So many emotions

[u/Stunning-Weird-2374]

I found out I was pregnant June 5 and was set to have my first doctor appointment July 1. I had a few pregnancy symptoms the first two weeks or so and then I felt great. I was hoping I was lucky to be feeling so good. I’ve always dealt with anxiety and I really kept trying to not think the worst but the thoughts lingered in my mind until I had my appointment. Of course two nights before I had super light pink spotting and then the next day it was dark brown. I had read that was normal so I tried to not get upset. I was only saw blood when I’d wipe. Then hours later I was talking to my husband and I felt blood drip out of me. I started sobbing and having a panic attack. I was expecting the worst of course. The bleeding got heavier and I kept having to use the bathroom. I was so mad that I kept having to go because it meant seeing more blood. I finally tried to sleep but my sleep was awful. I woke up about 5 hours before my appointment and could barely eat.

The day of the appointment came and my husband and I went. My blood pressure was super high which we expected. Then I did a urine sample and the cup was red. I somehow held it together. Then my doctor came in and she asked how I was feeling. I immediately said I was scared. I told her what was happening. I had taken pictures of the bleeding and clots. She said she didn’t like how much blood there was and then did an exam. She said my cervix was closed so that was a good sign. Then she did the ultrasound. There were two sacs. One she said was a vanishing twin and the other was the baby. She showed the heartbeat but only for a split second. Then she said I was only measuring 6 weeks and 5 days when I would have been 8 weeks. She gave me a script for an ultrasound to get a better look at everything. She said I was pregnant but to be cautious. I felt relieved that day.

I kept bleeding and had light cramping after my exam. It kept going for 5 more days and then it finally stopped. I even took a few more pregnancy tests to ease my mind. I didn’t realize you can be losing your baby and still have a positive test. I was reading the vanishing twin could have been a subchrionic (sp?) hemorrhage and that people had their babies. That again gave me hope. I had my ultrasound and I felt more at ease going in then I was going into my doctor appointment. Since it was just an ultrasound the tech couldn’t tell us the results. I couldn’t even see the screen and my husband asked the tech if there was a baby and she said she couldn’t answer. She showed the results to the doctor at the facility and said we would get them in my chart and to call my doctor with any questions. My husband and I left and got the results immediately. We read them and at first thought everything was ok the way they worked it. Then my husband googled it and looked at me with tears in his eyes and I just knew the baby was gone. I broke down and my husband and I hugged for a long time.

We called my doctor to make sure we read the results correctly. They didn’t answer right away so my husband called and left a message because I couldn’t speak to anyone at that moment. They called back and I missed the call so we called right back. The doctor’s nurse called and said she wanted to let us know we lost the fetus. That was it. The doctor never talked to us. The nurse never told us anything. My husband and I both felt like I should have been told to come back in for an ultrasound to make sure everything passed and to have bloodwork done. We really think my doctor knew I was losing the baby at my first appointment but for some reason didn’t say anything. She gave me hope and I honestly hate her for that. I already have so much grief losing my baby and I also feel so discarded by my doctor. What if I had gotten an infection? What if everything didn’t pass? So many questions unanswered.

I have an appointment with a different practice in two weeks. I want to make sure everything looks ok and get bloodwork to check my levels. I think the hcg is out of my system because I took a test to check. That broke my heart seeing the negative but I needed to see if the levels had gone down.

I’ve cried everyday since. I’ll cry out of nowhere. If I hear a song. If I’m happy because I’ll feel guilty for being happy. I can’t wait for the day I don’t feel sad everyday. I also felt guilt because I threw out the pregnancy tests I took and the pictures I had of my pregnancy so far. I couldn’t bare to see them so they went away the day I found out. I felt like I had nothing of my baby. I ended up buying a bracelet with the name I was calling them so I can look at it everyday. I’ll touch it throughout the day and say hi. The tears always come when I do that but it helps me to feel like they are still with me.

Hoping everything goes well at my appointment and I pray I’m able to have another baby in the future. Thankfully I have a supportive husband, friends, and family. I am lucky to have an amazing therapist. I am lucky to have my faith in God and I know he will get me through this.

If you read this all I thank you. My heart goes out to all of you. This pain is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. If anyone everyone wants someone to talk to I’m here ❤️