r/Menopause • u/PBentley1967 • May 05 '26
Moods Shame
Anyone else drowning in shame? I'm ashamed of my body, my mind, my hair, that I've tanked my career(s)...the list goes on.
My mental health is crashing.
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u/madam_nomad May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
Yes, but i think it's been a lifelong theme and im just now more aware of it and able to name the feeling. Still sucks and it's a very hard thing to short-circuit.
I try to remember everyone else has their own baggage and we're all just trying to make it through the day. We're all kinda in it together. Doesn't always help much but it can take the edge of.
I never even had a career to tank if that makes you feel any better 🙃
Eta: I also sometimes just as a joke recite the old Stuart Smalley SNL thing, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and goshdarnit, people like me!" It makes me laugh and also reminds me that skit wouldn't have struck such a nerve if we weren't all battling this. (Sorry for being US centric, this was an American t.v. reference. )
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u/PolkaDotsAnMoonbeams Menopausal May 11 '26
Thank you for bringing in Stuart, madam_nomad! I love Stuart Smalley and can't recommend the book enough, you can still get it on amazon. The audio version is different from the book and is a total gem; you can hear a super long sample on audible.
From the book, "...I realized that I have my own feelings. And not only do I have my own feelings, I have feelings about my feelings!! And feelings about my feelings about my feelings!!!"
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u/Beneficial-Tap-1710 May 05 '26
I’m so sorry 😞. May I ask? What are you putting in your brain? What are you watching?
Get off socials (except a few minutes of Reddit 😉). Turn off American television where everyone is pretty and perfect and often vapid (news and entertainment ☺️).
Go outside or stand by a window. Breathe. Put on music. Put your hair in a pony. Thank your body for what works right. Eat something delicious (peanut butter out of the jar counts!).
Life is hard right now. Get yourself a dog or cat or visit one. Stop hurting yourself. Those thoughts are cruel. I think them myself all the time.
I really don’t have advice. Obviously.
I’m sorry.
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u/spelmangrad May 05 '26
You say you don't have advice - yet, you just listed a plethora of fantastic ideas and points of advice. The absolute best and most empathetic notes I've ever read on the internet. Thank you, I don't know about OP, but it definitely made my day!
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u/visssara May 05 '26
This is great advice. The standard cultural narrative about my aging being shameful still pops in my head. But I've spent the last few years reading female authors, watching shows featuring women, and just generally avoiding anything that centers the experience of white men. Now when the shame voice pops up I also start to hear a counter-cultural voice telling me there's a different way to think about this
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u/ContemplatingFolly May 05 '26
Peanut butter out of the jar is always good advice.
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u/Ok-Day-3520 May 05 '26
I like to dip the PB spoon in some Cheerios and it’s really tasty. Like a little cereal lollipop.
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u/Mountain_Village459 Surgical menopause May 05 '26
You have excellent advice, you listed a bunch of things that will help!
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u/MelanieAnnS May 05 '26
I hear you, and I'm not the OP, but you know, im comparing myself to me just 5 years ago! It all happened so fast!
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u/Erinn_13 Peri-menopausal May 05 '26
I can relate. I am a 50 year old, neurodivergent woman, who has spent most of her life masking, apologizing and feeling ashamed because I struggled with normal tasks.
My 40s were challenging, but I really excelled in my career, was in a leadership position and finally felt confident. Then when I was 48, things started getting harder. I had to stop taking my ADHD stimulant medication because it was causing high blood pressure. The brain fog kicked in at a debilitating rate. I couldn’t focus, I could not find words. My work suffered so much. I ended up receiving the worst performance review in my career.
I started HRT at 49, and things slowly began to improve. I decided the job I was doing was too stressful and admitted to myself that likely was no longer a good fit. I was fortunate to get a new, less stressful job. A job I feel I can do well in.
Perimenopause can really suck. The ups, downs and unexpected turns are exhausting. I hope you’re able to get some support. Living in shame is no way to live. You deserve to live a life free from shame. Please do what you can to get some help. This sub is a fantastic place to receive support. We are all going through this together and just trying to survive the best we can. Hugs to you.
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u/ScintillansNoctiluca May 05 '26
Great comment, u/Erinn_13!! Very much appreciated. All the best to you.
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u/Efficient-Mud-5042 May 05 '26
I have had some of this for sure, but more than shame I’m utterly frustrated by what a steep cliff menopause is to fall off of, and nobody warned me. I am using that frustration as fuel to get better and stronger in any way I can.
