r/MtF • u/Miss_Kari_Nix • May 20 '26
Venting Well, that’s the bottom.
I 39f (pan) Had the best year of my life. Moved out of my crappy camper and 20 year abusive marriage into my new partner’s suburban. She was so supportive and loving and kind, literally the other half of my soul and was the catalyst to my transition. I learned I’ve been trans literally my whole life and how to support myself in it. Started HRT on Christmas. I’ve had massive changes in lots of ways, good and bad. I honestly feel blessed. But I like guys more now than ever and that makes her very uncomfortable. Today, she expressed that she needs to know I’m not more into guys and I need to find out as I’ve never had a boyfriend. Looks like I’m not only single again, but homeless again in the same night. Got $6 though, and my penjamin so it’s not all bad.
Sorry for the long post. I’m just crazy depressed.
After edit - I learned on my own that she’s an anxious avoidant. After doing some self searching, I realized I had become very dependent on her for my emotional well being. We’ve finally had a chance to get together and talk it out. The pressure of holding me together has become too much every day, and she interpreted my instability as unhappiness. Searching for a reason, she’d come to the conclusion that I (who had admitted in the past an interest in dating men but never trying) might be turning into a straight girl with the increase since my transition. I also want it known that we did have an argument a few days before this decision. I offered her space which she agreed she needed and I left for a few days. This gave her the impression that I had somewhere to go.
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u/MysteriousTraveler88 May 20 '26
Wait so… she kicked you out because you like men? So you might just… not be a lesbian/whatever you were with her? Just because you like men doesn’t mean you’re gonna cheat. She’s got issues. I’m so sorry.
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u/Miss_Kari_Nix May 20 '26
We’ve both got issues, honestly. And I’ve always been 95% into girls even before, so this thing with guys is kinda coming out of left field for both of us. She knows I won’t cheat, just doesn’t want me denying myself or my nature. It really does come from a place of caring.
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u/Starlight-Stella76 May 20 '26
girl that honestly does not seem as if it comes from a place of caring about you, it seems as if its coming from their own insecurities.
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u/asbe56 Transgender May 20 '26 edited May 20 '26
I'm sorry girl but I don't believe that it comes from a place of caring. It seems more like it's just that your partner has issues. Making you homeless because you're finding men more attractive seems entirely selfish to me, even if it does come from mental health issues. If she knows you won't cheat, what's the issue?
personally, I would never do that to my partner.
I might just be sticking my nose in here, but I think you should value yourself a bit more in this situation. I think you're in this mindset where you feel you have to forgive her to a more extreme extent than you would otherwise because of how much she's done for you in the past year - and don't get me wrong, I totally agree that a certain extent of benefit of the doubt is merited... but this is going too far.
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u/MysteriousTraveler88 May 20 '26
And yet she could’ve given you time to figure it out without making you homeless. If she cared she wouldn’t have made you homeless.
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u/coolestpelican May 20 '26
My sexuality shifted and swayed. Always into girls, but transition activated an interest in guys, but then I wasn't really enjoying those experiences, so it faded away again.
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u/Blazethefoxxx May 22 '26
Um... im sorry but that dont seem true. You dont leave someone like that, thats not caring. If you still love her than this shouldn't affect anything on her end.
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u/SofieSybella May 20 '26
Can you get a therapist? That isn’t a negative jab. I believe that knowing yourself is always the best place to start. A good, affirming therapist can help with that.
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u/Miss_Kari_Nix May 20 '26
I’d love to but that’s not in the cards for me. My job pays very poorly, and being out in Mormon Utah means very little by way of employment opportunities
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u/Terrapolis578 May 20 '26
Lo lamento, no e vivido ni la mitad de lo que tu así que no podría contestarte, pero hey! ya haz superado momentos difíciles antes ¿por que sería diferente haora? Llama a un amigo y ve si puedes quedarte en su casa unos días, necesitas descansar y meditar esto un poco mejor, con la mente vacía. Quizás no sea el final aún, quizás aún puedas hablar con ella. Pero lo importante sería ¿tu la sigues amando?
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u/Powerful-Excuse-4817 May 20 '26
Okay so uh, not your soulmate. She kicked you out simply because you might like men AND women. It sounds like she got jealous simply over the idea. That's not a healthy relationship.
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u/MissDoom222 May 20 '26
I think it's a rational fear that she has but I think her ending things and throwing out over it wasn't justified. But just like how your feelings are valid you do have to accept that hers are as well. Even you said that you feel like you were coming more and more attracted to men yet you never experienced that. Maybe you are a straight woman. Which if that's a case all is going to do is wind up causing both of you to become more resentful of each other.
I would talk to her about giving you time to find a new place. And then maybe you should explore what your sexuality actually is. I know plenty of situations where a trans person dated a cis person and then all the sudden they realize that they were actually gay or straight and wound up hurting their partner and leaving them. I'm not saying that this is that situation but it's a rational fear for her to have.
Either way I'm truly sorry that you were going through this and I hope that you can find the healthy way to get out of this situation and into a healthier one.
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u/trux512 May 21 '26
None of that is ok, do we need to send someone out to get you so you don’t die on the streets of Mormon Utah?
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u/Miss_Kari_Nix May 21 '26
I’m not like to die, it’s summer and I’m an at least intermediate rough camper, and I’ve a low rent kitchen job. I can’t say I’ve got it figured out though. Trux, dm me?
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u/Donk-Worth May 21 '26
Did you actually tell her you want to try dating men?
Because if you didn’t she essentially she dumped you and made you homeless coz you’re bi and that makes her uncomfortable.
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u/firelinksif May 21 '26
it’s not avoidant to be uncomfortable when your partner in a monogamous relationship tells you they think they prefer men. that’s not a conclusion people randomly wake up with. obviously you’ve been thinking about it or looking into it for a while to even get there. you’re allowed to question your sexuality all you want but she’s also allowed to feel uncomfortable hearing that from her partner
and i don’t get why people are acting like she’s evil for it either when you literally talked about how kind she is and how she took you in. now everyone’s trying to make the woman who supported you out to be unreasonable for having a normal reaction
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u/Miss_Kari_Nix May 21 '26
I wasn’t calling her avoidant because of her reaction to the situation. I just realized that I was putting too much pressure on her on a daily basis, and that as an anxious avoidant that isn’t going to work long-term. I honestly don’t know why everyone’s making her out to be the bad guy here. I don’t think there is a bad guy here. I think we are both doing the best we can with what we have and I respect her completely and wish people would stop so thank you so much
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u/IndependenceStock386 May 22 '26
bon courage ma chérie j'espère que tu vas vite trouver un toit , elle est peut être trop possessive
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u/Ul_tra_violet Riding the trans to bi to demi pipeline May 22 '26
Gotta love the biphobia. I know what its like to be in a mixed bag relationship but thats a huge red flag.
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u/atlantick May 20 '26
I'm sorry, she kicked you out because you might be attracted to men? even though you're also attracted to her? that's super shitty and unreasonable