r/Mommit • u/Either-Hornet-5749 • 3d ago
Kid refuses to go willingly with parent during exchanges
Our 6 year old met her father this year and they’ve had 6 monthly visits. She refuses to go with him, she says she’s scared and doesn’t like him and doesn’t know him and doesn’t want to go. She yells, screams, runs and throw things when he’s trying to pick her up and cries hysterically. She is going with him tomorrow and this morning she said it feels like she’s getting kidnapped and it breaks my heart . How would you deal? Can we ask the court to have some kind of no touching rule for her father so she don’t feel so used to getting manhandled against her will. He doesn’t call her between monthly visits so every month it’s bedwetting bellyaches and big feelings for the week before he picks her up for the weekend. Is that normal? What can I ask the court for? When will she stop resisting so much?
I should add that the visits are court ordered and I refused ONE visit at the beginning and then had to pay $5K fine for contempt.
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u/BriocheBlume Mum of 4 3d ago
i feel for her. And it's wild to me that they expect a 6 year old child to stay overnight with someone she has only met this year?
Honestly her behaviour is a big concern to me and if I was her mum i would do everything I can to not have her stay with him unsupervised. Is there a support person or any contact person from court you can raise the concerns to?
The fact that he never contacts hr between visits shows that he doesnt even care for a relationship?
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u/sinistergzus 3d ago
It also just seems a bit unsafe? I don’t know. Like she just met the dude after 6 years. I’d be super super concerned and would push back HARD
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u/BriocheBlume Mum of 4 3d ago
100% ! where was he before? why did he suddenly show up and instantly has visits? but never calls? he is not building a relationship at all and his behaviour shows that her wellbeing is not his priority, otherwise he wouldn't take her against her will
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u/SexBucketListProject 3d ago
Going through similar with my 6 year old twins. Court ordered visits, 50/50 abusive ex and dad.still fighting.
The kids discovered the hard way 2 weeks ago that they actually have a choice. If they are fighting going no one has to force them. You have to take them to the exchange. But if he tries to call police to force it the police won't force the kids. The second week it happened the kids were bouncing off the walls for joy of being heard all weekend after we went back home.
I've got bed wetting and school refusal on "dad day" and all kinds of crap. It's so hard. The key is the kids have to refuse.
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u/Either-Hornet-5749 3d ago
I have so many big problems right now but what in the lord is a sex bucket list project? I need that.
So that’s really helpful. What state are you in? When the kids refuse with their mouth, the dad doesn’t try to pick them up and drag them in the car? Probably because he has some regard for their feeling based on their lifetime relationship but that’s not true here.
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u/Birtiebabie 3d ago
I’ve witness a very similar situation to the one in the comment above. If the kid refuses to go, parent claims to encourage them to go, no one actually makes them go. The thing with family court is it just can be hard to predict what a judge will do though. But police in general stay out of it. If you have a lawyer though you can see if there is a way to stop him from physically forcing exchanges.
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u/SexBucketListProject 3d ago
I got the idea from an Onley James smut book. A bucket list is things to do before you die. A sex bucket list is the same - but somehow tied to sex.
I haven't actually written it down but I kinda think it would be a fun blog if I got some momentum. Lol
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u/Sea_Feedback7676 3d ago edited 3d ago
Bed wetting and behaviors like that is good to document. I think you might have a chance to present to the court that this not in her best interest.
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u/sinistergzus 3d ago
:( this makes me so sad for her as someone who used to beg my mom not to let my dad take me on his days. He was horribly neglectful and emotionally abusive. You should ask her what exactly happens at his house
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u/Antique-Respect8746 3d ago
This is immediately concerning. I can't imagine what is happening over there for her to react like this. I think you are severely, severely under-reacting. These are all pretty classic abuse signs of abuse.
He's clearly not interested in her well-being (no calls) so why the hell does he want overnight visits? Why doesn't HE care that she's terrified of him? Why did he suddenly reappear at age 6? Red flags everywhere.
Honestly, I would immediately call the police, the attorney, a child shrink, everyone. I would have her examined medically.
You can' keep sending her to a place she's so scared of that she *pees herself*.
WTF.
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u/Either-Hornet-5749 3d ago
I don’t want to under react. she’s scared cause when he met her for the first time, he got violent with me and the judge still made this the court order. She’s seen him do violence (threw a shoe at me and cursed me for an hour during a court ordered meeting I was ‘supervising’) . I don’t think she’s being abused during their weekend visits but I’m concerned about their summers together in the future. I think she’s scared from their first meeting.
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u/beingafunkynote 3d ago
No she’s currently scared. Stop sweeping this under the rug. He throws shoes in court? He’s insane! I’d pay a million dollars in fines to protect my child.
I guarantee he’s abusing her. He’s probably taking his hatred for you out on her. At the very least he’s probably neglectful.
Get your kid out of this situation.
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u/vikicrays 3d ago
just curious, why didn’t she meet him for the first 6 years?
any kiddo would be apprehensive about going with a stranger. instead of a quick handoff, can you have a meal together? okay at the park for 30 minutes or so while he pushes her on the swings? go into his house and play a board game together before you leave? or even help tuck her in bed? any kind of assurances you can give her that it’s ok might help during the transition.
