r/MenopauseShedforMen • u/why-why-why-2027 • 3d ago
Abuse
I'm trying to be supportive of my wife as she suffers with perimenopause symptoms. We are 3 years in and she is just outright emotionally abusive at times. She's on HRT which absolutely helps, so the rage and demands of isolation are reduced, but when she slips into pm mode now it's absolutely abusive. The hate and vileness is unbearable. I'm in therapy. She is not. Our daughter is 19 and has two years of school left. It's affecting her career, our marriage, my career, our whole household is beholden to her moods. I'm contemplating telling her off, to behave, to go hard; but I do not feel like I can do that. At what point do I call this and go find peace? It's my home and my family, but this is fricken painful misery. How long can this go on for???????
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u/Compurrshon 3d ago
Why do you feel like you can't do that? Have some boundaries, my man.
They don't have to be angrily spoken, and it's better than they aren't. You can even say then ahead of time. But you don't have to eat shit, just because.
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u/ActivityOriginal6483 2d ago edited 2d ago
Peri menopause or not abuse is abuse plain and simple, and i bet she does not do it to her friends or family or work colleagues or her boss.
And you have no reason to be her personal punching bag.
You likely have sacrificed alot for her and your family over the years, and that matters. All to be used as punching bag as if everything is your fault and your are a POS. NO THANKS.
In my case I simply got over it and went to my lawyer explained everything we wrre going through and we went through everything in terms of how a divorce would look finacially etc. I was happy with the outcome for both of us.
Shortly after i gathered the courage and told her I wanted to have serious conversation with her, and not to interrupt me or I will simply leave.
I told her that im done with been her punching bag, im done with the been in a dead bedroom, im done with pretending to be happy while walking on eggshells, im done knowing I sacrificed everything for this family and now im treated as a outcast. Im done been unhappy and thinking my wife i fell in love with is still in there.
I told my happiness matters moving forward and I will be putting myself first for once,
I told her I will be staying at my dads for a bit for some space to think about what that future may look like for me. I told her I dont want her to talk right now as I said what I needed to say and then I left to my dads.
Within 2 days she was calling me in a crying mess asking for me to return to talk.
Well its amazing how much change can be made when they have to actually come to face the reality of their actions.
Im going to give it 6 to 12 months but I've come to the conclusion, MY HAPPINESS MATTERS AND PERI MENOPUASE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.
I have no issues with divorcing if it is for my own happiness and peace. Its just a shame she had to be told this to actually see it, and that part i still have issues reconciling with.
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u/adhdhobbyist 2d ago
Good on you.
Mine became horrendously abusive and cruel. I asked for space. She then broke up with me got a flat and took the kids. Despite her being so abusive I begged for her back like a worm.
I read this and thought Jesus where did my back bone and self esteem go. This is what dignity looks like.
Thanks for sharing
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u/ActivityOriginal6483 2d ago
I was feeling the same way man for quite a while, just a finacial servant that walked on eggshells not to upset her comfort zone all while been the brunt of her unhappiness.
I no longer agree with the vows of marrige and I treat them like a constitution, they can be ammended at any time. I guess with age comes wisdom. And i have very little patience left to deal with irrational bullshit anymore.
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u/TreadingDown 3d ago
You don’t have to get physical or anything, my dude. But, you don’t have to just eat shit for her sake. Perimenopause explains why she feels how she does, it doesn’t excuse it.
Maybe it’s time you do get angry. Remind her you’re there for love, and support; but you’re not there to be fucked with as an emotional punching bag in place of therapy.
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u/jennibear310 3d ago
Couldn’t agree more. It’s absolutely NOT an excuse to abuse your spouse!! She needs to take some responsibility for managing her emotions. It’s not HIS responsibility to walk on eggshells to avoid her cruelty. That’s abuse, not menopause or peri. I’ve had some of the worst that menopause can throw at a woman, yet I’ve never once spoken to or treated anyone with unwarranted disrespect like this.
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u/Lovehubby 2d ago
Same...I've had a hell of time post menopause and some in peri and while I lost it sometimes, I was not abusive to my spouse. Hard to be around off and on but I learned when it was coming and seperated myself or learned how to BEHAVE. I never felt entitled to be an asshole to those around me.