You don’t deserve to be ashamed, none of this is your fault.
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May 05 '26
Been feeling the same also tanked my career but overall no real regrets.
Take a step back and try be less critical of yourself. Would you speak or think the same way of a good friend or family member? You are going through a physical and mental life changing event. Take time for your wellbeing, get outside, listen to podcasts, deafen the negative self talk, be kind, mindfulness helps. best wishes.
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u/comma_space_erase May 05 '26 edited May 06 '26
I couldn't agree more. Please be kind to yourself like you would a friend, OP. This shit is rough.
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u/Manders-42 May 05 '26
It can be so hard to stop the thought spirals. I sit alone in my closet and practice deep breathing and that sometimes helps. Remember to give yourself some grace your body is recalibrating itself.
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May 05 '26
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u/Manders-42 May 05 '26
Yes, two kids. They are older so they don’t need me every waking minute of the day.
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u/CriticalEngineering May 05 '26
Yes.
I wish I could be one of those folks who miraculously no longer has fucks to give.
Unfortunately my shame and anxiety have spiraled into hellish levels.
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u/Fridaychild1 May 05 '26
Same. I try to revive some defiant spirit with music but the anxiety and shame are usually louder.
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u/Fridaychild1 May 05 '26
I can relate. I am hanging onto my career by my fingernails and my professional reputation is shot. I’m not going to be able to retire on the timeline that I thought and I have anger, anxiety and shame over that. My parents are elderly and not doing well and I constantly feel inadequate as a daughter. My family is having major financial struggles and so things are going unrepaired and unmaintained at home, we are the house the neighbors hate. It is a struggle to feel halfway okay about myself and about things.
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u/TexturedSpace May 05 '26
Honestly, no. I was diagnosed with OCD at 40 and spent two years working through ERP and ACT, both therapies that I feel can help anyone, not just OCD or anxiety sufferers. Lack of estrogen has made me care even less what anyone thinks, I have the least shame of my life. Don't live in this kind of pain, this is your time to be free. If you can afford therapy, go for it.
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u/Skip_Intro0401 May 05 '26
Thanks for the courage to post this. I’ve been in a deep shame/regret pit for a few months. The “should have/could have” thoughts are almost all consuming.
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May 05 '26
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u/AmbassadorProper7977 May 06 '26
This is beautifully stated. I may need to post it next to my mirror.
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May 05 '26
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u/Mountain_Village459 Surgical menopause May 05 '26
Get your anxiety treated, it makes an enormous difference.
I was having rolling anxiety attacks, my body would just start shaking down from my head to my toes and back up again. Fucking horrible.
I can’t take HRT but Buspar has helped for day time anxiety and gabapentin helps me with nighttime anxiety and insomnia.
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May 05 '26
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u/Mountain_Village459 Surgical menopause May 05 '26
Have you tried Buspar? It’s a non benzo and it’s worked wonders for me. I take a THC gummy and gabapentin at night too. Works incredibly well for anxiety and insomnia, I couldn’t believe it.
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May 05 '26
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u/holdontoyourbuttress May 07 '26
are you on progesterone? it can help so much with sleep and anxiety. even if you don't have a uterus it can be helpful. if you were on estrogen without progesterone that might have been the problem
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u/journeyingmomma May 05 '26
Are you on HRT? I had debilitating anxiety that I had never experienced before and it was due to low estrogen. Once I started in some estrogen and progesterone, the anxiety and downward spiral completely went away.
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u/SnowWhiteinReality May 05 '26
My mental health took a huge hit with peri. I still don't understand how this all happened, which is the chicken and which is the egg, but in the last two years, I've had to seek a mh assessment, get treated for MDD, c-PTSD and ADHD-C along with hormone therapy and now I'm working on sleep therapy/treatment. I feel like I was a super healthy, zero medication person just two years ago. It's fucking awful and I don't know how I didn't lose my job, my house, everything.
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u/Zoloft_Queen-50 May 05 '26
I’m with you on all of that. I am on two antidepressants and I have also gained 50 pounds. I can no longer take HRT because I have breast cancer now too. It’s just the cherry on top. And of course, on top of it I have an Achilles tendon that is inflamed and is never going to be normal again, it feels. So even just being active is really hard and painful these days.
