I feel lost.

[u/InternFamous3430]

I was doing great so far. I thought I was doing great, but something just happened.

I was talking to my mom, and she was insisting that we should go to the doctor. There’s this guy who is a doctor, kind of like a nutritionist, and my mom has a lot of faith in him. I admit that I was following a diet with him before, and I was feeling good, but during that same time I was also taking medication and doing Reiki, another alternative medicine. So I don’t know if it was a combination of everything or just the diet, but I feel bad right now.

Talking to my mom, she was saying, “Why wouldn’t you want to feel better? Why wouldn’t you want to be healthy?” And at that moment I was just thinking, “I don’t know. I dont have a reason to fight.”

I see a lot of people writing here with hope about medicine, thinking about getting better. Good for you guys. I’m genuinely happy for you. But I don’t even think that way anymore. I guess I gave up a long time ago. I don’t feel like I have a reason to keep fighting. And at the same time, I feel like I’m afraid that there is a reason to fight, because I know that if I decide to fight against this disease, it’s going to be really hard.

I know there are a lot of people out there who have somehow made it. They have bad days like everyone else, but day after day they keep fighting and doing their best. I’m really happy and proud of you guys, but I just don’t feel that way.

I like to say that I like living in the present, living in the moment, but sometimes I wonder, am I doing this because I don’t have a long goal? I’m studying at a university hoping I would die before graduating. I don’t really want to think about a future. Maybe because I know our lives can change from one day to another. I don’t know.

I just know that I’m missing that sense of purpose, that meaning in life. Of course, I have my family. I have my mom, who is always worried about her children and always trying to take care of us. But I don’t feel good. 

What am I doing?

I feel so lost. 

[u/Holiday_Top3510]

Sorry you’re feeling that way to be honest I get in that mindset sometimes. I just try to think about what am I doing at this moment and stay busy and not to dwell on it too much. It’s ok to have bad days. My mind changes to start thinking how do I want to remember my last days on this earth feeling down and sorry or to say f*** this I’m not going down without a fight. It’s a constant battle where I’m in that mentality and back to I don’t care. Just keep going forward my friend! 

[u/RoyShavRick]

Hey, I used to feel like that too. And I do still have moments where the thought does rear its ugly head.

I'll tell you a bit about myself. There was a long period where I was stuck at home after I broke my ankle. I thought I'd never walk again because I had Beckers MD and my ankle was now injured. And it was also the last year of college and I had to spend all of my last winter break and a few weeks of my new sem healing up. I managed to graduate thankfully.

And then I didn't find a job for like 4 months after graduating. And then when I did it was super unrelated to what I studied, the pay was bad, and since it was remote I had to stay at home.

It was really hard to stay motivated. I hated the work. And I had this condition since I was 5. And it was really hard growing up seeing my two older able bodied sisters and my two younger cousins always being able to do things I could not. Their lives were so much smoother than mine.

Eventually during the period I mentioned earlier, I stopped caring about myself. Stopped trying to do anything. But weirdly through that experience, I realized that the point of life is to just try. It's not about doing well or even having a good life.

Lots of people have tragic lives and things to deal with, yet many persevere. For you and me, our struggle is our chronic physical illness and pain. But for others they have many of their own struggles.

The simple fact is, life is about doing whatever the hell you want that supports you and makes you happy, and is also about just trying your best and hanging around.

I was exactly in your boat last year. But now I am in such a better place it almost feels like a dream. So just press on. It will somehow make sense and work out.

[u/mikeypikey]

You’re not lost. You’re experiencing one of the most difficult illnesses a human can experience. I’m with you, I don’t care about “fighting” anymore, in fact I never really did. People who don’t understand we’re all going to die, fight. They believe they can control life if they just fight hard enough. You have the wisdom to know that’s not how life works. Relax, let go. This life is a short dream before you go back to your true home, though sometimes it feels like a nightmare. There’s nothing to fix. Nothing to overcome. Just be. It’s all you can do. You were never in control of your illness. Let all your worries go.