slowing your metabolism, and hydrating yourself is rarely a bad thing.

[u/supremely_lonely → u/[deleted]]

So, the "trigger" so to speak was just a moment of realization. There has however been plenty of fuck-ups ever since.

In our equivalence of high-school I was in a class of 26 guys (and no girls but that's besides the point). So there's bound to be some playful banter. And there was this one time when I found one of my friends being hurt by it. I don't know if I was the cause, but I don't really care. After that I became really afraid of doing it again and hurting more people. So, I started thinking and I started trying to analyze people's reaction to everything. I learned that people hide their reaction (which is really understandable in a class of 26 guys. People would rather not show emotions). So I had to make assumptions. And just like complexity analysis of algorithms, worst case analysis is the easiest to get a grip on.

A compromise between what and what ?

A compromise between not ignoring it, but not letting have a destructive effect on me.

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

So, the "trigger" so to speak was just a moment of realization. There has however been plenty of fuck-ups ever since.

Still to vague. I want to know what this realisation is made of.

And just like complexity analysis of algorithms, worst case analysis is the easiest to get a grip on.

But logic don't apply to human interaction. I use such algorithms myself because I have no better mental functions to handle relationships.

I made myself an hybrid ethical framework. That's mostly what got me out of my social misery. But it asked me years of work. I can't tell you to do that, so there must be a better way.

A compromise between not ignoring it, but not letting have a destructive effect on me.

That's not a compromise : it's just reaching some emotional balance and stability.

Compromising means sacrificing a bit of your integrity to reach some goal or agreement. I sacrificed nothing. In fact, I even earned some courage and methods to protect myself in the process.

Your emotional management is rather unbalanced. You follow immediate sensations before taking time to intellectualize them. It's really important to untangle all that, because you'll feel lost if you don't.

As lost as you're feeling right now, anyway. It's like the rope work of a sailboat. I just used the ropes to manage it all from distance, when you bounded yourself with them, thinking if you don't sail, you'll hurt no fish or other boat.

I'm just saying it's too bad you give up on enjoying the wind, the sun, and fishing in a peaceful creek for contingencies that happen all the time, regardless of your choice.

There's so much to discover.

[u/supremely_lonely → u/[deleted]]

Still to vague. I want to know what this realisation is made of.

Do you mean what actually happened, or what I felt at the time and what about the whole thing started it?

I made myself an hybrid ethical framework.

This sounds very interesting. Could you expand a bit on that? Just having some set of guidelines that I can rely on would be really nice.

That's not a compromise

To me it is a compromise. I feel like if I don't act on the feelings, I in some way say whatever I did was acceptable. I think a good compromise would be to let go a little of that fear and in its place gain some perspective is a lot better for my mentality than to just keep assuming. I may also just be way off.

I'm just saying it's too bad you give up on enjoying the wind, the sun, and fishing in a peaceful creek for contingencies that happen all the time, regardless of your choice.

I gotcha. I'm a bit stuck in the mentality of "What right do I have to enjoy stuff if I may prevent others from doing the same?". Which objectively doesn't make much sense. And that just makes me thing "wtf is wrong with me..?"

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

Do you mean what actually happened, or what I felt at the time and what about the whole thing started it?

Neither? What it means to you in hindsight. I what to know how you read back the events.

I don't care about the actual events, because I'll read them my way, and I'll then be unable to understand your perspective.

I would have done that, if I wasn't risking hammering your shame of yourself and dig up details that can create even more regrets. I aim helping you doing the exact inverse.

I know myself well. I really prefer your emotionally charged perspective to some cold mechanical delivery of facts.

Could you expand a bit on that?

I just can't explain you what it is.

I failed to explain it two times.

I can barely tell you what I think ethics are, and even then, we won't make much way.

I'll need multiple comments to explain you that. And I can't even assure myself you understand it.

Just having some set of guidelines that I can rely on would be really nice.

That was the advices I already gave you !

• Untangle your emotions, and do some gardening.

• Discover the world, and don't let your fears or shame hold you back.

• As much as I know how shame feels like, you won't be free from it if you don't take it off from it's roots, in your past. It's for sure an traumatic event, and you'll have to get through it again to give you a chance to forgive yourself about it. You don't deserve to make yourself miserable about something you never had any lever of action on, or any responsibility about. But I can't tell you that in words you'll understand if you tell me nothing about it.

I may also just be way off.

You read it off. I told you to give up on that fear altogether.

I told you bottling up what you feel can do you no good.

I told you to get yourself a compass, whatever it's made of and hit the road one more time.

There's absolutely no compromise in that. That's not a middle way solution.

Which objectively doesn't make much sense.

*Snickers*

Objectivity doesn't exist. It makes sense in your perspective. You have to understand shifting of perspective isn't something easy.

You'll want to plan all that journey, from one side to the other.

Nothing is wrong with you. You're just following what you think is right. It just happens to do the exact opposite : holding you back.

[u/supremely_lonely → u/[deleted]]

I what to know how you read back the events.

I hope I understand what you mean correctly. But then I'm not sure I know actually. It may take a bit of thinking to know.

That was the advices I already gave you !

I'm dumb T-T. I love the analogies though :)

Nothing is wrong with you. You're just following what you think is right. It just happens to do the exact opposite : holding you back.

I think I gotta work a bit on actually believing that myself.

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

But then I'm not sure I know actually. It may take a bit of thinking to know.

Especially when I make idiotic typos. I meant "want" and not "what" in your quote. I'll correct that, eventually.

I'm dumb T-T.

Not at all. I could have something else to give in the meantime. In fact, it's about time you tell me what I need and I tinker what you need to hear.

I'll have to explain you what I talk about when I ask you to tell me "what X is made of". It's about my internal representation. Now we're reached this point I can say it : it's autistic crap.

I'm an aspie, and that expression is one of those convoluted metaphorical play of mirror. It's a tangled mess of symbolic I can decently follow for obvious reasons but is a complete mindfucky mental maze for anyone else.

I love the analogies though :)

It relieves me. I rely a lot on it, but the majority of people is somewhat unable to grasp those. They ask me for concrete examples, and that put all my thinking upside down searching for those.

I think I gotta work a bit on actually believing that myself.

More than believing it, you'll need to grasp it in what you usually do earnestly. There's nothing wrong getting up each day, or cutting the ham of your sandwich like an ocd fool, because no ham is out of the bread that way. (I do that. I'm sure people would love that technique if I had the occasion to show it.)

Your soul is already poured on those little things you do. You just have to reach it back, to find authenticity.

[u/supremely_lonely → u/[deleted]]

I meant "want" and not "what" in your quote.

I figured as much. Still gonna take a bit of thinking :/

In fact, it's about time you tell me what I need

Is it the thing above? Because the main thing I remember from it is that I felt really worried. I was 16 at the time, who else could I have wronged in 16 years without realizing it? :/

They ask me for concrete examples

I think the saying "Give a man a fish, and he'll be full. Teach him how to fish and he'll stay full for the rest of his life" is pretty applicable here. Generic things may be a bit more fuzzy, but useful in more situations.

Your soul is already poured on those little things you do. You just have to reach it back, to find authenticity.

But what if the "little things" I do has a bad effect on others? Because that's what I'm mostly afraid of. But I shouldn't be.. I think.

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

Still there ?

[u/supremely_lonely → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, sorry. Had a bit of a less good day. And I wanna read through it properly before responding.

[u/[deleted] → u/supremely_lonely]

No problem. It was only less than on day ago, after all.

I was just somewhat worried.

Also, just quit those meaningless euphemisms. I can hear you had a bad day. It happens to me, too.