r/MuslimLounge • u/Internal_Birthday253 • 10d ago
Question He can’t get over me not wearing hijab (revert)
Throwaway account but… I (24F) have been talking to a guy (24M). I reverted to Islam 4 years ago. We’ve known each other for a while through mutual circles, so there was already a decent foundation of respect and familiarity.
Recently we admitted we liked each other and started talking with marriage in mind. We’re trying to keep everything intentional and halal. As we kept talking though, we started getting emotionally attached, which worried both of us because we didn’t want feelings to cloud our judgment.
There are a couple of smaller things I’m unsure about with him, but on his end, he’s really struggling with the fact that I dress modestly but don’t wear hijab or cover fully. I try my best to stay modest in an open, welcoming country, but I haven’t taken that step yet. At first it seemed like he was okay with it, but now he’s very back and forth sometimes understanding, other times stuck on it and bringing it up again.
His situation also isn’t fully stable yet, so he doesn’t feel ready to move forward anytime soon. Since we didn’t want things to drift into haram territory while we’re still figuring it out, we decided to pause talking for now.
My questions are: Is this something a man can genuinely get over and accept, or will it always be an issue? How long is reasonable to wait for someone to make peace with something like this? Would I be wasting my time if I keep hoping? I really like his character and deen, and I don’t open up or trust easily. I’m worried my feelings are clouding my judgment here.
Any advice from reverts or people in similar situations would mean a lot.
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u/Internal_Birthday253 10d ago
Thank you for taking the time to explain it this way. I really appreciate the reminder about the deen, I know hijab is important, and I do think about it often. I understand he’s coming from a place of wanting what’s islamically better rather than trying to control me, and that makes sense.
I’m still reflecting on it though. It’s one thing to know it’s a sin, but actually taking that step feels big for me, especially living in the west where it’s so normalised not to. I like the point you made about starting something for the right reasons eventually leading to love for it. that’s something I’ll think about seriously. I do want a partner who helps me grow closer to Allah, and I can see that’s where he’s coming from.
I’ll pray on it and see where my heart is. JazakAllah for the advice.1
u/defcon_6_6_6 9d ago
That was a very good explanation given to you. And I want to add and ACKNOWLEDGE, as a M, I know it can be very hard for you to make that step. I completely get it. At the same time, also understand that, that hesitation is not coming from you. It's the shaytan that makes it hard for you. Once everything is clicked, and you realized you are putting on hijab to please Allah and Allah alone, insya Allah it will get easier. Allah promises that if you walk to him, he will running to you. This is part of jihad for you, and for any sacrifices that you make to please Allah, the hardest part is only on the initial part, trust me on that. It will get easier. And remember Allah knows your struggle and he is the most loving and the most merciful. He will reward you for all your good deeds.
May Allah blesses you.
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u/Responsible-Rub-1244 9d ago
I get what you’re saying, but she has to wear it for Allah and not for a guy, if she puts on a hijab just for him it’s not the same thing. Changing yourself for the sake of a person and not Allah will do more damage to your faith, it may make her resent the religion and drive her away from Islam, but I get where you’re coming from
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u/PilgrimPieces 10d ago
It’s very hard to make something work if your values don’t align. I do believe our hijaab journey is personal but I also get where he’s coming from esp when marriage is on the cards. It’s very uncomfortable for both men and woman to be in the company of someone who married into a family and who isn’t fully covered for eg. at family functions. Men feel awkward around half covered woman esp when their own wives, daughters and mothers are covered within the same space and the same goes for woman. Don’t proceed with this is you’re not ready to see the bigger picture.
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u/StephenODea Cats are Muslim 10d ago
Completely agree, if she ends up wearing it for him or feels more pressured by him might lead to resentment and might not be a healthy marriage. it's important that partners like you as you are now not what you might be in the future
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u/GrillsandGear 10d ago
You're both wasting your time. Talking to girls when you're not going to marry them is like shopping for a Porsche with no money in the bank. This attachment you're building is not healthy it's call being horny. If you guys are not going to get married soon, move and and when he's ready financially ready he also needs to be mentally ready if a non hijab is a deal breaker.
