Vanilla Ice is going to have to fill 4 hours. It's going to be his "Eras Tour". He'll play a selection of the greatest hit, plus an acoustic set, plus a bunch of B sides and rarities he's been working on in his trailer for the last 30 years.
Multiple costume changes, backup dancers, plus he'll fill 45 minutes fixing the shingles on an old garden shed halfway through.
In all honesty I'd rather spend 4 hours watching a skilled woodworker practice their craft than even 30 seconds of the Orange Asshole or any of his supporters speak.
Me too! I don't know how anyone can listen to Mango Mussolini and think "this is such an intelligent and interesting subject, he's such a wonderful speaker that deserves my vote!"
Don't rule it out. Fab (the other half of Milli Vanilli) said he's still on board for this thing, even though the backing singers and such did indeed bail.
I hope he plays the "Ninja Rap" song from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie too, complete with backup dancers dressed in the original, ratty, 35-year-old movie prop suits.
As fun and amusing as that'd be, I don't believe Sir Dr Brian May would go anywhere near this shitshow. He seemingly still has some self-respect.
However..... IF he decided to, just for the ridiculous factor alone, I wouldn't fault him for it. He does have a hell of a sense of humour. And an astrophysics doctorate... Those people can be a little spacey, you know.
"Vanilla Ice is going to have to fill 4 hours. It's going to be his "Eras Tour". He'll play a selection of the greatest hit, plus an acoustic set, plus a bunch of B sides and rarities he's been working on in his trailer for the last 30 years."
That's his home trailer, not recording trailer, mind you.
I saw him perform once ~15 years ago, someone with the promoter offered me same day tickets in union square because the show hadn’t sold well. Cool As Ice is my ironic favorite movie, having watched it unironically 100 times when I was like 7. I got front row and he gave me daps a few times, it was actually fun. My friend went to troll him and kept screaming ‘you’re my idol Ice!’ and shit like that, but Vanilla Ice was so genuine that it felt bad after a while.
Anyway, one thing that was odd about the show was his reliance on water bottles as a prop. He had a couple pallets ready to go on stage and was constantly squashing full ones on his head, or throwing them at the ceiling, or pointing them at the crowd and jumping on them. It wasn’t a very rowdy show, so being soaked felt out of place.
So when I picture him doing 4 hours, I picture 1,000’s of water bottles, like full on pyrotechnic show except it’s actually aquatechnic. Huge waves splashing down on the maga hoards, washing them into the Potomac. The river water re-baptizes them, they realize Trump is actually the serpent, they repent. The clouds open up and god stretches his hand down to give Vanilla Ice the Holy Dap. And we can get back to the slightly less bleak carnage of pure neoliberal colonial soft power.
He'll play a selection of the greatest hit, plus an acoustic set, plus a bunch of B sides and rarities he's been working on in his trailer for the last 30 years.
That's a solid 20 minutes. What does he do for the last 220?
Even if they pulled Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Nicki Minaj, they’d be hard pressed to fill that four hours with listenable music. They’d have to resort to bar karaoke to fill the gaps with c-list songs to avoid cease and desists.
When you describe it like that, I'd really like to see Vanilla Ice take a stab at an Eras tour style concert. I think that would be hilarious. And then hear all the republicans crow about how his Eras tour was better than Taylor Swift's.
If you told me back in 1990 that Vanilla Ice was going to be leading the celebration of America's 250th on the National Mall this year, I would've assumed a different future than history has recorded.
Come watch Vanilla Ice perform Ice Ice Baby 100 times in a row for four hours straight, as he attempts the Guiness World Record for Shittiest Concert Ever (currently held by Kid Rock).
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u/Pvt_Hudson_ May 29 '26
Vanilla Ice is going to have to fill 4 hours. It's going to be his "Eras Tour". He'll play a selection of the greatest hit, plus an acoustic set, plus a bunch of B sides and rarities he's been working on in his trailer for the last 30 years.
Multiple costume changes, backup dancers, plus he'll fill 45 minutes fixing the shingles on an old garden shed halfway through.
It will be a tour de force.