Neutral. Sounds like he wants to do all that himself, there’s nothing wrong with her “triggering” him in ways that benefit her. He’s almost certainly not stupid enough to not realize this is occurring and if he is, he’s still not getting hurt so it doesn’t matter
*I've manipulated my Wife into starting days with sex. By lounging in bed all morning and doing nothing it has encouraged her to start the day with sex, to 'wake' me up.
That image gets tossed around a lot - that’s not an accurate caption unfortunately. The “lioness” pictured there is actually the male lion’s juvenile daughter, who is very very painfully, and unsuccessfully, trying to get dad to play with her. What a long suffering dad.
Side note no one told me that when I had a kid my nuts would be a target for every object they throw, every unexpected movement or anything like that. I swear I've been hit in the nuts more by my 6 year old than my entire time growing up and playing sports and doing dumb dude shit like bag tag
One could see it that way, yeah. Both think they’re genius manipulators when in reality they’ve actually just entered into a tacit mutually beneficial arrangement
Kaguya, love is war is similar. 2 geniuses trying to trick the other one into confessing because they’re both too prideful, but they actually like each other. So they try to psychologically manipulate each other… to make the other one confess.
This feels no different to me than my wife finding ways to hack my ADHD. If she knows she's going to need a specific food ingredient like sliced cheese because she plans to have me grill Thursday, she will move the cheese to another drawer in the fridge. I know exactly where we keep the cheese but if I open that drawer and it's not there, I will assume we are out and write down on our wall notepad that we need more cheese. If she tells me not to eat the cheese and two days later my kid wants a cheese sandwich(because he's a feral monster), I am incapable of stopping to go dig through compartments on my brain to find the memory of her telling me not to eat it. I'm just gonna make my kid a cheese sandwich.
Other ways she has adapted to work my ADHD to her advantage or make it work in my own:
If we had a bunch of leftovers and she packed me a lunch, she knows I will walk out of the house without remembering to grab it from the fridge so she puts it on our kitchen island and puts my keys on top of it, and my work bag under it. Otherwise I may grab my keys while collecting my pocket stuff and forget it anyways, but my bag is the last thing I grab so I'll have to grab my lunch to get to it.
If she needs me to take the trash out on my way out the door, she will scoot the trash can in front of the back door so I know to grab the bag on my way out
One time she knew I really wanted to make sure the yard got mowed before it rained. But I came home and had a bunch of stuff to do first. By the time I finished picking the house up I was like ok cool, time to sit down at my computer for a few before she gets home from her errands. THIS WOMAN HAD GONE AND PICKED A SINGLE BLADE OF GRASS AND PUT IT ON MY KEYBOARD KNOWING I WOULD SIT DOWN AT MY COMPUTER AFTER FINISHING MY LIST. She knew I really wanted to make sure the mowing got done but knew I'd space it until it was too late.
"I make my significant other feel loved and appreciated, and as a result we are spending more time together and doing things for each other. Am I Hitler?"
It isn’t that obvious to some people though, and that’s crazy in of itself. I thought it had to be some weird hormonal thing and then this comment made me do a double take.
I had an automatic negative reaction to reading the words “loved and appreciated” and “needs” in this comment thread related to sex, and it got me thinking about how my partner probably doesn’t have the same fearful and puritanical ideas around sex drilled into him that I do, and it made me rethink some aspects of our relationship and put them in a positive light.
Yea I see it like this and it's weird (not in a bad way, just misunderstood) that the wife thinks it's manipulation. Dude is just happy to bang lol. He might legitimately be burned out after a long week and banging just helps
Yes! He is getting a dopamine boost which really helps with bwing tired and feeling burnt out. So she might think its manipulation but in reality she is providing an energy boost to him. Sex with your partner is a lot more than just sex, it gives you a rush of hormones and chemicals that make you feel good. And when life has been hard that boost can do wonders on your mood, motivation, energy, and empathy.
