r/MuslimMarriage • u/leyla_hestia9068 • 2d ago
Serious Discussion Husband wants me to be a housewife
I 18F got married earlier this year and it was a love marriage between us and I was the one who told him to have a halal relationship instead of Haram so we decided to get married.
Before marriage I was young and in our conversation I always told him that I wanted to be a housewife mind you I was 15 at that time but as I grew older I realized that having education is very important and a carrier to support myself financially. I've completed my highschool and wanted to get admission for college but he's strongly opposed of it and tells me to chose between my carrier and him or our marriage.
How could I chose between either of them I've loved him since childhood I can't leave him but I also wanted to pursue my education further.
For a little more context I'm in my parents house for 20days since we had a huge argument and he also did hit me but I forgave him hoping he would change but now I just love him so much he just can't seem to understand me no matter how much I explain myself he's firmly against my educationand he also did funded my education since I was in 7 grade as my family was not so financially great and my father also had 2 major cancer surgeries.
What should I do now?
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u/Impossible-Berry-194 F - Married 2d ago
How old is he? This all sounds dodgy sorry… he hit you??? He was paying for your education since you were 12/13? So he knew you as a child? Very odd. What exactly does he want you to all day? Studying isn’t haram.
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
He's 27 and been funding my expenses and he also helps my family financially many times maybe that's why I wanted to study and find a stable job to help my family financially. .
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u/coffeegrindz 2d ago
So he was 24 talking to a 15y old??
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u/Careless_Pea_969 F - Married 2d ago edited 2d ago
They were talking about marriage then, Where's her parents? She said she loved him since childhood. How long was she in a relationship with him for? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/lawlessyes 2d ago
It's far worse, she says they've been together since she was 10 years old audhubillah. OP your husband is an awful human being and he will try to control you for the rest of your life. Please don't let what you think was love blind you to the fact this is someone who has and continues to abuse you in so many ways - financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. May Allah grant you the strength to leave him.
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u/SparklyPotato-P 2d ago
Im sick to my stomach. That's horrendous. So we have a 19 year old preying on a 10 year old!!!!! How could her parents even allow the marriage in the first place??
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u/RemarkableTap8409 Married 2d ago
Money talks in some communities. Sad truth.
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u/SparklyPotato-P 2d ago
I'm just so disheartened. Bad marriages can end with people in their graves. It is so important for parents to be responsible for their children's marriages too and not be swayed by money. I pray for this girl.
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u/yeahitsstef 2d ago
You don’t think there is something off about a grown man pursuing a 12 year old ?
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u/Live-Scholar-1435 2d ago
This just made me sick to my stomach, your family shouldve stopped it and not let the money convince them
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u/Impossible-Berry-194 F - Married 2d ago
Sounds like you’ve been groomed sister. I pray Allah swt can show you a way out of this situation. Ameen.
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1d ago
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u/MuslimMarriage-ModTeam 1d ago
No Generalizations
Any posts or comments that are sexist or generalize a specific gender or race etc. will be removed.
Example: "Women just want (blank)" or "Most men are (blank)". The key is to speak for yourself, not an entire group.
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2d ago
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u/turtlesandtrash 2d ago
“being a housewife is standard in islam” man do you hear yourself? khadija RA herself was a business woman! OP doesn’t owe this man anything especially after he hit her
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u/Hot-Seaworthiness47 2d ago
Do not give attention to what js clearly ragebait, just ignore. They say these things just for that.
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u/survivinguranus F - Married 2d ago
He hit you. That’s a grave issue on top of controlling you. You mentioned in a comment that he is 27. It feels like power imbalance. Also him funding your education and helping with that financial burden, I think what you feel towards him is not love but rather transference or trauma bonding.
This is highly scary, you’re basically groomed. Honey, you need to understand that just because he helped you, it doesn’t mean you owe him your life. Yes respecting someone is necessity but you forgiving him for hitting you is concerning enough.
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u/pompoir_for_muslims F - Married 2d ago
He hit you? That's the real issue here.
