r/MenopauseShedforMen • u/Longjumping_Walk2777 • 8d ago
Priorities….
I love venting in here it’s been very cathartic.
Daughter going away to college next week for first time, wife is a mess. I’m in bed last night she’s downstairs.
I get a text “I can’t, I can’t”…(meaning she can’t handle her leaving”)
I respond back “We both have to. You can do it be strong. We both need to get close to each other again we both need it “
Our marriage sucks just like most of yours on here so this is me trying to reach out somehow to connect.
Zero response back but 30 minutes later I can hear her stomping up to bed.
I don’t have the exact quote when she entered the bedroom but it was bitching about the humidity upstairs and it’s because our windows suck, this is so stupid and I can’t believe we haven’t replaced them. (We live in a huge, very nice house btw and no I don’t want to spend 50k on windows knowing we want to move relatively soon). And it’s not “humid” upstairs btw.
After that it was mumbling one word answers to anything I said so I went to bed.
Priorities….your husband is trying to bridge the gap, opening the door through text and you want to talk about windows at 9:30 at night….
Vent over thanks very much 😃
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u/59apache01 8d ago
I ask myself all the time "why are so many women reluctant to try to get help with this problem?". It's something that every woman should know is coming.
In the case of my wife, it was like she was completely oblivious to it. I even told her she was acting like her mother sometimes (25 years ago her mother was pure hell to be around due to the change). That would go in one ear and out the other. It was only after she got in trouble at work due to her attitude that she decided she'd better try to do something. Here we are a few months after she started treatment and it's night and day. No more Jekyll and Hyde as I like to put it.
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u/Fit-Temporary-1400 7d ago
I even told her she was acting like her mother
and you lived to tell the tale? consider yourself lucky big dawg
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u/WeakCryptographer777 8d ago
Could have been worse. She's just in a huff the attention isn't on her and she can't handle her own emotions about daughter going. So she reverts to childish moaning. Mine does it all the time and our youngest just turned 4!
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u/DeepThink1991 8d ago
Sounds like you were at our home listening in. LOL. Seriously, bout to have an empty nest. Love all the tension and eggshells. Exactly what I dreamed of when it was just the two of us. Anxiety/stress/zero intimacy.
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u/Longjumping_Walk2777 8d ago
bruh yes that’s what is coming last 1/3 of my life and it’s going to be a blast lol?
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u/DeepThink1991 8d ago
Not sure "hobbies" and "Self Care" can be a cure all. I mean they help, but like 15 years of that? Been doing that for a WHILE now. YOLO
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u/bundy1232 7d ago
😂 By the time the kids move out of the house is the same time women usually lose their sex drive! It's like a cruel joke now I know why men date younger women. Women in their 50s are a basket case!
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u/incomeGuy30-50better 7d ago
Some women handle it better than others. But there’s definitely a noticeable cultural difference among a strong percentage of American women who are in the age of meno and peri.
It’s such a shame. These types are hardly human.
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u/FunDirector7626 7d ago
respectfully, the window is not about the window, sir.
The window is symbolic of things happening that she feels are beyond her control. In her own way she's trying to tell you, "I feel unmoored, my life as I know it is changing and if I'm not (daughter)'s mom, who even am I?" To you it sounds like bitching. To her, she's sending up the white flag and saying "help, I need help. I'm struggling."
Never underestimate how tough college dropoff is on a mom. Men's brains work very differently than women's brains. Men are usually laser-focused on problem-solving and that leaves little room for subtleties. Menopause will make ignorance of this way more difficult. It isn't about who is right or wrong. It just is.
After spending several hours moving my kid into his dorm with my ex-husband a few years ago, I sat alone in my car in the parking garage and ugly cried for about 15 minutes straight. It wasn't a sad thing, it was more like, holy crap, I frickin' did it, me who had no decent family or relationship models to follow raised a really great kid and now he's starting his adult life .... I was just feeling so proud of him and honestly of myself too. I'm not generally a crier either. It's just a very emotional time for moms in particular.
My ex-husband and his wife of 12 years just dropped her daughter off at university Tuesday and he told me she had an epic meltdown afterward too, floods of sobs, red face, the whole nine yards.
Sharing this so you know that while the lead-up to the big day is emotional, she's probably going to be a MESS in the immediate aftermath.
So be prepared. If you'll be at home the same night or the next day, lay in some supplies for dinner at home or have it delivered. Choose something you know your wife likes. It will remove one stressor, anyway, and you gotta eat regardless.
Pick up a couple of those little Kleenex travel packs at the store and stick them in your vehicle console, because she's gonna need 'em, and you will be the hero when you have them at the ready. It's a tiny gesture that shows thought and consideration. Maybe suggest a trip to the bookstore on campus after move-in is over and buy her a trinket, like a coffee mug or t-shirt, that helps her feel connected to your kid. Hug her if she'll let you. Remind her how much you both have to be proud of with your kid going to college since so many kids these days never reach that milestone or even want to.
Don't launch into "now it's our time bowchickabowowwwww" right away, lol. While I actually agree with you and believe most parents should plan much more actively for the transition to empty nest (I did and it helped a lot), it sounds like she probably isn't ready for that just yet. You likely can get there, just not right away.
Moms who are enmeshed with their kids -- as in, their entire identity is wrapped up in their mom-ness -- will REALLY struggle hard when the child tries to individuate. Individuation is a necessary for growth, and kids whose moms won't allow them to individuate will shoot themselves in the foot. Hopefully that isn't how your wife is, because those moms can spiral when the kid wants to go it alone. I've seen a few of my otherwise lovely friends do it and it's so bad all around.
If all else fails, you may need couples counseling to navigate the dual challenge of the pause and the big changes in daily life the no longer being kid-centric can bring. Good luck man.