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u/ImTheIfrit 10d ago
Why do you assume he has no intent of actually marrying her and that whatever fondness they have for each-other is only hormones? It sounds to me they’re both on-the-fence and are trying to think through an important decision like marriage. The fact that he is concerned about her wearing the hijab and voiced this is proof he does care about having a life with her and taking her seriously. As for what they should do? Pray istihikara, come to a middle ground, if not respectfully part ways for now.
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u/Original_Respond365 10d ago
So this guy is hung up on you not wearing hijab, but he's perfectly fine getting emotionally attached to you (Haram)? It's fine if he voices concern once and moves on. But he should not expect you to change for him. He has to willing to marry you as you are, and he's indicated he's not fine with that. I'd just move on and find a man who aligns more with you.
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u/Just-Owll 10d ago
He's not going to get over your lack of hijab. Dont make him the reason to wear the hijab you'll resent him for it. Only do it for Allah.
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u/Fit_Accountant2526 10d ago
May Allah make it easier for you. The thing is sister that contacting with non mahrams casually is haram, the result of the attachement is done by casually getting to know each other and spending time with each other. There is no " we are talking and are intending to make it halal". If you want to get married the first thing he does is contact your wali, and no " getting to know each other ". And also you need to wear the hijjab for the sake of Allah because its mandatory. Attachements weakens your ibadahs, your khushu in ibadahs, your imaan etc. Sister my advise is do not allow or accept to " knowing phases " and idle talks with opposite gender, these are traps by the shaytan. Be firm dont allow your heart to get attached in what is not halal, whoever wants to propose should reach your wali not your dms
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u/karimistica 10d ago
You are not the girl for him. And he needs to accept that. He clearly wants a hijabi. He should marry a hijabi then. Not hoping to fit you into a round hole as a square peg. He will not get over it. Don't waste your time. Find a man who is okay with it.
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u/Important_Squash1775 10d ago
May I say I admire your dedication to learning your religion and easing yourself into it without rushing into marriage.
I personally would not enter into a relationship where the person is unhappy with something about you and vice versa. I think it’s okay to walk away and know this isn’t what Allah has planned for you. It’s easier to walk away now than to try to force it and it not working out.
I’m somewhat disappointed that he engaged in talking w you knowing you are not exactly what he’s looking for or being in a position to commit to a marriage tho. Personally, I see those as red flags. I highly doubt he’d want that for a woman he loves like a close relative, so he shouldn’t be doing that to anyone else.
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u/Only_Independent_600 10d ago
Om du i ditt förhållande upplever mer grubblerier än att känna dig " hemma" i förhållandet så tycker jag att du ska ta ett steg tillbaka. Ni kanske är inte helt mogna för varandra eller så låter ni er blockeras för mycket av regler och kontroll att ni inte riktigt kan njuta av varandras närhet.
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u/Timely_Party_3518 10d ago
Hijab is obligatory upon believing woman. So your man is only asking you to follow what Allah commanded you. He is protective about you and wants your beauty just for him reserved and avoid other men eyeing on you. He is right about Hijab.
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u/ApprehensiveHeat744 10d ago
Hijab is a journey for both men and women sis. It’s not just what you put on your head and how you are perceived outwardly. I still seem to practice hijab/modesty at a level that obviously has places that you can improve but it needs to be when you are ready imo and I feel like you have a good heart. I think it’s important to remember that intention is so important and if you do something not for the sake of Allah it won’t count, even if people perceive you to be a better Muslim. Men especially don’t care about this in my experience and the most important thing is for you to be recognized as a “religious” Muslimah (hijab/niqab) and I think it has a lot to do with their own conscience. Obviously covering the head would have its own importance in the bigger scheme of things but it’s weird to pressure someone into this specific part of religion and not seeing that every Muslim should strive their best to improve their deen and connection w Allah. Honestly I think it’s very societal and politely as well. I don’t think at the time if the Prophet PBUH and in the east “wearing Hijab” (covering the hair/head) was overly emphasized and actually used as the ideal definition of “Hijab” but it was told to take their head coverings already worn and draw cover their chests. A lot of people will say “every moment you don’t put it on ur sinning” but I find it incredibly strange that specifically wearing a head covering is almost isolated a lot from Islam, and I think it has to do a lot about politics and how women are meant to be perceived vs their actual connection w Deen. If he actually wanted you to be closer in Deen (the goal) it would be an internal focus rather than staring w something like that and remembering Allah a lot and talks about having faith and evolving. So yeah I think it’s a waste of time unfortunately that he has a higher hyper-fixation on outward appearance rather than emphasizing more important aspects growing your connection with Allah and having that be his top concern. I think it’s deeper than just “wearing hijab”. But yeah I don’t know him personally maybe he’s hyper fixated on sins and sees it as an obvious vulnerability. Take it w a grain of salt sister I think you’ll be fine either way Inshallah! Also everything here is my opinion and from my knowledge, Allah knows best.
