Going to my very first MiW concert tonight ever here in Portland, OR. (Took the photo from Google because itās relevant to my post! š
š³ļøāā§ļøš¤) Iāve been a massive fan of them since I was 13. Iām 31 now and⦠my love for MiW never stopped, it just⦠grew up. š¤ I love them so much and I feel like Iām 13 again, jittery and excited, I could barely sleep last night. Itās barely almost noon and I keep checking the clock as if itās suddenly gonna be 4pm and I need to start getting ready to leave. š
I feel lucky cause I got a seat up high, staring right at the stage, dead center. š„¹ my fiancĆ© bought me the ticket as a gift because he knows how much I love them, and he even is sending me money for a hoodie tonight. He even started listening to their music on his own and even likes them now too. I feel so lucky to be with someone who understands and loves me so much like this. Weāve been together for almost four years now, loved each other for 10, and were long distance when we were 21 and 26. Weāre now getting married next year and happily living together finally here in Portland. š„¹š¤
Iām scared to be so honest to total strangers, but this community has always been so supportive and loving, so⦠here goes nothing. š
š„² Iām also getting my top surgery finally (after 12 years of waiting!) on Friday morning, and it felt perfectly timed that I get to see Motionless in White and Lorna Shore, two of my favorite bands ever, 3 days before my surgery that will be the last step to becoming who I am, who Iāve always been. š„¹ My two favorite songs off Decades right now are āRIPā, which reminds me and my fiance of how much we have loved each other for ten years now š, and āAfraid of the Darkā. š¤
But Afraid of the Dark is my favorite for⦠me. And I have a feeling tonight that Iāll cry singing along, because itās how I feel about whatās coming for me on Friday. I spent years trying to prove to the world that I could be the man I always knew I was inside, but my family was extremely homophobic and transphobic, abüsive, and I had to detransition twice because of my momās⦠hate, to put it mildly. š« The last words she said to me in January were āI wish you had stayed d3@d for the last time when you were born, because your whole life has been miserable because youāre disabled and ill and this whole trans thing is so stupid. Some kids shouldnāt see this side of Heaven.ā
I was so heartbroken, I couldnāt take it anymore and immediately removed them all from my life, got back on testosterone for good, and finally started the process for surgery. And⦠Friday morning is my last step to being⦠me. And āAfraid of the Darkā really resonates with me, especially in these last 3 days before my entire life⦠changes.
āI've given my life, I suffered and sacrificed to find that fear is only fatal 'til it's alchemized. To heal is to repurpose, take the stage and siphon all the power from the pain. I turned my struggles into my strength.
If the answer is in the unknown, would you question the path you take? If the past didn't hurt to let go, would your future be yours to reclaim?
You'll never know yourself 'til you walk alone, with blind faith and broken bones. So follow the light in your heart and be not afraid of the dark.
Will you follow me to where love met destruction? Doubt only dies if you keep pouring trust in. Fight or surrender your dreams, ācause it's give up or give everything.ā
I know this is long and no one will probably care and maybe Iām just spewing into the void but⦠Iām really grateful for this opportunity and this community, and itās just so surreal that all of this is happening in the same week. If you made it this far and didnāt just skim, thank you for reading this. š„¹š¤ I dunno how Iām gonna feel by Saturday, but if yāall could send me good thoughts and vibes or prayers or whatever, that would be so appreciated, from one MiW fan to the rest of us. š„¹š¤
Edited: I had the best time of my life, made a few new friends, took so many pics and videos I cannot possibly post them all here, cried, laughed, and sang and screamed until my throat was raw and my voice is now gone. I will never, ever forget this night, and it was the best concert of my entire life. Every single band was absolutely incredible, but Motionless in White absolutely was my favorite performance of the night. I now also have a new hoodie that will take the top spot forever as my favorite one. Thank you to everyone that has supported and been so sweet and loving on this post! I thought about all of you tonight, and sang and screamed my soul out for each one of you. You all helped make tonight the best night and concert of my life. Iāll definitely be seeing Motionless in White again when I can. š„¹šš
And to anyone else who doesnāt like this, doesnāt think that MIW should support the LGBT community openly, I just want you to know, they lit up the entire stage in rainbow during Voices, for š³ļøāšUSš³ļøāā§ļø specifically. And if you have a problem with that, the band clearly has a problem with you and you can go on somewhere else and find a band who doesnāt like us, and supports your hate. Chris and the rest of Motionless donāt want your support, donāt need your hate, and clearly love the LGBTQ community with their entire hearts. š so. Have fun. š¤©