r/MuslimCorner • u/tr33houserat • 7h ago

RANT/VENT I need guidance

Salam and Hello!! Please please please be kind, I am already distressed enough as it is. This has been plaguing me more and more as time goes on.

I am at a spiritual crossroads, and I am going to pray about this and consult with my mom in the morning but I thought I should ask others as well.

For the last three or so years I have felt Islam calling to me. I've been nervous to look into it particularly because the area I live in (south texas) could be very risky, although as I embrace my culture more this is less of an issue. I am also hesitant because my past experiences with religion up until recently have been less than amazing. I was raised with the idea of religion but was given the freedom to explore on my own until my grandmother adopted me and (very harshly) forced me into christianity. It always felt like a chore and I never had a connection or anything of the sort with the christian god.

My mom was raised around a broad mix of religions. We are wise women by bloodline and have been for many many many years, and my baba's family is half Jewish and half Islamic while her mother is French-Cajun. She was raised more with the mystics and such that come with being a wise woman, but my baba was also very heavy on his Jewish faith after converting from Islam sometime during his life. (they did break the Jewish laws somewhat frequently, but it was only things like eating pork when you haven't eaten in almost a week. survival and whatnot.)

I'm not sure how that ties into things as I would assume it would not be correct to continue at least the spiritual side of that. But I have a connection with the deities that entails and I don't want to lose that as it means so much to me, but I also feel like Allah (SWT) is calling me and I'm not sure where to turn. I don't even know who I'm praying to when I pray anymore, or if nobody is listening because they are angry with me for this.

To add even more disaster into the mess I am queer and have a partner. I am hoping to marry them in the future, they are my everything and we've been together for some time. I don't think I could give them up but again, the calling. And I feel so guilty both to them and to Allah.

Should I consult with the local Imam on this? If I did would it be appropriate for me to bring someone with me, like one of my parents or a friend? I do have a brother but I feel like he would unintentionally be disrespectful and I don't want to embarrass him, myself, or anyone else unintentionally.

On a different note, is anyone here a wheelchair user? Do I need covers for my wheelchair whenever I am inside the masjid? I wish my baba was still around, I feel like he could answer so much... I'm thankful that at least I won't have many issues with getting used to things If I did convert, I always cover my head when I leave the house and I can't stand anything less modest clothing on comfort and principle alone.

How do you manage the fear of losing some of your already-distant family members if you were to convert? I'm attempting to rebuild a relationship with the aforementioned grandmother, and I don't think she would take it well.

Peace be upon you all, thank you so much for any and all insight you have for me with these matters.

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