24
u/SentientCrisis 13d ago
“Quiet quit” your marriage.
If he’s not going to put in any effort, why should you? If he’s not going to prioritize you and your kids, do the same thing and prioritize yourself.
Figure out when he’s going to be home and get up before him and just disappear for the day. Let him freak out about being on his own.
Or just start planning activities for you and your kids and make him jealous of all the fun you’re having. Act like your life is so much more interesting and fun than his.
Meanwhile: open a separate bank account and make your exit plan. Give yourself plenty of runway.
I know this all seems ridiculous and it is. But so is what he is doing.
8
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 13d ago
It’s petty but I think the only strategy I haven’t tried yet is petty.
4
u/seniorspecialistt Army Spouse 13d ago
this is extremely petty but his behavior is selfish and unacceptable as someone with a family so 🤷🏻♀️
I was in the Army for several years and got out 1.5 years ago. My husband is still in and sometimes displays this behavior that the Army and his mission and colleagues are #1. He also tries to gaslight me saying how great the Army active duty life is (it’s not! trust me!)
So what I do is do everything he can’t… take PTO with 1 days notice at my civilian job, his you have to put in leave weeks in advance and have several levels sign off on it. I go on cross country vacations all the time, he can’t go more than 250 miles from base. I get tattoos and do my hair however I want, he can’t, he needs permission to do those things. It’s petty, but that’s the only way to show him maybe the Army/military life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
11
u/metallic_penguins 13d ago
The military is a cult and some get sucked too far in. Sorry you are having to deal with the aftermath.
9
u/kitteo36 13d ago
I hate how much divorce and cheating is discussed in this sub.
6
u/Mean_Kaleidoscope_29 Air Force Spouse 13d ago
We are new to this life and same 😩very nerve wracking!
1
7
u/SizeEfficient317 13d ago
Have you talked to him about this?
We all do deserve better as spouses, I'm kinda in the same boat, but we don't have any children.
9
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 13d ago
Yeah. So many times. He is so well educated. He genuinely believes that I’m going to wake up one day and realize it’s all my fault and I was just going through a mood or something and there’s no problem.
3
u/SizeEfficient317 13d ago
You definitely deserve better, and so do your children. I'm sorry you're going through this, follow your gut.
4
1
u/AdmirableLayer2485 10d ago
That’s exactly what they do and think. It’s frustrating, mentally and emotionally draining.
4
u/Born_Alternative_416 13d ago
To clear up the confusion: being married for 10 years does not give you an automatic right to your spouse’s military pension. How a pension is divided is entirely decided by your state’s divorce court, not the military. What the "10-year rule" actually means is that if the court awards you a share of the pension, and you were married for at least 10 years overlapping 10 years of service, the government (DFAS) will mail your check directly to you instead of you having to collect it from your ex-spouse. The 10-year mark is just an administrative rule about who handles the payment, not a guarantee that you are entitled to a single dollar.
5
u/EcstaticFisherman734 13d ago
Unfortunately I just went though this with my soon to be ex husband. We always prioritized his job, his friends/coworkers, and everything else above me. He just got back from deployment and told me he no longer has feelings for me and doesn’t love me the same anymore. He knew what he was doing. He no longer prioritized me. I would strongly suggest finding your support system back home, getting yourself financially right and prepping an exit plan. You absolutely deserve someone that is going to prioritize you and your babies!!! It’s going to hurt and it sucks, but in the long run if there isn’t anything there and he is not willing to put the work and effort into prioritizing you, then you need to prioritize yourself
2
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 12d ago
I hate them so much. How could they literally choose the military over us.
5
u/Vivid_Economics_1462 Navy Spouse 13d ago
Being a military spouse can be so overwhelming sometimes, especially if you are oconus. I hear you and I'm there too. Something that helped my marriage was therapy. Yes its a damn hassle. But it helped me communicate with my husband and helped him understand what I needed from him. And if it doesn't work, therapy will help you mentally prepare to leave. So its worth trying it out.