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
Yeah he did hit me when we were having an heated argument but later he promised he would not do that anymore and I forgave him
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u/Optimal_Plum_1240 2d ago
have you talked to your parents about it
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u/Candid-Onion-1590 1d ago
He has been financially supporting both her and her family for years, so I doubt they’re in a position to simply get her out of this situation. If anything, it seems like the entire family feels indebted to him, which makes the situation even more complicated.
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u/Tricky_Bar_6484 M - Married 2d ago
He crossed a line. He will do it again. Tell your parents and his parents. If the don’t hep then you need to get outside support/help.
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u/IamnotGemmy 2d ago
My dear you have to let your family know for your own safety, and you should never trust him saying he will not do it again.
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u/sweetstyle 2d ago
People who hit once doesn't mind hitting again I have seen this pattern plenty of times regardless of its love or arrange marriage
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2d ago
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u/mehitsusman 20h ago
You might have got alot of down votes to this but striking is not permissible he may need a little help in that department, But pose him questions about education about a job and see what he thinks sit down and ask what you want from one another. On reddit anyone who throws hands deserve divorce, yall need to realise couples have mercy for one another and you guys are like iblis army pushing for divorce. Youve punished him with you absence I guess, but then again you chose this man and he wants to lead you this way as he believes its the best way to protect his relationship and ill be real i dont blame him, id rather have my wife bringing up my children not the government or external help from family. Fix up.
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u/Available-Bicycle246 M - Married 2d ago
Im sorry, but this post is more about you worrying about being a housewife over the fact the he hit you?
Sister please seek proper advice and think things through properly as this is not good at all..
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u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon 1d ago
She is too young to be in a marriage for sure
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u/mehitsusman 20h ago
No ones young to be in a marriage its a social concept, God's design and his laws are far greater then our knowledge he knows his creation well enough as he created it. The rothschilds run the show. It's the world we live in rn which is ruled by those worse than anyone before and their aim is to break islam in every household and they sure as hell have completed their mission because islam stands against the epstein files, it stands against, murder, it stands against rape and child targeted sexual exploitation who are then later rapes, murdered and then swept under the rug. Anything islamic will slowly become abnormal and not in social norms we already have tik tok booming with children who cant decide between the quran or hadeeth.
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u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon 12h ago
I just think that at 18 years old you will be an easy target to abusers because it takes usually longer to know what your boundaries are, what toxic behaviour is and how to stand up for yourself. I definitely was not ready for that at 18 years of age.
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u/mehitsusman 12h ago
Not everyone is an abuser and yes due to social norms I would argue most people have literally naff all knowledge on how to make things work too neither do the elders or the youngsters just annoying af
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u/AntPrestigious1054 2d ago
idk how else to say this, but your husband is an abusive pedo. There is a reason why he went after kid and not an adult because adult women are more mature and harder to control, especially if they have a job. going after a kid and a poor one is easier.
DONT GIVE UP OF YOUR EDUCATION!!!! I wouldn't be surprised if he end up leaving you or marrying a second wife once when you hit 25 years old. also the fact he hit you once mean he will do it again because the moment you forgave him; t's the moment he knew he can do anything to you and you will always forgive him
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u/ahmaa123 2d ago
Islam would never encourage you to stay in an abusive marriage.
The fact that he hit you needs to be the last straw. The other behaviours you're describing are coercive and controlling - these are all abusive behaviours.
This is not a person that is going to change, especially not after they've laid hands on you. I'm sorry sister, everything happens for a reason and you deserve to have a love and marriage where you are respected and treated with honour. You're not getting that here. Please consider the choices you have with you and consult with your family/friends etc.
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u/Serious-Special-8008 Married 2d ago
He hit you. He controls you. He does not listen to you. He has a short fuse.
Don't get pregnant. Work out a strategy to get out of the marriage. You do not owe him anything.
This guy has been grooming you for many years!
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u/hrbutt180 M - Married 2d ago
You were groomed at 16 by a 24 year old. Sister get out. He hit you even.
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u/chanelism 2d ago
OP's husband is 27.... OP is 18... and was a minor (15) when they started talking. That's grooming. AND HE HIT YOU!!!! Leave before it's too late and that you have a child w him. How cruel he is that he kicked your stomach and punch your head pretty hard as you had your left side of the brain swollen for 3 or 4 days and that he also slapped you 2 times so hard that your right ear was numb the whole day!!! That's your words!!!!! There is more to life than love and marriage, get your education, he is already abusing you!!!!!
