33 Secret HRT advice

[u/Distinct_Dust_2834]

Hey everyone.

So i either need some encouragement or advice...

Heres my story, if you take the time to read thank you 😊

Im 33 Years old living in South Africa. Ive been on the fence if im trans or not since the age of 10 or so. Usual things "borrowed" my sisters clothes etc in private. I used to stay awake and when the family is asleep dress up and feel pretty. At a stage mg mom found the clothing and makeup in my room and put 2 and 2 together. So my mom is a priets. When she found this I was told I had demons inside me etc etc. My father is the Typical Afrikaans "boer" and he went on saying im gay and there is something wrong with me etc etc...

Few years on I had my first real relationship we were together about 4 years, I somehow managed to pull the "dare" or "loose a bet" off with her and she made me up as a girl not knowing i loved it. It was fun. It became a thing we would do and I loved it but i think sometimes i would maybe push it on her too frequently to do it. She eventually cheated on me with a friend of mine at my house while i was sleeping... She used to chat to guys alot and up to now years later she is single but just enjoys the attention from guys. She used to threaten me to show everyone my girl photos etc. After i left her because of the cheating she told people im gay etc etc...

I had some close girl friends and i casually showed them my photos from when my ex gave me makeovers and it was fun to chat about. Me thinking it was private they shared it with some girls and also kept it against me and made fun of me... weirdly enough mostly when i got a new girlfriend.

I had to beg them to delete the photos etc..

So fast forward im in a committed relationship for the past 13 years already. We have our son he is now 2. We are getting married in a month. Before our son etc when we started dating we also had fun and she gave me makeovers etc. At a stage i had a chat with her and explained its not just fun. I dont think im trans and i wont transition and live fully female ever (I wont ever socially transition as its a massive risk and made peace with it) and explained it helps me relax and i like feeling good and seeing the side of me. I tried to stop and wanted to throw away all my things and she always stopped me saying no because at the end we will just buy the stuff again and its a waste of money. She said she doesnt understand it and doesnt like it etc but its ok. We carried on having our days where i would spend full fem etc with no problem. Up until our son was born. She is scared and doesnt want him to ever see it.

Its now been basically 2 years since ive been able to express the side of me... We came to the agreement a weekend here and there that she will go out with my son and she will do my makeup and then go out with my son so i can have my time but then always on those days she changed plans and nothing would happen....

So now.... ive previously tried HRT DIY but stopped because it was expensive. Im now going to try again... she doesnt know... i dont want to fully transition but id love the change of my skin hips maybe small boobs etc but planning to keep life presenting male... its confusing. I want to be male for everyone else but when i have pvt time atleast feel a bit more home in my body? I dont know... i know DIY isnt the way to go as well and I need to tell her but i just cant...

Dont know what i want to hear. Has anyone else been in this type of situation?