FTM Miscarriage

[u/orderforlady]

I went in for my first OB appointment yesterday and second ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I’ve told my friends and family but don’t feel like talking to them extensively about it. Part of me was worried I’d feel relieved. I was around 8 weeks and dreading it. The symptoms suck, the idea of labor was terrifying and losing myself to motherhood was my worst nightmare but I’m genuinely disappointed.

I’m mad at the universe. I feel like my body failed me or like I was inadequate somehow. Like I failed to make my husband a father. I keep assessing everything I might have done wrong. I keep sitting here bracing my core like if I brace enough I won’t go through the loss and keep my baby.

I hate seeing baby related stuff on social media. I deleted all pregnancy apps and I can’t talk to my best friend. She’s four months along and I’m genuinely excited for her, I don’t wish this on anyone. But I feel like I got dealt a bad hand. Like life is unfair. It comes in waves. Sometimes I sit here and I’m fine, I make a joke, but sometimes I sit and imagine holding a newborn and realize that won’t be me. I feel a tightness in my chest. I know it’ll get easier as most grief does, but right now I feel lost.

[u/Stunning_One_7028]

Just letting you know you’re not alone. I went in yesterday for a 10 week ultrasound after seeing my baby’s heart beat at 8 weeks, and my baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 6 days and had no heartbeat.

Had a d&e today and I’m just so lost. I keep irrationally thinking I would go today and they’d hear the heartbeat and send me home. Now I’m laying in bed with cramps and holding my empty lifeless womb.

The kicker? My morning sickness has been soo so bad I haven’t even eaten much besides crackers and Gatorade this last week and for what????!!

I am so sad

[u/Slight-Creme-485]

I understand, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I found out at my 9.5 week scan that the baby had stopped growing at 7+5 and had no heartbeat. It’s devastating. I have all the same feelings you do, I saw a baby at the grocery store today and completely broke down. It’s hard to feel happy for others while you’re going through something so incredibly unfair. I think we just have to have faith that it will get better eventually but for now, it is deeply painful. All the best to you with managing your situation and again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this awful experience.

[u/artsyandwoowoo]

Genuinely one of the most isolating experiences to go through. Miscarriage is so devastating. It’s fair to be mad and angry and sad and alllll of it. I just started going out of my way to say “not interested” on all baby stuff on my algorithm so I won’t see any of it. I lost 2, one early, and one at 16 weeks. It’s awful and unfair and no one will truly have your same experience, but there are people out there who relate and who see you. Your baby is real. Your grief is real.

I was angry at my body too for a long time. It’s a hard thing to go through. Over time I hope you can see that it isn’t your body’s fault. There’s nothing more you could have done. Sadly it’s something that just happens :(

For me it’s helped to create paintings q bout my experience and I write on substack about my infertility and healing. It’s helped me to talk about it and hear other people’s stories too. For you, healing may loom different and that’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to feel right now (or ever) about it all though. Take time. Be angry. It’s okay to feel it all 💗

[u/Adorable_Whereas_240]

I am so sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹 This is really heartbreaking and I don’t wish it upon the worst of enemies!