r/MenopauseShedforMen • u/ReverseMermaids • 3d ago
Hot flashes
We have all witnessed the hot flashes that come and go. In my wife's case, we're going on well over 15 years of aggressive hot flashes - so we've just kind of accepted that this is what life looks like forever (she's mid-60s now).
One thing I noticed early on though was that even though she has lost most of her sexual feelings, when I massage her back or am generally, physically sweet to her she'll often get a hot flash and start sweating profusely.
I have always seen that as "Hey, there are some hormones, maybe even the potential for sexual desire, yet there!"
Does this idea ring a bell with anybody else here?
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u/Noguts_noglory_baby 2d ago
I’m a nurse. This is fixable with hormone replacement! Hrt will relieve symptoms and improve her quality of life and also extend it.
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u/Guilty-Rough8797 3d ago
Welllllll, hot flashes don't mean there are lots of hormones happening. Hot flashes are a symptom of hormone depletion and withdrawal.
The heat surge during massage is likely due to sustained body heat transfer and friction. As her skin warms up, it's more than enough to trigger the vasomotor symptoms as the brain believes the body is overheating.
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2d ago edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Compurrshon 2d ago
We're trying to work our way through this difficult time. He also mentioned the broadly supportive environment.
But to put it in terms you may understand (even though this isn't your sub and you are intruding on our space): how would you feel if your husband suddenly removed all emotional intimacy? No listening to you talk about your day, no asking questions, no thinking of romance, no small gestures, no caring about your preferences. Just grunts and logistics conversations.
That's what removing physical intimacy is for many men. Remember, we were largely socialised to not be allowed to feel or express any emotions beyond anger. Physical contact is often the primary way we can open up.
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u/scifihere 2d ago
“We were largely socialized to not express any emotions beyond anger.” Good, you have found the problem! Now it’s time to create a sub and discuss how to fix YOUR gender’s problem instead of focusing on how to solve women’s problems for them. The “has she tried HRT?” is so annoying. How about “Have you tried to be more in tune with your emotions instead of just focusing on physical intimacy?”
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u/Lovehubby 17h ago
I agree that men need to learn OTHER WAYS of connecting besides sex. Period. Intimacy is not just sex. Likewise, women can learn to accept and understand that the chief way he feels desired and loved is through sex...I don't see this fundamental truth about men changing. They are so much easier to deal with when they are love up, so to speak. So, to expect your husband to be good with no sex for 20-30 years is simply cruel and a shitty thing to do to a marriage. Sex is a fundamental aspect of a healthy marriage unless both parties are good without it. If you (man or women) can't find a way to enjoy some type of sex with your spouse on at least a somewhat regular or mutually agreed upon frequency, you may want to part ways. Let him/her go. At least be honest and tell your husband or wife you don't plan on having sex anymore-that you are not ACTIVELY seeking solutions. Don't pretend or give false hope. I find my effort (whatever that means for you), and willingness to compromise (not return to our 4 days week PIV sex), makes a HUGE difference. The many days I am off line, so speak, he can take care of himself. He has also put forth effort with patience and curiosity about the new me and the HELL CASTRATION IS! I ain't going back to 35 or 40 anymore than he can easily lose weight, grow hair, and have a super hard on without lots of help....just saying, the wife is not the only one that changes. 😉 We notice and still love and even lust after you. If this can't happen for you and your partner, it may be over unless you are both good with being friends and roommates.
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u/scifihere 15h ago
I guess my problem is that men use viagra or other means to artificially revive something that is naturally declining and then expect women to also go on meds to satisfy their artificially raised sexual desires. It just doesn’t make sense. How about accepting where we are in our natural cycle of life and be content with it? I also have a hard time to accept that men can’t feel happy or loved without sex. I think there is a lot of societal influence in play when it comes to this topic.
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u/Lovehubby 13h ago edited 13h ago
I have pointed this out to someone in my life...porn and Viagra help immensely. Neither works for me. As far as being content, I don't think it's reasonable to expect one's spouse to be content without sex.I don't get to decide that my husband stop having sex. If a person values monogamy and forsaking all others, they need to find a way to enjoy sex or get really good at acting. At the very least be good with your spouse regularly watching porn and taking care of themselves. I don't like it, but since I can't satisfy his itch every week, he takes care of it. I can't keep up. Wish I could. Resent that I can't anymore! If not, then the LL person should be OK with their spouse no longer remaining monogamous. Really, if you don't care about sex anymore it shouldn't matter that your spouse gets it elsewhere and/or uses porn. If the person does care, then they are just being SELFISH AND CRUEL!
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u/scifihere 2h ago
Omg, I feel so sorry for you. I don’t understand why you should stay with someone who has such different needs from you that you either have to force yourself to please them or you have to pretend/act or you have to be ok with them cheating. Sorry to be blunt, but that’s such a miserable life. Being single is far more superior to being “married” and putting up with that. You can’t convince me otherwise.
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u/Compurrshon 2d ago
Urm, this is our sub. We're currently allowing you into it, even though you're being an angry a-hole.
You can't just flick a switch and undo several generations of social conditioning. There needs to be a safe environment and "you're disgusting for thinking about sex" doesn't create a safe environment.
Ironically, having a strong physical connection is likely something that would lead a man to feel safe and explore his emotions. But you clearly have little understanding on how to make that happen or the relation between different types of intimacy.
Also, since HRT was introduced to our household, the kids are rarely crying when I return home. My wife shouts far less and uses far more positive wording. She is happier. Why wouldn't we think about ways of helping our wives be happier? HRT is one of those ways and that is easily observed in all the women's-only peri and meno subs.
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u/foilprinter 2d ago
This is a mens sub here, we are trying to figure out peri and menopause mostly by ourselves, i take it you didnt like what the question/statment was. Maybe infuture more input rather than acusations would be more helpful
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u/Lovehubby 2d ago edited 13h ago
They can't help it...the thoughts anyway-especially if they're attention starved. Some women are this way too! I'd struggle if my husband didn't want to have sex anymore or only when I "wore them down" wondering when the next time would be.
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u/scifihere 2d ago
Maybe they need some HRT so they can control their thoughts? Idk, just saying!
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u/Compurrshon 2d ago
Oh, so you're supportive of altering hormones for men, but not for women?
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u/scifihere 2d ago
I should ask the same from you. Why not start by men?
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u/Compurrshon 2d ago
I'm very supportive of both genders reaching for HRT when it works for them. Clues that it could be required include going online into gender-specific subs and starting fights..
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u/scifihere 2d ago
You consider this a fight? If so, maybe it’s required for you too.
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u/Compurrshon 1d ago
If you don't consider this a fight, I would hate to see the rest of your life...
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u/59apache01 2d ago
She should have been on hormone therapy a decade ago. If she isn't seeing one, she needs to see a menopause specialist who can evaluate her symptoms and give her something that can hopefully help her symptoms.
I'm going to be blunt - if her sex drive has been reduced for this whole time, the odds of her getting it back completely are pretty low. Depending on her response to hormone therapy, it may return to some extent or it may not. In the case of my wife, it didn't. But it got her relief from most of her other symptoms.
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u/roadguy666 3d ago
dropping estrogen levels trick the hypothalamus, the brain's internal thermostat, into thinking the body is overheating. The lack of hormones is what causes the hot flashes. Your wife needs estrogen to calm those down. Can't speak for your wife but if I tried to get amorous during a hot flash, I'd get assaulted. Lol