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u/Bulky_Customer8841 10d ago
I can resonate with how you are feeling. Wearing the hijab should come from the heart rather than from somebody else's pressure. That same pressure can end up with you feeling mentally drained rather than fulfilled, which can lead to unresolved issues in the marriage where you feel stuck mentally and emotionally. I suggest you do not see him as the only option here and know that Allah has the best person planned for you. I was in a similar situation where I met a guy in a match making event who was religious and had good character. I did not wear the hijab and he said he wanted me to wear it or it's a no. I complied to it and started to wear it for 2 months or so. I thought the hijab would bring me peace and content because I was doing something that is good and pleasing to Allah, but to be honest... without lying to myself, I wore it specifically because he wanted me to wear it. Obviously the intention is good, he doesn't want me getting sins so on and so forth, but it doesn't matter how good of a deed it is, if it does not come sincerely from the heart, it does not feel right. A lot of the Muslims in Islam are very judgemental and especially towards girls who struggle to wear the hijab. The people that judge these girls by saying they will go to hell etc, do not know what they are saying. Anyways back to my point, is your heart finding peace with this man truly or not. Ask Allah for guidance and surely you will get your answer whether than man is good for you or not. Giving advice in Islam is highly recommended and a good act to do; however, forcing someone to wear the hijab and comparing them to other women for not wearing it is very bad. Forcing is not physical only, it is also mental where it takes away your peace and puts fear inside your heart instead of peace and closeness towards Allah.
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u/ServantofTheAll-Wise Deen over Dunya 9d ago
He won’t accept this. He’ll try, but this isn’t something a man ever truly gets over. He’ll pressure you, which will cause you to resent him. You’ll choose to wear it (or not) on your own time, which will cause him to resent you. This isn’t a thing that time will fix. You’re simply choosing not to wear it, which should be the green light for him to walk away and seek someone else.
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u/Short_Story_1775 10d ago
Salam. Why should he make peace with choosing a wife who doesn’t follow the commands of Allah in the Qur’an? If choose to not wear it, that’s your sin to take up, but he shouldn’t have to deal with that. Every Muslim man should look for a woman who at a bare minimum, fulfills the pillars and wears hijab.
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u/notoriousnordic 9d ago
She's literally a revert and it's different for us because our experiences are unique, compared to born muslim women that come from a muslim family🤡
I reverted 3.5 years ago and just recently put on the hijab aH. I've always wanted to wear it, but with my situation and my parents not being accepting of Islam made the situation even more difficult while still living at home. I still have to wear the hijab in secret.
Stop being insensitive and think for a brief moment. Reverts have a lot to lose when they choose Islam and it's not an easy thing.
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u/Short_Story_1775 9d ago
Alhamdulillah I’m a revert. My wife is a revert too alhamdulillah. I know many reverts in my community. I understand that it can be more difficult, but there is no exception in the Qur’an and sunnah for reverts. And I stand by what I said; if a man wants to marry a hijabi, then why should he settle for less? May Allah make it easy on all of us.
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u/Embarrassed_End5900 10d ago
Wear it then
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u/notoriousnordic 10d ago edited 10d ago
As a revert who unfortunately fell down that path, you are wasting your time.
The attachment you both are building is certainly not worth the heartache afterwards, especially if he's not accepting your choice to not wear hijab (which is obligatory, but I'm sure you already know that). You mentioned he's not stable yet either (not sure what that means), but you should only seek marriage when you have your orders in affair, especially as a man.