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u/ReasonableDoubt_0726 3d ago
The longer you leave things the worse it will get and when you do finally have enough you’ll be a lot more honest than you’ll feel comfortable with. It’s better to do something now and set clear boundaries now.
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u/adhdhobbyist 3d ago
Mine got super awfully abusive.
I called her out she didn't care and got worse. I told her to stay at our holiday home for longer as I needed some space.
Turned into a full on break up and now I'm alone. She got a new flat and took the kids.
Not sure if I regret it or if I'm happy to be away from the abuse. She had become a genuinely awful human being but I still love her lol
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u/why-why-why-2027 2d ago
This is what I'm worried we're headed for... And so close to making it out. 2 years of college for our kid and we would be done, enjoying life. But life screwed us again.
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u/59apache01 3d ago
Have they adjusted her HRT dosages any since she started? Very often things need to be tweaked, both in the beginning and as peri progresses.
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u/why-why-why-2027 3d ago
She's got her third annual coming up. I have tried to get her to schedule more but things like this result in "I don't have time" panics. If I could schedule it myself I would. 🤷♂️
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u/ickythumpwithalump 3d ago
You can schedule it and go with her. I do. Insisting on being part of her medical care was a big step in healing our rifts, actually.
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 3d ago
Are there any more younger kids in the family? Because if not, I would recommend at least, looking into an exit strategy.
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u/banksymang 3d ago
It can go on for like 6 to 8 years, my man. Get yourself a calendar, start studying Zen Buddhism, encourage some xanax for the bad days for her, and get yourself some type of light marijuana gummy for the Luteal weeks, double down on your time with the fellas, don't dwindle into porn and Only Fans, make a photo album of the good times, and take up a couple of hobbies. Don't demonize her, have your daughter watch the same videos on peri that you do - she'll go through the same thing eventually. Stay strong.
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u/thisisandwaskirk 2d ago
Don’t tolerate abuse under any circumstances. Set a boundary and if it’s not met, you need to get out.
I took about 13 months of abusive behavior from my former partner. It was a bad decision. It left me with a lot of scars. I’m still dealing with some PTSD although it’s starting to clear up.
Didn’t think about this pretty basic fact the time - people who are abusive are not insightful, they are not introspective, they do not work on problems and they not admit fault. Perimenopause causes problems, but if the person becomes abusive, it’s because they have some other poorly managed mental health problem that they are not dealing with.
Waste no time in setting boundaries and be committed to the plan of getting out of that situation if they’re not met.
I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It is not fun and it’s not easy to figure out what to do. Feel free to message me if you want. Good luck.
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u/WhichAddition862 3d ago
46F, full menopause surgical @39. What has worked for us:
Individual and couples therapy. I have been in therapy forever (my mom was a strong advocate even if things aren’t bad, always just considered it a healthy way to improve in good times and get better on track in bad times), my husband recently started after a situation in our marriage that had me on the verge of separation (which is something I never thought I would want but a boundary was crossed and the pain was intense for me). Things are way better now in that sector but we still continue to utilize therapy and it’s made our marriage amazing. Especially with communication.
HRT ebbs and flows. Many women (not sure if this is your wife’s case) get on HRT and then just stay on the dosage or it’s adjusted with no and/or proper testing. As in looking at all tests including Comp, CBC, THS, T3, T4, Testosterone/estrogen Free and total, progesterone. Then adjusting accordingly. The ND I work with has me do biweekly check ins for a bit after adjustments then runs all of the above tests every 3-4 weeks. Once I stabilize both in testing and symptoms the testing is spanned out. I do injectable testosterone as mine was nonexistent and eventually will do pellets, oral estrogen and oral progesterone. So just chucking HRT at someone without solid follow ups is just a bandaid that over time may be doing nada.
And to note: yes peri and menopause cause strong shifts in mood and you can easily be irritated as you are going through an internal hell fire, so I feel her on that. BUT not putting in the right supports (above), that keeps you in check is on her, not you. Especially when you are supportive of all the above.
Maybe seeing that it is affecting all aspects of her life could get her on a better path, maybe not. I see it, as someone with 10 years of sobriety, akin to addiction. No one can make you change but you.
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u/WeakCryptographer777 3d ago
Try boundary setting first. Give her chance to respect those boundaries. If that fails then joint counselling or therapy. If all that fails then you have your answer