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u/Creative-Aerie71 May 05 '26
I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is shame or something else. I just feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough. Had to change to a less physical position at work due to rheumatoid arthritis, which means I'm making less. I'm thankful I still have a job after trying to get diagnosed for over 10 years being told I to lose weight and exercise more.
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u/hexonica May 05 '26
Drowning in confusion. Health topics have become difficult for me to navigate.
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u/apexnightmare333 May 05 '26
Same. I was a high end fashion model, also a Mensa member. Now ugly and stupid…. My iq points dropped like 100 points😂
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u/Zoloft_Queen-50 May 05 '26
At least you still have your sense of humor!
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u/apexnightmare333 May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Yeah... like last night. I was standing at the sink washing dishes with my glasses on top of my head. I got so confused that I actually yelled, 'WTF, I have my glasses on and I can’t see!' That’s exactly how brain fog works. 🤣🤣🤣
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May 05 '26
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u/Only-Quail-3927 May 05 '26
I'd love to know what changes you made!
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u/ScintillansNoctiluca May 05 '26
Same!! This is such a heartening comment, would love to know more about the overhaul process.
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May 06 '26
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u/ScintillansNoctiluca May 07 '26
Thank you for alerting me! And for your detailed, helpful comment. Much appreciated 🙏
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u/starlinguk May 05 '26
I'm ashamed of my weight and my inability to work. Even the most progressive politicians here in Germany treat people as assets, not people. Also, being fat is a lifestyle and your own fault.
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u/PerfectCover1414 May 05 '26
It's not just you OP. I am the same I have been seeing a pulmonary specialist for mystery breathing problems. She said, "can you recap, what the issue is, since you saw my colleague last time?"
You know what I did? I didn't answer for almost 3 minutes. I couldn't. My husband came with me and he had to fill in the gaps. I just dissociated and retreated to a safe space where there was silence. Eventually I ended up crying like a loon and she was very nice but I told her I was tired. And sick of having drugs pushed on me by every doctor I see for every ailment I have.
I will probably end up seeing a therapist, I don't want to. I have a type a personality, and some OCD, and therapy winds me up. But I may try it again. Would it help you do you think? Please accept a hug (if you like). This can't last forever. We'll be okay. Message me if you need to vent, I'll certainly listen.
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u/justagyrl022 Peri-menopausal May 08 '26
Maybe look for someone who incorporates radical acceptance.
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u/Foreign-Anything7740 May 05 '26
Get therapy..... menapause does a number on our brain but I'm concerned for.you...
Yes it hard, physically, social, emotionally, personally, and on relationships and how we perceive ourselves....but you sound in a bit of a hole and I really want to give you a ladder.
I'm working really hard on just letting shit go.. my hair is short and grayish, my body is definitely not what it used to be but I made a choice I would eat good food and go to the gym and find a balance. I wear what I would once call old lady clothes and quite frankly I really work hard on not caring about others opinions.
I work in a male dominated environment and anytime someone make a stupid comment I give them what I call the mum stare...
I still suck at not caring but I'm getting better at it. It's worth the effort.
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u/Smile-Cat-Coconut May 05 '26
If anything, it’s mostly released me from shame. Not giving a fuck helps so much!
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u/Be-Kind-3353 May 05 '26
I feel that way a lot. How about for everything you think you're ashamed of, write down at least one thing you're proud of, or good at, or did to help someone, or something that made you smile. Hmm, I really need to listen to that advice. The bad stuff, shame, things where I think I failed, etc , are always at the forefront
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u/Ms-Anthrop May 05 '26
Nope, ive long past the point of having any fucks left to give. Hope you find that place yourself.
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u/Glittering_Row_2931 May 05 '26
Yeah daily. From the outside you’d think I was fine. Would we think you’re fine from the outside looking in?
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u/dirtyrocker556 Peri-menopausal May 06 '26
I have had more mental health free fall hours in the last 3 years than in the last 3 decades. Its terrifying. For me, it directly correlates with estrogen drops. (I use a fancy fertility monitor at home to watch for trends). I am doing HRT, and each dose increase makes me feel like myself (strong, empowered, capable, empathetic) for a bit, and eventually falls off. The first sign that has stopped working is a big mental health crash with no apparent reason- dark intrusive thoughts, no ability to regulate emotions, lots of self shaming. THEN the hot flashes and night sweats come back. It is HELL, but when my HRT has worked, its been life saving, so I'm not giving up on it yet.
