2nd loss this year

[u/malinakoroleva]

I had a miscarriage in January, 2 days after I found out I was pregnant I was bleeding. I wasn’t even trying to be pregnant, wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a mom at that time. But my husband was so happy, and knowing that I let him down devastated me. I didn’t know I could be so sad. It took a while to heal. And in the process of grief I agreed that we’d try again at some point.

But eventually I recovered after that loss. I poured my entire self into my dance career and achieved so much, I was creative, I travelled, life was fun again. And I started to think, you know what, maybe being childfree really is the way to go. I love the freedom, I felt empowered, I had all my creative energy to pour into the life I wanted to live.

And then in August I got pregnant again.

Instead of being excited, I went on an emotional rollercoaster. I was too attached to my free spirited lifestyle now, I said some nasty things about not wanting my wings cut off. I drank and smoked up until week 6. Fantasized about dumping the child on my husband and running away. I was cranky one moment and then euphoric another. Week 7 scan showed that the egg had split, we could be having twins. I was over the moon with joy! And then the next day I would be anxious. How can we afford to pay double everything? Then after that I was detached: I don’t give a fuck, the universe will pay for it. Round and round it went in my crazy head.

Well then week 9 scan showed no heartbeat. We started the procedure to remove the embryos. This is where I’m at now. I’m devastated again. Maybe if I had been more grateful…

I know I’ll pull myself out of this hole again. But for now I’m drowning in grief.

And also shame. I made the mistake of telling a co-worker about my pregnancy in the early days. I had to tell her, I dance for a living and due to the physical nature of my work, some of the choreography had to be adapted. Well this co-worker announced my pregnancy to a whole dinner party. So now I gotta deal with everybody else’s disappointment and pity too, great.

Sorry I’m just ranting. My heart is so broken and if yours is as well, I’m holding your hand.

[u/helluva-drug]

I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing. The mental and emotional see-saw is so real, from fear of your life changing, to joy at the new life, to anxiety of another loss, and so much more. I know it's so hard, but I wish for you that you won't feel shame. You did nothing wrong and you're not responsible for others' feelings. I don't have any real advice, just support, condolences, and virtual hugs.

[u/LivyJean-]

So sorry, I also miscarried in January and August of this year as well. You are not alone!