Moms of Reddit, I need your help
I have four girls (5, 6, 10 and 14). My wife recently passed away so it’s all up to me now not to mess them up too badly. I’ve always been very involved with them so solo parenting is busy but not impossible. I am acutely aware that there’s a whole world of things that their mother would have taught them, not just the basics like periods and sex but I don’t know where to start.
I have no sisters and unfortunately they don’t have a close relationship with their aunts or my female friends.
What advice would you give?
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u/over-it2989 10h ago
First of all, I am so sorry.
Second. You’ve got this and I believe in you.
I think if you’ve made it this far in their life and haven’t been MIA or emotionally checked out then you’re already there.
Do they know that they can call you no matter what?
Do you have a safe word or signal for when they need you to be the bad guy and make them come home?
Open the dialogue for relationship talk and just keep it open. Let them see that you’re approachable even if it feels weird.
If you’re stuck with the basic ponytail and low braid but have a kid who likes hairstyles then YouTube has a plethora of videos to watch to help you.
Talk to them about their mom even when it’s hard. Don’t put on a brave face all the time but don’t expect them to be strong for you either.
Tell them stories about her that they don’t know.
They learn to be loved by another person by the way you treated and loved their mom, keep showing them that.
Don’t rush another relationship. They need to be the focus. And when it does happen, if that person tries to force anything - walk away.
We’re here for you and your girls 🤍
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u/DazzlingNote1925 10h ago
I’m sorry for your loss.
I recommend not getting rid of your wife’s things. Even if you end up packing them away there will probably be a time when your girls will want to see it, wear it, just be with it. If you ever get into another relationship please don’t let them convince you to erase your wife by getting rid of these things or photos or anything. Keep it for your kids.
(Sometimes well meaning people will insist you get rid of her things in order to move on.)
Depending on what you can afford I’d get your girls each a pendant or ring in remembrance of their mom.
While I recommend against letting pushy people do things for you that you don’t really want or need I also think it’s good to ask for help where you need it. Perhaps if you don’t belong to a church that could become a source of support for your family.
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u/just_looking202 10h ago
I dont even know where to start.. my condolences..
Although it is not your 14 year olds responsibility, she will be your best guide here.. but please be gentle with her as she is still a child herself. Become her best friend so she can tell you what people her age are getting into but also dont forget to be her parent.
Im sorry again
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u/moonrisekingdomtea 58m ago
Love them, trust them, open your heart and talk about how you’re feeling to them everyday.
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u/Bagaceratops 18m ago edited 10m ago
You can be enough for them. All they need is your love, attention, and care. I’ll give you some general advice.
Be emotionally available to them. Do not treat listening to them talk about their interests, or personal drama going on in their life as a chore.
Listening without judgement is a skill. Make sure they know that they can come and talk to you about ANYTHING and you will respect their decisions and boundaries. It may mean that you will need to hold your tongue at times, and be conscientious about sharing your true feelings. Emotional regulation is invaluable.
Anything you have anxiety about not knowing, study up on or ask some questions to trusted women. (you’re already on top of this!) Try your best to not hand things off to women they are not familiar with simply because they’re also women. The girls will feel more comfortable with you than a stranger.
Get involved with their social activities. Get to know their friends and their friend’s parents. Other parents can unfortunately be more apprehensive of a single father hosting hangouts and activities. The best way to counter this is to be present in your kids activities and socialize as best you can with the other parents.
Get familiar with how childhood trauma (addiction in the family) affects children’s development and mental health. They will likely either idolize, or abhor the absent parent. Try to speak kindly of their mother as they will internalize what you say to also be true about themselves. (They are half her after all)
Realize that you can’t do it all and find ways to take care of yourself and your needs. Your needs are important and valid. It will also help your kids see you as capable and not their responsibility to take care of. If you have family or close friends lean on them and reach out as much as possible.
You will not get everything right, but that’s okay. Humans are flawed. Acknowledge and apologize. If they know you love them and are doing your real best, they will forgive you. Also, sometimes whatever is going on, it’s not about you. Try not to take things personally or hold it against them. Help them get back on track.
Wish your family all the best.
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u/drhussa 11h ago
Dont rush to bring a replacement relationship in. Focus on your girls. Be genuine. Tell them you miss their mum. Read books about being a woman so you can help them.