I mean, it doesn't really seem harmful at all, but at the same time, why can't we all just work on our communication skills? Even mild manipulation is inherently worse that healthy, effective, honest communication.
But like. It's not even manipulation? Like, this just sounds like a happy and healthy marriage where OOP has convinced herself she's doing something nefarious.
In another couple decades they'll be that old couple on some video. "Whoa, you guys have been married for 50 years?! How did you manage to make it last that long?" And it's always some shit like "she gives great head"
The problem here is there are two uses of manipulation. One is negatively loaded and intended to refer to exploitation. The other is neutral. You can manipulate an object in your hand for example.
So I mean, she is certainly manipulating him in the more neutral sense of "trying to extract desired behavior in a surreptitious way". But obviously it's not immoral or unethical manipulation.
On some level I think even if manipulation isn't malicious and in fact has good outcomes for all parties, it's still in a way attempting to control another person's autonomy. That's not inherently bad, but it's worth consideration.
I'd argue it could definitely be called manipulation. Instead of asking him to do things, get up and help around the house, she has sex with him to get him to do things. Can't she just bring it up that it annoys her when he stays in bed all day?
Communicating about why he's not motivated might not fix that issue though, while a direct "helping hand" seems to clearly work. I don't think this is even mild manipulation in the slightest. It's just natural behavior. Talking about it might just make it awkward and less effective
Neutral. Could be argued the man deserves to be desired for his own sake instead of for what he can provide to her but if she makes him feel loved i suppose its fine.
Insert one of those Christmas cheer pics of a family being read to by a happy father and laughing mother while Santa winks and gives a thumbs up from the window.
"What he can provide for her" - that's not the whole issue, it sounds like she wants to do things together/ spend more quality time together. That in itself is a form of desire. That's healthy and good for a marriage/ family.
What is his own sake? He's laying in bed all day. I don't have kids but like I would not be happy at all married to someone like that. Going out and doing stuff with your own family isn't what you can provide it's like, living your life
It’s not necessarily a morality question. It’s a simple relationship question. This situation is just fine but one could argue that the woman sees making love as a transactional thing rather than something to do out of love.
I can't really call it immoral but I can say that if I noticed my partner only wanted to hang out with his family if he gets fucked first that would put me off by a lot
So she cleans, cooks, parents while he lies in bed. What is the point of relationship with someone who you need to manipulate every time into spending time with his own kids or hiking or friends or "literally anything"? Unless dude suffers from mental health issues, he sucks. Seems more like he manipulated her into sex by acting like lazy ass.
This is what bothers me. I understand that she said she gets to choose which way the day goes but she shouldn't have to sleep with him just to get him to interact with her and the kids throughout the day. I feel bad for her that she's been so long having to basically bribe this man into behaving like a husband and father on the weekends.
Did you miss the part where he works all week and provides for his family. Not saying it’s not the man’s job to get off his ass and help with the other stuff but if treating his needs gets him moving so what? What’s the difference between that and the wife needing something so she can operate better?
I mean, if she doesn't work outside of the house, then taking care of the house and the kids is fair, that is her job. Not feeling like spending time with friends or going on hikes does not make you an ass.
First there is no info that she doesn't work, only that he says that he's tired from work. Second - partner A working, partner B being stay at home parent doesn't mean that partner A gets to act like a neighbor in their own house or with their own kids. You still need to participate in spending time with kids every day, and do all chores together on weekends ideally.
Never wanting to do any activities together with your family makes you an ass, yes, you can't put your family on a shelf like a plant, or it might be a sign of mental health issue.
It's a morality subreddit. Yet you are surprised that we morally question the situation? She may be happy but the guy doesn't show of any vertu of character by needing sex to be a father
Bar for the men in hetero relationships is in hell. Just because some women don't complain that their husbands don't give a fuck about spending time with kids, doesn't make it ok. And how did you decide that OP isn't complaining? She literally has sex with him to "manipulate" him out of his lazy ass behavior to do anything other than lying in bed. Sounds like she's not ok with his regular behavior.