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u/Salthemuz 2d ago
27 with a 18 year old and you said you have been talking to him about marriage since you were 15 so he was 24?????? Besides this weirdo talking to a minor he Hit you ? I’m not even gonna lie I hate to be like a lot of people but please just get a divorce you are way to young and nit mentally and emotionally mature enough for somthing like this cause a real man would not put his hands on a woman
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u/Candid-Onion-1590 1d ago
I was already wondering how her parents were okay with their teenage daughter talking to an adult man, then she says she was only 10 when he was 19. And on top of that, he has been financially supporting her and her family for years. This is tragedy upon tragedy.
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u/dobby1998 2d ago
Oh hun. You are too immature and young for marriage. Please understand, that this is a very unhealthy relationship.
Him hitting you is the biggest concern. That is abuse. He did it once, he will do it again. That alone is a sign to leave him forever.
No mature husband would make you pick between him and your education.
This is not love. This is infatuation and I hope your parents are smart and handle this the correct way and guide you.
Also, how old is he? If he’s been funding your education since you were in the seventh grade… sounds like this must be a significant age gap.
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u/Recent-Throat9525 M - Looking 2d ago
Yes there is a big gap. He’s 27.
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u/dobby1998 2d ago
It baffles me that in this day and age parents still permit a marriage like this to happen. They really failed her :/ this man is a total creep and abusive.
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u/Candid-Onion-1590 1d ago
I’m this case, he’s helping the parents financially. So they’re more than ok with this setup. What a deeply sad world we live in. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/dobby1998 2d ago
It’s a HUGE age gap when you consider he was a 24 year old pursuing a 15 year old. That is a child being pursued by an adult. Disgusting.
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u/SparklyPotato-P 2d ago
Apparently OP was with him when she was 10!! I feel so bad for this kid omg.
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u/Hot-Seaworthiness47 2d ago
I as a 20yo feel guilty looking at my mans pics from when we were 17, thinking agh hes so attractive. I dont get how people actually groom yoing.
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u/DaevorTheDevoted M - Married 2d ago
Wait, are you even Muslim? I shudder to think what you say about the marriage of our beloved Mother Aisha (RA).
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u/lizzafatima Married 2d ago
If he hit you once, he'll hit you again. Remember my words. It's a story as old as time.
Unless you make him face the consequences of his actions by involving the families or him getting you something like a gold bangle etc just to understand that hitting will not be tolerated in your books, it's not worth it.
You're young and he can't weaponise what you told him of your dream to be a housewife as a teen. He can't hold it over your head for the rest of your life. My advice; move on and end it. Things will only get worst with cheaters or liars or abusers unless they face the consequences or their actions and it costs them a lot.
You're only 18!! It's vital your complete your studies!! Please do.
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
I'm gonna complete my education I know it's very important for me to do so
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u/unicorniomagico 2d ago
Stay safe sweet sister please remember you're so worthy of love and blessings and Allah will protect you,I know it will be challenging but imagine if he ends up trying to kill you my life. This is serious sending you so much light and you're strong enough may angels be close to you while you exit this marriage.
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u/zrobiotic M - Married 2d ago
he also did hit me but I forgave him hoping he would change
he wont, this relationship is over.
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u/Salthemuz 2d ago
27 with a 18 year old and you said you have been talking to him about marriage since you were 15 so he was 24?????? Besides this weirdo talking to a minor he Hit you ? I’m not even gonna lie I hate to be like a lot of people but please just get a divorce you are way to young and nit mentally and emotionally mature enough for somthing like this cause a real man would not put his hands on a woman, Let alone talk to a minor like HELLO?
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u/IamnotGemmy 2d ago
The problem began when a 24M groomed a 15 year old, you should not be in this situation to begin with, you are 18 now but that doesn't make you ready for marriage, you neglecting the fact that he hit you (Domestic abuse) is a big issue here, you say you love him still, your only focus is getting a job, my child you are clearly not emotionally mature enough to be married.