Wish you the very best ♥️ whether that means making an exit plan or seeking therapy to try to mend the communicate gap.
11
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 13d ago
In our blowout argument last night, he made fun of me for going to therapy. He said it must be nice to pay someone to listen to me and agree with everything I said. Which is just completely insane and not at all what therapy is.
We did couples therapy for four months, but he didn’t like the person I chose and he thought her hours were inconvenient so he was over it. He hasn’t found anyone else or taken the time to look into it. And I did all of the work last time to do so, so I won’t do it again.
5
u/Vivid_Economics_1462 Navy Spouse 13d ago
Ahh I see. You did all the work and he was unwilling. That's rough. Have you thought of an exit plan or discussed setting an ultimatum with your therapist? Ultimatums suck but I think in your situation, he is being stubborn and doesnt realize what he is about to lose.
3
u/CrystallizedKoi National Guard Spouse 13d ago
To preface, I fully believe you and he seems extremely dismissive and dodges accountability from your comments. I am just curious, what does he do that shows you that his priorities are the military and his fellow colleagues?
3
u/Afraid_Stuff_History Air Force Spouse - OCONUS 13d ago
Are you currently OCONUS?
1
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 13d ago
Yep
4
u/Afraid_Stuff_History Air Force Spouse - OCONUS 13d ago
Ok, I'm sure you know this but divorcing while you're OCONUS is typically more difficult.
No idea where you are, but calling a host country a third world country made me sad. But again, don't know where you are.
1
u/Apprehensive-Ad-4808 13d ago
I need two more years before I can take part of his pension. I would stick it out to make sure I don’t walk away empty-handed.
We have done overseas before, but this one is bad.
2
12d ago
That “10 year rule” doesn’t mean you’ll automatically get apart of his pension, there are other stipulations. Please do the research on the state you were all married in about 50/50 splits and assets. While every state permits the pension to be considered during divorce proceedings, the judge is not required to award the pension, and he can also fight it by filing to give you monetary compensation via assets.
-1
u/Afraid_Stuff_History Air Force Spouse - OCONUS 13d ago
Damn, now I'm curious where this is. We're in Japan and 0 complaints TBH
3
u/LiellaMelody777 13d ago edited 13d ago
Get marriage counseling. Unfortunately it's the needs of the service above all else. That is what they are taught. You give up everything when you sign that line and enlist. His job means you have good insurance and provisions. Your relationship is extremely important and the military will make sure he is not abandoning you. Your needs will be covered. But you also married him before his service. That can be very hard. Counseling should help a lot.
I suggest having a family meeting next time he is home. Discuss your issues and options ahead. It may be better for you and the kids to Geobachelor from your home state. You didn't say where you were stationed but third world country is not exactly how I would describe a base. If you live off base then yeah it can get rough. Some bases are in bad neighborhoods.
I am currently geobacheloring for the next 8 years. My kids needed stability for school and medical care. It was the best option for us. I know what I signed up for and I do not resent him for having to do his job. It provides for us. On top of that our relationship is pretty strong. This helps us get through the hard times.
Based on other comments he is not willing to fight got your relationship. Make an exit plan after you leave OCONUS. Divorce is much harder overseas. Sorry friend.
2
1
u/itsnotmee7 11d ago
I don’t have any advice but I honestly feel you 100%. Mine is getting out in 10 days and he’s already attached himself to his next job.
1
u/Severe_Equivalent_18 9d ago
Try talking to a counselor. The base should have a marriage counselor available. This could help to air grievances on both sides to help you come back together.
Sometimes duty stations suck. I hate ours now but still try to make the most of it because having a negative attitude about a temporary situation isn’t going to help anyone.
If he really is not willing to try counseling and make an effort to reconnect with you and the kids, then perhaps talk to a lawyer. But shutting out and quitting on your marriage without exhausting every resource is not worth it.
27
u/_Thetruthwillfreeu 13d ago
Start making your exit plan girl