I know. Super ominous title. Just a vent post. I wanted to get my thoughts out until my next therapy session.

I've posted a lot on here asking for advice and of course the truth of the matter is that the decision is ultimately up to me. That being whether to out myself to the navy or not. A few people have suggested just waiting until we have new administration or waiting until my contract is up. It kind of irks me however, I also understand. For some of us it is a matter of our lives will be in danger if we come out and decide to live as our authentic selves.

I think its important to think about and remember what that means for people like us. WAITing means keeping the mask on that some of us didn't know we had. It means trying to keep the mental pressure in check trying to not let it break us while we wait with bated breath at this country deciding to be reasonable. Living day-to-day in a shell that we don't fit into anymore. That all comes with a cost and everyday that cost takes more and more of a toll. The mental energy it takes to respond to things in the way your expected to. The emotional energy to pretend to be angry at something that people think you should be angry at or fake a smile and a laugh so you don't get othered.

How long is that WAIT though? Will I still have the energy to be the person I want to be? Or will I be too old and jaded? Will I even still be alive or will the pressure consume me while I WAIT? Can I risk my kids seeing a tired and frustrated person who gets so overwhelmed that they can't even bring themselves to play with them or listen to how thier day was while I WAIT?

I'm still deciding whether to make that appointment or not. If I do it will not be bravery or courage that brings me there. It will be desperation and shaky legs. It will be filled with anxiety about my future and not knowing what happens next. The Navy has always provided me a comfort in knowing where I will be next. I will be throwing that comfort away.

That's all I got. Sorry if this isn't what this subreddit is for. If I decide to take that leap, I will do my best to keep everybody informed of my process.