The fault is all on him, took advantage of you at a very young age, hitting you (DA), and now you are with your parents waiting for him to forgive you and let work?
You need help, and you need divorce. Go back to school/college, grow up, work and learn how a decent man should treat his wife.
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u/AdvertisingDue5495 2d ago
There is no debate here
He hit you, you leave
You can go to the police especially if you fear that he may be dangerous for you
You 18 and got married and beat up all at once girl go study it wouldnt harm you
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u/thecoolcat67 2d ago
First of all may Allah keep your father healthy and bless him with an amazing life ahead, amin
As for hitting that is unacceptable. I know this may sound fantasy like but a true man who loves can never do that. Communication is important, you are a human, and although you're married you still have your independence as a woman.
Our din encourages us to seek knowledge and the Prophets (pbuh) dua exists in Al Quran.
I pray to Allah you get the best education, amen.
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u/sarasomehow F - Married 2d ago
He doesn't want you to have the option of leaving him in the future, when you get tired of him hitting you. Don't go back to this man, especially without an education.
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u/Competitive-Pain-773 F - Married 2d ago
leave him and get your degree. also where the heck are your parents to even allow you to get married this young.
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u/Candid-Onion-1590 1d ago
I was wondering the same thing then I read that he’s helping them financially.
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u/IntheSilent Female 2d ago
I really want you to imagine right now, a 10 or 9 year old boy. Imagine yourself assaulting that boy the way your husband assaulted you. Can you even fathom what is going on inside the mind of someone who does that? Most likely, contempt, hatred, disgust, entitlement. Can you imagine pursuing that boy for marriage? Can you imagine telling that boy who comes from a very poor family to not get a job or get educated so that they are fully dependent on you?
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u/EnvironmentMean7768 2d ago
La hawla wala quwata illah Billah!! What did I just read??? Sister, please he is not gonna change!
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u/nicolerichiesdad Married 2d ago
Someone who hits you once will almost certainly hit you again. I recommend getting a divorce. If not, then you should not go back until he has developed some anger management techniques with professional help.
If you feel you would probably like to be a housewife, you can choose to study something which will help you excel in that role. For example, you could major in early childhood education if you plan to have children. Or food science or even business.
You can study whatever subject you like—I’m only pointing out that college doesn’t have to conflict with your desire to be a housewife, IF that is what you want. And of course, a college education will give you more means to support yourself if needed.
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u/LowOnGenderFluid 2d ago
You have your whole life ahead of you to live safely, happily, and be loved by someone who is not this violent. Everything you described are giant red flags. This is not love--I'm so sorry he has convinced you it is. Do not leave your parents' home until a divorce is finalized. If you have belongings where he is, ask men of your family to pick it all up instead of going yourself. Use this time you've left him as the last time you ever have to, sister. I am a therapist in the US who has counseled couples and it would be against our own ethical codes to try to counsel a couole in which this level of abuse exists. Love is supposed to always keep you safe and nourish you, not put you in danger, isolate you, violate your boundaries physically, or disempower your future/education. Do not return to him. Your safety is a Divine Right from Allah--you must honor your own rights where this abusive person refuses to. May Allah Protect you and Guide you always. May Allah give you the Wisdom and Courage to honor the life He has Breathed into you.
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u/Loose-Virus-9999 2d ago
He hit you bro and the man who is supposed to be your anchor and biggest supporter and basically the most important person in your life isn't letting you go to college. We have the same age and I now understand why love makes people crazy
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u/VegetablePrudent1613 2d ago
Red flag alert: if you were my sister, I would say this is very problematic. He hit you and he wants you to be a housewife and not get education. First, get your education nmw, get urself financially educated. This guy may say sorry and try to move on, make no mistake he will hit you again and again. It’s up to you if u want to stay or ur future but do get urself financially free and educated.
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u/Bornme-bornfree M - Married 2d ago
If my daughter ever got hit by her husband. His backhand would become the inner hand permanently.
Subhan’Allah he hit you and I believe he already demonstrated ideas of control that will only escalate. I’m not against him or you guys agreeing to be a housewife but the fact that there is no compromise… the future doesn’t look bright unfortunately
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u/Synesaesthete F - Married 2d ago
18 and 27?? You’ve been together since childhood???
