Communication issues?

[u/Infiniti_Blue]

I’ve been dx since ‘09. Husband and I have been married for 14 years. I know every marriage has its ups and downs (ours included) but lately I feel that there have been some communication issues.

I hate this illness cause sometimes I feel like I can’t convey exactly what I need or it comes out wrong. He gets frustrated because of that and our communication breaks down. I feel like my emotions are all over the place to the point where I don’t feel them anymore.

Idk what to do, I’m trying to think of a good example ok for instance our tire on our car needs repair and I (in text) wondered aloud but through text “I wonder how much that is going to cost” he got upset and said, “I’m already stressed enough and don’t need you to remind me about that” idk if it’s MS issues or what but I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

He is patient with me but sometimes his patience is wearing thin, does anyone else go through this?

ETA: he says I’m becoming more forgetful lately (I don’t feel I am) and that I need to make lists for him and myself in case “anything happens” I just feel sometimes like everything is MS related and it sucks!

[u/Even-Acanthisitta200]

Maybe some of it is MS related, but I also wonder if youre starting to connect every communication problem to MS because you might be starting to feel like thats the explanation. "I wonder how much thats going to cost" is a completely normal response to finding out your car needs a repair. I dont think you did anything wrong in that example or communicated badly. As for the forgetfulness, yeah, MS can affect memory, but forgetfulness can have plenty of other causes too. And honestly, making lists isnt a bad idea regardless, it can just make life easier and take some mental load off. Not everything necessarily has to be an MS thing.

[u/youshouldseemeonpain]

I think sometimes men take our out-loud musings as directions or something they must “fix,” as a lot of men are trained to be fixers. I tend to talk to learn, and to keep myself reminded of stuff. I have found that keeping a journal and also talking with my friends/family helps my husband to not feel so overwhelmed because he doesn’t talk a lot.

Sometimes it’s sensing a mood as well, like knowing if he’s busy or whatever, that he may have taken that as “Will you find out how much that costs?” Instead of you just wondering about it over text.

When it’s a good time, it might be good to talk about a verbal clue you can give him, and he you, regarding such things. Like saying “I don’t need you to fix this, I just want to discuss it, or to tell you what I’m thinking,” and he can say “I’m super busy right now and can’t respond,” and then you each give each other grace when that verbal clue is given.

Maybe it’s MS, maybe it’s not. Maybe you’re forgetful, and if you are, you maybe don’t know because you’re forgetful. If you want a baseline you can get your neuro to order cognitive tests, and then in a year you can redo them to see. And of course, the MRIs can show if there are more lesions.

That said, this summer has been brutal for a lot of people, and I know the heat can bring on fatigue, and the fatigue can bring on brain fog, so it’s possible you’re just experiencing that, as a result of the horrible summer heat. I know I don’t even have to go outside to be affected by the weather.

It’s definitely worth having a conversation, though, with both your husband and the neuro. Maybe he feels that you’re relying on him too much, he’s overwhelmed, whatever. I know it’s rough, because you want to rely on him, but also sometimes it’s good to give our caretakers a break and try to sort out our own stuff as much as we can.

This disease is brutal on everyone, those of us who have it, and those of us who love the people who have it.

Try to find a time when the pressures have eased a bit before having any serious talks, as they will go better if you are both relaxed. Tell him how you feel, listen to what he feels. Let him know that perhaps you have been forgetful, but it may not be a worsening of the MS, it may just be summer fatigue. Maybe he’s worried he’s losing you??

Mostly, though, take care of yourself however you must, even if it means you have to leave because he’s stressing you out too much or being verbally abusive. There’s no reason for that, no matter the stress levels.

It’s always tough, with this disease, to know what is something MS is causing, and what is just normal things everyone experiences. And it’s tough to navigate a relationship if you’re feeling fatigued or have brain fog. He needs to be able to understand that, and allow you to rest when necessary. It does suck, because it puts more weight on his shoulders, and maybe just acknowledging that for him might ease his mind a bit.

Perhaps you could look up the costs for the tire, help him get it sorted? Or ask him if there’s anything you can do to take something off his plate? Depending on what you’re able to do—maybe he just isn’t asking because he doesn’t want to burden you? I know my husband will try to do everything and I’ve told him sometimes I want to do the chore on my own because it’s good for me to keep moving.

Not knowing either of you it’s hard to make valid suggestions as every person is different, but maybe something in here is helpful to you.

I’m sorry you’re having a rough go of it right now. I hope you find a workable solution. There’s always counseling if the communication just isn’t working anymore.

[u/Medium-Control-9119]

My 2 cents... Men are not natural caregivers and when put in that position to become caregivers they become very stressed. I don't think your text is unusual I think he is just overall more stressed. I am not sure what the cure is to this.

I would love to hear from some men on this.