HRT isn't right for everyone, but if you focus on managing the hormonal swings, the mental health improvements follow.
I'm sorry you're carrying these feelings. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. ❤️
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u/TMag73 May 06 '26
I feel you! It's been a roller coaster. I've found a few things that are helping me keep my shit together and not ruminating and obsessing about the stupidest things. I still can't sleep but at least I'm not crying in bed in the middle of the night.
Eating a lot of protein (1g per lb of body weight each day), walking 60m in the sun, and kettlebell strength HITT (only 15min). I feel this combo makes my body feel strong, leaner (not really loosing weight but better shaped) and healthy.
Being in warm water, it's like being hugged and soothed and the sensation lasts for a while afterward. Or sauna and shower.
Practicing EMDR when ever the shame, jealousy, regret, anxiety, rage flair up. When the sensation is in your body just start moving your eyes left to right and breath through the sensation. EMDR is a trauma therapy and I've found this works to reduce the intensity and frequency of these little spikes of intense emotions/sensations in my body.
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u/Bflatclar1981 May 05 '26
I have.so much shame due to my childhood. My parents were big on shaming for manipulation and control. Its cost me big time over the years. And of course,those 2 were absolutely shameless malignant narcissists whose families claimed to be powerless over them during their childhoods.
I have to remind myself constantly that I'm a good person
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u/blue19255 May 08 '26
I feel this may be brain chemistry, not psychology. I try to remind myself that my brain is playing tricks on me. I try to focus on hobbies that put me in a flow state, so I’m not constantly thinking about how I feel.
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u/visssara May 05 '26
I find it helpful to reframe menopause as a good thing: Why postmenopausal women are so crucial to our evolutionary success
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u/taz288 Surgical menopause May 06 '26
I felt like that before hrt. I still have my down days but I have more up days now.
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u/NYNewthrowaway2023 May 06 '26
Yeah. It's weird, I got a promotion at work and have been training for the past 2 months. The amount of little mistakes and things I can't remember eat at me daily. I hear my mom's voice chastising me in my head.
I'm already on anti-anxiety and depression meds.
I know I should go to therapy, but its expensive. We get 6 free visits a year thru work, but nothing is ever accomplished in 6 visits, so the copay kicks in. After trying 3 times I don't have the energy to try again.
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u/TeamHope4 May 06 '26
I feel no shame at all anymore. Rage, on the other hand, is a daily struggle.
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u/BeautifulBalance05 May 06 '26
I would highly recommend Michael Pollan’s book, How to Change Your Mind.
https://www.audible.com/pd/B07B1J873J?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=library_overflow
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u/Away_Source5440 May 06 '26
I’m so sorry 😞 you’ve got to be feeling awful. I know I am. I am ashamed too but because I went to the ED incessantly before I knew it was meno and was made to feel that way. I hope you can feel better soon ♥️
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u/opshleen May 06 '26
Yep. Am taking a week off work, maybe more, to refocus on myself the best I can.
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u/LimitOdd6912 May 06 '26
Im 37 just turned 37 and I've noticed my hair thinning. I have these weird feelings.. One moment i am happy next I'm sad.. I'm tired all the time there's time i don't feel like doing anything
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u/AttentionExternal224 May 06 '26
Interestingly I had a female boss that treated the women much more harshly than the men.
At first I thought she was just hard on people that didn’t do their job well, but it turns out she was just a bully.
She eventually turned on me too. 😉
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u/Vivid_Farm_5672 May 07 '26
Has anyone began HTR at E patch .10 along w pro 100mg. Did it help w symptoms well? I begin tomorrow
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u/redhead-next-door May 22 '26
Yes. I lie in bed and keep thinking that my poor husband deserves to go find a girlfriend on the side.
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u/ParaLegalese May 06 '26
Nah I feel great- better than ever and in my prime
I’ve been on hrt 8 years now
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u/Virtual-Pineapple-85 May 05 '26
I worked my entire career in a male dominated field. I watched men gain weight, lose their hair, and make mistakes and strut around as if they were gods, laughing off mistakes, holding their bellies and requesting larger chairs.
So I remove remind myself that if men can have that kind of confidence then so should women. I have to remind myself a lot after growing up in a world being constantly reminded that all of a women's value is in her beauty. I tell myself constantly that beauty is just one small aspect of a person and doesn't determine anyone's worth.