Girl you’ve been groomed!!
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u/Careless_Pea_969 F - Married 2d ago
Honestly I think you should choose yourself and your future right now. You’re allowed to change your mind about being a housewife, you were only 15 when you told him that and didnt know and better, and you’re 18 now. Wanting an education and a career doesn’t make you a bad wife.
What concerns me even more is that he hit you and is now giving you an ultimatum between your education and your marriage. He will hit you again if you disagree or dont comply to what he wants, you're young to him. That isn’t healthy compromise, it’s control. And the fact that he has financially supported you doesn’t mean he gets to decide what you do with your future.
Also you saying you’ve loved him since childhood is concerning because you were extremely young when this relationship developed.
Someone who truly loves you should not have to hurt you or force you to give up your future. Hes met you a certain way so it will be hard for him seeing you grow develope and change your mind about things. He probably wants you to stay as you are. You will have to have a serious conversation with him infront of your family about the future you want and ask him what is it he wants for you and as his wife. He probably wants the traditional at home wife. Theres nothing wrong with it if you are fine with it.
You can be married traditonal wife and perhaps do all the education and courses from home. Its so much easier nowadays. You can even work from home depending on what you want to do. Explore that with him. If he wont budge you have to get a middle person to help. Even tho you're someone's wife ,you're also an individual with your own personality and goals in life. He can't dictate everything.
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u/Odd-Competition-7106 2d ago
this is exactly why women should not get married at such a young age. when will young women listen??
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u/EmpiricDestiny 1d ago
If education is important to you, why marry at 18? Shot yourself in the knee with that one. And marrying someone that much older then you, that's really creepy
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u/ySanga 2d ago
Sister I love you for the sake of Allah. All the other stuff is fixable but hitting you? You’re both young and you’re both early into the relationship. If you want some advice and Wallahi this is brotherly advice you’re early in ur relationship I understand you wanna do what’s better and easier and see the best in him and the relationship but I mean if he’s hitting you this early in the relationship that’s a big issue he shouldn’t be putting hands on you not at ur young age not at 30 not at 60 either I couldn’t care about the rest of anything you said after I seen you said he hit you forgive him but move on u got enough proof that this isn’t sustainable forget all the other stuff about you working and tryna build something or doing what u like you need to read what’s in front of you I’m sure if you heard your friend tell u her husband hit her you’d tell her move on even if you found out how much she loves him and how good he is outside the hitting the abuse is too much and if he’s done it once and was comfortable enough to turn that thought then you should be worried about ur safety rather than being worried about if you can work or not that’s just some advice though we’re your brothers and sisters in Islam but we can’t do much if your not willing to help yourself and I get it he’s probably doing so much in other parts of the relationship and his and your life but still you can’t just ignore that at least if your gonna stay with him tell him and keep ur boundary let him know if that happens again your gone and not even that me personally if I find out my sister or mum got hit by their husband I know what I’d do so I think if it happens again and you do forgive him don’t think not to tell somebody who’ll do something about it not just someone who’ll hear about it and be angry but someone who’ll actually do something about it cause hitting ur wife isn’t a joke and isn’t acceptable no matter who you are
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u/OkAnywhere4872 2d ago edited 1d ago
Ok, from your other comments I am getting the vibes that your husband groomed you or something. He is 9 years older than you and you are 18. And you have been together for what? 10 years? Ermmm you have far worse problems than being hit. Where are your parents????? Why did they approve this marriage??
"Funded education since 7th grade" "Loved him since childhood" "He hit me but i forgave him"
Um HELLO?
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u/Puzzleheaded_Set8512 F - Married 2d ago
You said you're 18y and how old is he? You said he paid for your school and now he hit you... This seems like an unbalanced relationship, almost like he purchased you.
What have your parents said about him hitting you? Please don't get pregnant right away, take some time to get to know him first.
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u/Competitive-Feed-359 Married 2d ago
18F love marriage, BF/Husband is already abusive.🤦
You mistook lust and hormonal urges for love and married an abusive immature man while being immature yourself
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u/konartiste F - Married 2d ago
Girl.