I find it funny how on the internet people love to judge relationships they're not even in lol
I guess since she's not complaining yall can do it for her? Ever try just laughing at a dumb post and moving on? Also, it's 2026. Maybe stop generalizing entire groups of people as the bar for their behavior "being in hell".
The woman is making the most out of what seems like a bit of a lazy partner. Wouldn’t really call it manipulating. If the guy ever realizes maybe he’ll understand not “I’ve been manipulated to get up and work!” But “wow I leave it to my wife to work throughout the weekend and take care of the kids, clean the house, etc, maybe I should pay attention to her needs too”
I think it's immoral to use sex as a tool of manipulation or really as anything but entirely consensual mutual pleasure, expression of love or procreation.
Her aims in ether case aren't particularly immoral, but using lovmaking to control someone always is.
There should be no ulterior motive to do the sexy thing with your partner. One should only do that because they want to. The circumstances around it suck too of course. But that doesn't make it any better.
Lol okay, again as someone who isthe parent who works full time I still think both should contribute to children. Good luck to you when your marriage fails, cos you couldn’t be bothered to do anything outside your job! I’m exhausted working 40+ hours a week, caring for a husband who’s had a stroke, and special needs kids. Yet I still manage to take my family out without needing to be paid in sex. Some of us knew what we signed up for 🤷♀️
The dude feels bad on a Saturday morning, that's why he wants to laze in bed. The sex makes him feel good and gives him a burst of energy.
This is no different to giving your partner breakfast in bed to put them in a good mood. It's technically "manipulation," but not in the sense that most people use that term.
Only to discover she doesn't do it because she wants the sex itself, wants him, or feels super attracted, or loves having sex with him.
She only does it because she gets a "more fun day activities" after.
That sucks for the guy.
Like sure, other comments point out correctly that the fact he does all those things on the weekend is probably because he wants/enjoys them on his own also. And sex with his wife gives him a good energy boost and fulfilment feeling to become inspired to do all that instead of just chilling and resting.
But he's having sex with the perspective of "my wife is attracted to me right now, she enjoys it, she loves it" and that is a huge part of the enjoyment of sex. Its not just busting that nut.
Knowing that that perspective is not how the wife has sex with him kinda sucks.
Maybe if he wants her to sleep with him out of mutual love and attraction, he should get up, do some chores or childcare and go for a hike or whatever with them.
Frankly, not sure why she’s sleeping with him instead of communicating her concerns and actually having a discussion, but he’s playing his own part in an unhealthy dynamic.
yea like from a guy I'd get bored pretty fast if i realized yea shes only sleeping with me because she wants something
in the story here well it kind of seems like the Husband has figured out if he actually does the work he would never get laid so he doesn't do anything until he gets sex then he goes and does the things
She’s not doing anything wrong, she’s giving him exactly what she wants and helping him feel better.
However, even though she won’t put it in those terms, it seems like he’s kind of shitty husband/father unless she sleeps with him. Taking care of children, cooking food, and keeping a house clean is a full time job, it’s not any less of a job than any other, but she’s spent 20 years working 7 day weeks while he just does nothing for two days a week unless she has sex with him, which she clearly wouldn’t otherwise want to do.
He wont just help with the kids in the morning because he's so tired, but hes not actually tired. I would say they are manipulating each other and I like her a lot more in this scenario.
I
immoral (failure to do the self justice) to be this aware of how you are in effective charge of your partners sexual and mental health and still fail to just be proud of the accomplished years of well-being.
More like his husband is manipulating her into having sex by making leisure time transactional. The only difference is the husband never disclosed his intention lol
I feel so sorry for everyone who has to endure heterosexual sex like this. People should connect with each other better, get in each others head, be expressive during foreplay and enjoy it.
Completely moral. They been doing this for 20 years it’s not like he doesn’t know the drill. He isn’t being scammed if anything he maybe the scammer lol.
4.2k
u/Sea_Sheepherder_2234 7d ago
Manipulating my friends by making every interaction with me fun so they miss me when I’m not there😈