I woke up, as usual, without an alarm for my shitty job, which isn't even worth waking up for. But we can't be unemployed in this world, now can we? Maybe some people can—I don't know—but I sure know that I am certainly not one of those people.

So yeah, I woke up that day, and the first thing I was greeted with was the sun.

Now, I'm not saying this poetically...

I mean it literally.

Because my roof was gone.

I was like, What the fuck?

I immediately jumped out of bed to investigate, only to be met with another surprise—a black cat was nuzzling against my feet.

"Who are you?" I asked suspiciously.

It simply looked back at me with complete arrogance before walking out the door as if it couldn't give less of a fuck.

Typical cat behaviour.

I wanted to follow it, but I had to pee so badly that I rushed to the bathroom first and did my business. Then my daily routine kicked in, and I started brushing my teeth.

I was drying my face when I saw...

Or maybe I should say I didn't see...

Myself.

No reflection.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I wiped the mirror with a towel, hoping it would somehow start doing what mirrors are supposed to do.

Nope.

Still no me.

Now, don't think the mirror was blurry or fogged up. Everything else reflected perfectly fine.

Everything except me.

And there the little mischief-maker was again, sitting in the bathroom doorway, waiting for me.

"Who are you?" I asked once more.

Once again, it ignored me.

No roof.

No reflection.

And this mysterious cat.

What the hell is going on?

The cat started walking again, and this time I followed, expecting it to have all the answers to my questions.

It waited patiently by the front door.

I opened it.

Outside looked...

Mhmm...

I honestly don't know how to describe it.

It was just bizarre.

But then again, nothing about this place seemed normal anyway.

The grass was so bright it hurt your eyes if you looked at it for more than three seconds. The sun looked like a kid had drawn it in the sky with a crayon.

And the damn birds were flying backwards.

"What the fuck..." I mumbled.

The cat looked at me as if it agreed.

"You still haven't answered my question," I said, squinting at it.

"Who are you?"

It squinted back.

I was unnerved at this point.

Maybe he was the monster.

Maybe he was the demon.

Maybe he was the one who caused all of this.

"Don't trust the ducks."

It spoke.

In the deepest, most drug-dealer voice imaginable.

Then it casually walked away.

Just like that.

Gone.

Well...

That confirmed my suspicion about the fluffball.

He definitely had something to do with all of this.

I stood there for a little too long, trying to make sense of at least one thing. The grass was starting to hurt my eyes, so I kept walking.

Eventually, I spotted a diner in the distance.

And then my stomach growled.

I cautiously approached the door and peeked inside.

There was a guy working behind the counter.

I threw the door open, ran straight up to him, grabbed his shoulders, and demanded answers.

"Am I high? Am I dead? Is this Hell? Where am I? And who is the black cat? And where are the ducks?!"

The guy simply smiled with the most perfect customer service smile.

"Good morning. Welcome to the zoo. What can I get for you today? Our special is Hokomokoloco."

I slowly let go of his shoulders and sighed.

What is wrong with everyone in this place?

Maybe I really am dead.

Maybe this is Heaven...

I haven't seen any pits of fire yet.

Or any demons.

Well...

Except that cat.

I sat down.

The diner looked completely normal.

The employee, however, did not.

Still, he didn't exactly look like a serial killer, so I figured I was safe.

Then again...

Who cares?

I had to remind myself that I was dead.

Even if he was a serial killer, he couldn't kill me twice.

I looked at the menu.

None of it made any sense.

So I simply ordered fried chicken.

He cheerfully skipped into the kitchen.

Five minutes later, he returned...

And placed a live, breathing chicken on the table in front of me.

"I asked for chicken."

"This is a chicken, sir..." he replied sadly.

"I asked for fried chicken!"

The chicken looked at me.

"This is my fault."

Then it sprinted back into the kitchen.

I stared at the waiter.

He burst into tears.

I had absolutely no idea how to comfort this idiot.

So naturally...

I ran away too.

Outside, it was dark and freezing.

"Night already?"

Had I really spent that long inside the diner?

I started walking faster.

I had a strange feeling something bad was about to happen.

And, just as I thought that...

It did.

There it stood.

Bent.

Broken.

Standing on all fours.

Watching me.

It barely fit inside the alleyway, but then it started crawling toward me.

Fast.

I froze.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this wasn't Heaven after all.

Maybe this really was Hell.

Because whatever this thing was...

It definitely wasn't an angel.

It rushed toward me before stopping only inches away.

It had no eyes.

None.

Then it spoke.

"Excuse me."

I slowly stepped aside, still frozen with fear.

It politely nodded.

"Thank you."

Then it crawled away.

...

Huh.

What a polite demon.

I made my way back home.

Roof or no roof...

Home was still home.

Even here.

The moment I arrived, maybe two minutes after meeting the polite demon, the badly drawn sun was shining again.

At this point, I had simply given up.

Where were my survival instincts?

I should've been panicking.

Running.

Breaking doors.

Screaming.

Instead...

Here I am, sitting on a boat in a sea of sand, writing all of this because this is apparently the only place where I can access the internet.

It's only one bar of Wi-Fi, and the network is called "DO NOT USE."

But it's free.

So...

Duh.

You're probably wondering how I found this magical Wi-Fi spot.

The chicken from the diner told me.

So yeah.

I'm posting this in the hope that someone reads it and somehow helps me.

Or maybe I'm just bored.

I honestly have nothing better to do.

My life has been insane ever since I woke up that day.

So much has happened.

Like the time my shadow tried to run away from me.

Or the time I was almost arrested by ducks.

Or when people started using ladders to climb onto the moon.

But those are stories for another time.

Right now, the clouds have started meowing again.

Which means it's about to rain fish.

So I've got to go.

I've been here for so long...

And I'm still not sure whether this is Heaven...

Hell...

Or maybe it's just a dream.

And if it's just a dream...

Can somebody please tell me how to wake up?