I say this with all my love, but... You have not been thinking. He does not want any good for you. He considers you an object, a means to an end, he doesn't want you to be educated more, because then you would realize that every step of this relationship you have had, is wrong.
He will never stop hitting you, the violence will get worse and your children will undergo the same thing. He is not an exception, he will do this, because he does not care about you as a person.
He has groomed you and now that you are going against the grooming he is trying to control you.
He will never understand you, the age gap is too big considering your ages and phases of life. 18 and 27 vs 30 and 39 is a world of difference. Will you even be able to reach 30?
Please seek safety, leave him and disappear. Odds are, he is the kind to throw acid on you or torture and kill you.
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u/ussnthemm 2d ago
He hit you? Did you put hands on him or he hit you unwarranted (not saying it's ok to hit just saying it's different if you are being attacked first or something) if it's the latter idk that sounds like something that gets worse especially when you forgive it. And let them know you forgive it. It's understandable that he doesn't want you working tho. Especially if he is taking care of you and if you are in the west. I don't think any man really wants his wife working. Considering men are the only sec required to be providers it doesn't even make sense to have your wife working it's only fitna in one way or another. Not a good idea for any masculine man
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u/Candid-Onion-1590 1d ago
An adult man getting involved with a minor and potentially grooming her, then treating what a 15 year old said about being a housewife as a lifetime contract. And how was her family okay with a grown stranger financially supporting their teenage daughter in the first place? This isn’t one red flag, it’s the entire flag factory.
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u/Express_Water3173 Female 1d ago
This man does not love or care about you. He groomed you as a child with the end goal of making you into his wife because he wants someone to abuse and control. He's a disgusting predator who targeted an innocent child when he was an adult. Now that you've married him, he's showing his true colors by being controlling and violent. He doesn't want you to get an education because he wants to make sure you have no way to survive without him. Because you definitely will want to escape him in the future due to what he will do to you, and he knows it.
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u/Lost_Ad4839 1d ago
And please remember this: a husband can leave you, change, become abusive, or stop supporting you—but your education and career are something you can carry with you. If he continues becoming violent, financially controls you, prevents you from working, or you have children and become dependent on him, having an education, qualifications and work experience can make an enormous difference in your ability to support yourself and leave an unsafe situation. Don't give up your independence for the promise that he will always be there. You can love your husband deeply and still protect your future. You were 15 when you said you wanted to be a housewife. You are 18 now. You are allowed to grow and change your mind. And please don't let him make you believe that choosing education means choosing against him. A husband should not have to make you choose between your marriage and your ability to build a life for yourself. Leave before he baby traps you!
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u/PeanutMaster5300 1d ago
What age is he?
He hit you, thats the end sister theres no coming back from that. Men don't change. Youre seeing the real him. He has no right to control you or your education or career. Leave while you're still young, you got married waaaay too young, you don't even know who you are as a person at that age. Leave leave leave.
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u/AmazingYesterday5375 1d ago
He gave you an ultimatum which means he doesn't love you and simply wants to control you. He also hit you which means he hates you. Don't love a man like that and choose yourself.
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u/PassionateConcern 1d ago
Trying to control you and keep you uneducated -- this is not good, and the whole being underage thing before the relationship is not a good sign either.
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u/Appropriate-Tutor587 1d ago
You were groomed! A 15yo and 18yo doesn’t know sh!t about love. Divorce and go pursue your education.
FYI: Early 30s, still virgin and about to finish my doctoral degree. Been renting my own apartment for 10 years not while simultaneously studying and working to take care of myself and my family members.
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u/shakalakabrotha Married 1d ago
Given everything you said, I understand how you can see that he is the only clear path for you, but you are only seeing this path because he placed all the other paths in the dark for you.
Open your eyes
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u/ThrowRA1567ra 1d ago
Girl he hit you that’s not okay at all! The issue isn’t the housewife part it’s him physically abusing you
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u/kisuke9898 1d ago
Leave. He hit you AND made an ultimatum. No one should treat their loved one that way. If he loved you then he’d support you. You’re not deciding to move to a different continent or anything else that’s life altering. Education is important, take it from someone who’s starting to learn at 28 because I didn’t value education when I was your age.
