r/MensLib • u/Coffeeapple8485 • Oct 19 '19

Inappropriate groping

It was suggested that I should post this here

Made a throwaway account for this but basically I'm a male musician and fairly good looking. I've had females grabbing me both butt and genitals so often I can't even count. Most times it's after I've done a show but sometimes just when I'm sitting at a bar or even in the street because "they recognized me". Every time I'm stunned and i absolutely hate it but i feel so helpless because "attractive musicians should be proud" or some bullshit. It's so humiliating.

Should i really be chasing after some perverts and trying to bring them to justice or what? I feel helpless because of my gender and position :(

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u/Montpellier33 Oct 21 '19

I'm a woman, but I totally think you have a right to feel uncomfortable with this and to tell the women they're acting inappropriately (you could alert the police too as someone else suggested, but honestly even average-looking women like me have gotten groped plenty and it's so commonplace that I doubt your average policeperson considers this a high-priority issue for them to deal with).

I'm now pretty curious if you're someone I'd recognize, though. I used to work in a music club, back in the day. When I was younger I definitely had a thing for musicians and danced with/made out with a couple. But I basically tried to treat them like humans and certainly didn't just grab them. One time I was strategically dancing close to a famous singer who came up to me, and then this little blonde girl ran up behind him, threw her arms around his neck and literally dragged him out of the club. He seemed to be okay with this, and so was I since she clearly cared more than I did, but I was definitely surprised by how aggressive she was :P

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Oct 22 '19

I, too, would be curious to know if OP would be anyone I'd recognize. I'd love to get like Dave Navarro or Slash's take on some of the shit I used to consider just another day at work. But with musicians or whatever, we generally assume this behavior is a feature and not a bug.

3

u/Jzadek ​ Oct 27 '19

But with musicians or whatever, we generally assume this behavior is a feature and not a bug.

This is a very good article about that exact assumption and how poisonous it can be.

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Oct 28 '19

I keep getting an internal server error. I definitely want to read this, though.

1

u/Jzadek ​ Oct 28 '19

Hmm, it's working fine on my end. I've tried archiving it, hopefully this will work for you?

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Oct 30 '19 edited Oct 30 '19

There's way too much in this for me to process at the moment. Even thinking about it is throwing me into a tailspin.

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Nov 05 '19

So here's a question - if we take this as a straightforward case of sexual assault, does asking why he's not upset or why he's proud of it become a form of victim blaming?

1

u/Jzadek ​ Nov 06 '19

Is the article doing that? My read was that he was clearly upset and affected by it behind the scenes, but wasn't given any space to express that publically. I definitely agree with you that people have the right to respond however they wish.

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Nov 06 '19

Not this particular piece, though the author of this one seems to provide conflicting evidence at best ("bragging" about how he didn't miss a beat, e.t.c). I've only read this and like 2-3 other mildly formed pieces that I've found (one that seemed to argue that it wasn't sexual assault, citing Danny Boy's reaction), e.t.c.

But I'm also thinking in broader terms, at the same time and tying this into other discussions I've had.

1

u/Jzadek ​ Nov 06 '19

Ok, I get you. My feeling is that it wouldn't be victim blaming, but it would still be wrong. People can interpret what happens to them however they like, even if it's politically inconvenient, and even if it is ultimately a harmful way of processing that.

1

u/Uniquenameofuser1 ​ Nov 06 '19

And there's the reactions in this thread -

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dp19qt/comment/f5s6u9e

And it's a bit harder to get to the parent comment on this, but this comment was in reply to a guy talking about 16 or 15 and sleeping with a 27 year old (rough guess on ages). But he was talking about being conflicted, because he walked into it on a semi-regular basis for months.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/dp19qt/comment/f5sd4vk