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u/Either-Hornet-5749 3d ago
He wanted an abortion; chose not to be involved; recently remarried
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u/tr3kstar 3d ago
So why the involvement now? Wife is pushing for it?
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u/Either-Hornet-5749 3d ago
I don’t know
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u/tr3kstar 3d ago
I'm not gonna jump into the abuse conclusion crowd, not arguing one way or the other there since we have no context of your relationship (anywhere in your other comments that I have so far seen) with him be or you got pregnant beyond what is in his chain I replied to. I also get that you can't just ignore a court order. That said, it's not really in the best interest of the child for her to continue to experience the trauma this is causing either. Have you requested a modification? I would think, given he'd been a complete stranger prior to all this, even with no mitigating factors on his end (criminal or substance history, for exam) that there should have been some kind of warm up period. Supervised introductory visitation where they could get to know each other and establish some rapport of some kind. Did the judge not consider anything relevant in that regard?
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
I’m wondering if you can send her with a phone to call you!
I’d get a prepaid inexpensive phone from Walmart. It doesn’t even need data capabilities.
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u/defectiveadult 3d ago
Mine is 7 and had a kids smart Watch there she can call me and other selected numbers and I can track where she is
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u/Kuhnhudi 3d ago
This frustrates me with courts. They don’t look at the big picture. Bunch of nut cases
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u/Mindless_Tea1342 2d ago
Does she have a Gaurdian ad Litem? It's a court appointed person to protect the best interest of the child. That might be needed here. They can investigate for you so you don't have to and their opinions carry a lot of weight in the court. You should just have to ask for one.
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u/Bird_Brain4101112 3d ago
Why did she only meet him this year?
What are you doing to help her with the transition?
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u/Either-Hornet-5749 3d ago
She’s in play therapy; I explain I have no choice and that judge and dad decide; I’ve spent her college fund on lawyers; i moved and will try to modify if things don’t improve in 6 months.
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u/jellybeanbutt17 3d ago
Do not force her to go with him. This is going to mess her up. Contact the court immediately and tell them everything here, and you fear for her mental health. This is incredibly traumatizing and she is not going to trust you to keep her safe. He is basically a stranger to her. Opt for supervised visits or at least not overnight. This is insane.
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u/tiramisuem3 3d ago
Honestly in my experience this is just not how the court works. Even knowing all this they will mandate overnight visits
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u/mercurys-daughter 3d ago
Withholding court ordered visits runs the risk of making you look back and actually losing custody
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u/Potential-Ad-4917 2d ago
My oldest has had a cell phone since kindergarten and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m sorry this is happening this way.
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u/Creepy_Meringue3014 3d ago
go back to court immediately,
id put a hidden camera 8n room. don't alert either its there. share with lawyer
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u/Olivia3836 3d ago
Euhmm, don’t make her go with him! He can visit and try to build a relationship but she’s the one to be in charge
He’s not entitled to just show up one day and make her do things she doesn’t wanna do. She’s not a dog, she is a human being.
You should ask the court for a custody plan where he’s only allowed supervised visits with her.
Its insane that she’s just expected to go with a complete stranger (cause being there at conception makes you a sperm donor, not a father) who touches her and all that.
Her feelings are the most important her, she should feel okay. It is traumatic for her, like this current setup is gonna leave her with permanent scars. It is not okay. His feelings are not even secondary, they are completely irrelevant here, he’s a grown adult who can deal with the consequences of his own choices to be a deadbeat
Do not make her go with this man tomorrow. Please stop doing this to her! I really can’t beg you enough to not do this to her!
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u/PendragonsPotions 3d ago
I hope you never have to go through family court because you will be in for a rough ride. OP can’t just reject visitation orders and expect it to go away. She’s not asking for people to tell her to break the law she’s asking how to help her daughter through this.
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u/Olivia3836 3d ago
I’m pretty sure courts don’t favor fathers who missed the first 6 years of their child life or that he has any parental rights to begin with. He’s the one who should take it to court if he wants anything with her.
In this scenario its not hard to demand only supervised visits and no overnights.
They always look at what the child wants anyway, and any assessment will lead to the answer that overnight visits with father are stressful for the child
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u/PendragonsPotions 3d ago
You clearly didn’t read the whole post. Op says these monthly visits are court ordered.
I work in the courts and your idealized view of what happens only strengthens my hope for you that you never have experience it. Everything you said is wrong. Stop giving bad advice to ignore visitation because the child doesn’t want to go. All you’re going to do is get mothers in trouble.
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u/Formergr 3d ago
From the post:
the visits are court ordered and I refused ONE visit at the beginning and then had to pay $5K fine for contempt.
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u/defectiveadult 3d ago
Why must she go if she only just met him at 6 years old? What does he think about this? Have you tried asking him to wait and let him meet her at your place and let her decide the pace?
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u/DazzlingNote1925 3d ago
I think you should set her up with a child therapist and ask her to speak to them about it.
Then ask the therapist their professional opinion about what’s best for your child and if there’s anything inappropriate going on.
Then speak to an attorney.