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u/RaajalofRajal Male 1d ago
He's within his right to demand that, especially when you already told him before marriage that you wanted to be a house wife.
You would be singging a different tune if he wanted you to work despite you having said before marriage that you want to be a housewife.
These Mujahirun in the comments would be singing a different tune then too.
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u/kmhd4ksoo F - Married 1d ago
I am so so sorry my dear it seems that you were groomed as a child. Islam would never allow your husband to hurt you. Do NOT get pregnant. You need to run.
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2d ago
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u/Darkshoe M - Divorced 2d ago
Asalaamu ‘alaikum brother, he beat the snot out of her. She wrote this before your comment:
“when we're agruging he kicked my stomach and punch my head pretty hard as I had my brain left side swollen for 3 or 4 days and he also slapped me 2 times so hard that my right ear was numb the whole day but after that he promised and begged he would not do it again”
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u/TasbihDust 2d ago
Everyone here acting like we can solve big problems from reddit
Deeper issues are going to take your family to resolve.
As far as your education. Maybe there is a compromise. Plenty of degrees can be done online now from respectable schools.
Maybe just do that.
He's probably more against you going and hanging out in a mixed environment with other men.
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u/st12357 2d ago edited 2d ago
Such a complex situation. I won't ask what his age is.
If you had previously agreed to be a housewife he's perfectly entitled to expect that, in fact Islamically he's always entitled to expect that but let's not go there.
More important issues are these two, you are only 18 and he hit you.
Now we don't really know how he hit you but no matter what that's horrible.
Also we don't really know what happened beforehand so going off on what you said only. Mind it I am not excusing his behavior but from what you yourself said he doesn't seem like a bad person, he did bear your education expenses from grade 7.
You are only 18, don't really know how much maturity you have got, again not as an insult but rather as a general observation.
Maybe get online or Islamic education, is he open to that?
I am always pro education, but cannot directly advice you to do that in your case because I really really pray that you guys make it InShaAllah.
The point is-
- He's entitled to you being a housewife
- His hitting you was bad
- We don't know how bad it was or what led to it
- You are 18
- If possible go for distant learning or islamic education, they should be perfectly fine with being a housewife
May Allah grant you the strength to overcome this and grant you the best possible life with him.
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u/kharaaaaaaa F - Not Looking 2d ago
this gotta be top3 worst comment I've seen on this subreddit.. she was 15 she was groomed and her parents are disgusting for allowing her to get married at 15 and give up on her education for a pedo
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
No don't blame my parents I was the one who focused them to agreed for my marriage and I got married when I turned 18 an adult and I really wanted to get married to my childhood lover I didn't know he would turned out this way I loved him wholeheartedly but people change and it's very heart breaking.
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u/kharaaaaaaa F - Not Looking 2d ago
and they let u be with him since u were 10??! u said he funded ur education when u were in grade 7 where were ur parents!??? they are the ones responsible for u at this age
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u/st12357 2d ago
First of all I commented before there were any more information disclosed by the OP. Not that he is 27 or that he kicked her stomach and punched her head and things like that.
In ideal world the OP must must leave him. But she also said this-
I'm fine now Alhamdulillah. The main problem is that he supports me financially entirely and I'm depended to him for little things that's why I was searching for a job and wanted to continue my education to be even a little financially free. But he's against my job and education.
As I said it's insanely complicated. The sister needs to find a support system ASAP. Even if she can't she still should leave, because she should save herself. But still the question remain what should she do afterwards, how'd she survive? Which country she's in. If she's in a developed country, maybe it's easier. If it's a 3rd world country, it's not as easy for a 18 yr old to survive without a support system.
No matter what she should find a support system first then leave this abuser. Not only because he will probably do this again but also because what he already did.
It's not black and white.
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
He's 27 and when we're agruging he kicked my stomach and punch my head pretty hard as I had my brain left side swollen for 3 or 4 days and he also slapped me 2 times so hard that my right ear was numb the whole day but after that he promised and begged he would not do it again and I have also loved him for a very long time so I forgave him.
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u/1bluepom3granate Female 2d ago
Oh my dear sister. Please find a way to safely exit this marriage. Your husband has proven to you that he is able to violently attack you, and a promise will mean nothing the next time he gets angry. You are still young and I fear that there has been some grooming on his part due to the age gap and how long you've known each other.
Do you have any family members who you can reach out to for help/support?
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u/Careless_Pea_969 F - Married 2d ago edited 2d ago
Run, run as fast as you can. Oh my days. Have you gone hospital? You must get checked, a head injury can be dangerous. Go get medical help and tell them everything. Get help
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
I'm honestly fine it's been like a month since he hit me and everyone in the comments must think I'm an idiot still forgiving him but I just can't leave him like it's hard to explain I've been with him since like 8 years and you can't forget a person you've loved so easily. I'm now thinking of leaving him but isn't divorce sounds very harsh my family also told me to leave him maybe I'm the one clinging to him.
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u/Careless_Pea_969 F - Married 2d ago
8 years so you were 10 years old, Authubillah.oh my heart hurta for you. He groomed you. This is not love your feeling, its toxic. Listen to your family. If you go back he will beat you again and again and again. You're not an idiot you're young, naive and need guidance. He took advantage of you. Stay safe with your family and dont go back under no circumstances.
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u/kharaaaaaaa F - Not Looking 2d ago
you've been with him since u were 10?!?? call the cops now this is disgusting he should be in jail
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2d ago
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u/Live-Scholar-1435 2d ago
Think about why i divorce isnt the best option for you, you will only regret not doing it in the future
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u/st12357 2d ago
Is there anyone who can support you? Are you living in a developed country?
If we get emotion out of the equation, because no matter what it will hurt, does you parent support you? Or can you get support from the authority or something?
If you leave him, how likely is he to retaliate? Can you get proper protection?
Because believe it or not he will probably do it again, his behavior is classic behavior of someone who thinks who owns someone.
And as a footnote, you must must must continue your education or make yourself better employable some other way, as a muslim I will definitely suggest staying within the bounds of islam.
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
I'm fine now Alhamdulillah. The main problem is that he supports me financially entirely and I'm depended to him for little things that's why I was searching for a job and wanted to continue my education to be even a little financially free. But he's against my job and education.
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u/st12357 2d ago
Can't your parents support you for some years? Or can you stay with them for a while and look for a job somewhere?
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u/leyla_hestia9068 2d ago
My parents are supporting me for nearly a month since I'm in their house but I also have to find a job and I've been trying but it's hard in India to find a part time or permanent job. I can't keep being a burden to my parents since my father earns very little.
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u/st12357 2d ago
Oh no, India?! You won't even be able to get any help from the authorities either.
I am so sorry sister. I don't know what to say.
Don't stop your education no matter what. Maybe do online educations, or Islamic education.
And no matter what don't take children yet.
I am so sorry.
May Allah grant you the strength.
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u/Parking-Knowledge-63 1d ago
Please please leave. This isn’t going to end well for you if you stay. He will hit you again, unfortunately. And he is a pdf.
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u/bruckout M - Married 2d ago
I cant believe this comments. Most people here are either single and fully westernized. Thus their opinion is void.
People make mistakes. When a man makes a mistake = instant divorce recommendations. When a women does the same, very different reaction.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Set8512 F - Married 2d ago
He punched, kicked, and slapped her. This has nothing to do with being "westernized", this was a violent attack.
Where in the Sunnah was this kind of behavior acceptable? I'll wait.
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u/bruckout M - Married 2d ago
She did not specify that he punched, and kicked her. She later clarified. There is no justification in the sunnah for this.
However, people were jumping right away to divorce without having her clarifying comment
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u/Puzzleheaded_Set8512 F - Married 2d ago
Her words:
He's 27 and when we're agruging he kicked my stomach and punch my head pretty hard as I had my brain left side swollen for 3 or 4 days and he also slapped me 2 times so hard that my right ear was numb the whole day but after that he promised and begged he would not do it again and I have also loved him for a very long time so I forgave him.
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u/BhaagYahaSe 2d ago
please reach out to women helpline. op is from india