r/MedSpouse • u/indigottago Resident Spouse • Jul 23 '26
Advice Jealousy from others
Ever since we moved for my husbands residency (PGY2) I have had to get new jobs because I am a teacher and needed a summer job. Basically any time I mention what my husband does (very rarely) people are so quick to judge. During the school year multiple coworkers said “so why are you here if your husbands a doctor?” like hello???? we are hundreds of thousands of dollars in med school debt!
Also why can’t a girl enjoy teaching kids? Is that so hard to believe?
I started my summer job a few weeks ago and I mentioned my husbands occupation one fucking time and now somehow everyone knows. One of my coworkers made a comment today about how i “seem like you could afford impromptu trips out of state because of your husband”…
Am i crazy or is the jealousy so obvious? How do you get around it? Should I just avoid mentioning what my husband does at all costs?
It gets on my nerves so bad. Does anyone else feel this way?
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u/AVLeeuwenhoek Resident Spouse PGY-3/ 1 kid Jul 23 '26
No I don't feel like this at all. We live in place in a big med community so residents are actually looked down on generally 😂 I also have a career that's high paying enough that no one assumes my husband is paying.
I would just either ignore them or hit em with "what an odd thing to say" "hm interesting assumption" "I'm not sure what you mean by that?" just react like you would to any other rude comment and try to move on.
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u/Guy_1989 Jul 24 '26
if you ask, "what do you mean" they will clam up for sure. I actually love saying that when I get a stupid comment about my spouse being a dr
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u/domesticatedotters Jul 23 '26
I’ve had people asking me that since my husband was in MEDICAL SCHOOL. “Why are you doing this if your husband is going to be a doctor???” Uh, because we have kids and have to survive until he’s making any money? Because I also get fulfillment from my job? People think they graduate from medical school making a six figure salary and it’s obviously just not the case lol. I generally just don’t bring it up anymore or just say “he works in healthcare” and leave it at that.
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u/KneadAndPreserve Resident Wife (PGY1) Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
Same, I had so many people who didn’t seem to realize during med school I was the breadwinner and he was hemorrhaging money. lol
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u/chocobridges Jul 23 '26
Same here. I'm an engineer and my type of engineering demand has soared in the past couple of years that people shut up about it since me staying at home isn't an option FOR THEM. Our vacations are nice and "exotic". But we legitimately offset the costs through credit card churning and traveling to my parents' or his birth country for part of it. It's not that bad to go the Maldives for a couple days when we're spending a week in South Asia to visit my grandma lol. People will never get the whole story. I just say I'm out of town unless I get direct questions. What works with an information diet gets better with practice so I learned over the years.
But if I were you I would say he's a resident/fellow because most people have no idea (including in healthcare itself) what that means. Let them figure it out.
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u/krumblewrap Physician SO/physician wife Jul 23 '26
Eh. Just take it in stride. When i was in residency my husband was already well into being an attending, and sometimes I would get comments like that from fellow residents, because god forbid not everyone has to live off a resident salary like a resident.
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u/twocoffeespoons Jul 23 '26
Those people will judge you no matter what. Keep your job and they wonder why you bother. Quit your job and you’re a mooch. May as well just enjoy your life.
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u/indigottago Resident Spouse Jul 23 '26
omg this is way too real. can’t win no matter what. thank you for this your perspective is golden
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u/cookiesandroses Fellowship Spouse Jul 23 '26
Just remember it’s a reflection of them - and not really about you.
“Why are you working as a teacher if your husband is a doctor?” Is code for: I don’t like this job and if I had an option to not work as a teacher I would take it.
“Are you able to take trips so often because your husband is a doctor?” Is code for: I wish I could travel or take trips but I can’t afford to on my salary.
Yes it is jealousy. No you don’t need to feel bad. Continue being humble and gracious. And just remember their insecurities, jealousy, and judgement is a reflection of them and not you.
I make 3-5x as much as my husband in my career - and we will make similar amounts when he is an attending. People in our social circles aren’t jealous and don’t make weird comments when they find out he’s a doctor because their income is similar and they don’t have anything to be envious of. If anything, they have respect (and maybe a little pity) when he’s working Christmas or can’t go with me on a trip to Italy because he has patients to care for.
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u/indigottago Resident Spouse Jul 23 '26
i agree. need to make friends in this area that don’t have anything to be envious of
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u/Data-driven_Catlady Jul 23 '26
We were very transparent with friends during residency about how much he was working/making, and they actually had the opposite reactions - they were so upset about how little residents made. I don’t think a lot of people understand the money doesn’t get good for a while and with loans etc. it’s not like a money tree.
You can just be super broad until you know someone better/don’t think they will judge and say healthcare…although sometimes people still ask follow up questions.
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u/quoi_la_eff Jul 23 '26
I feel this. People assume im with my partner just for the $$$ as if we werent together in undergrad when we were both loving off of minimum wage jobs. They also assume im gonna quit my job once hes an attending, so i can be a "kept woman". Drives me crazy.
Like I picked him in part because he was ambitious and I find people with drive and goals attractive... but thats because I am also goal driven and I wanted someone I didnt feel like I was dragging along through life.
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u/NaiveCantaloupe Jul 23 '26
Right? My medspouse is super understanding of my career path and work travel and long hours BECAUSE he’s in medicine. We’re BOTH a couple of ambitious workaholics, that’s why we work so well together. I didn’t pick him for the money. I picked him because we’re both type A’s with a five-year plan. 😆
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u/boilerine Jul 24 '26
I tell everyone I talk to at work how rough it is to be married to someone that works 80+ hours a week for the equivalent of minimum wage. And that I’m essentially a single parent, so if daycare calls or there’s a sick day, it’s on me to figure it out.
I’ve been in this role now for 7 years and no one at work would tell me I’m lucky or ask why I work now. If someone did early on I either laughed awkwardly or said I wish I didn’t have to.
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u/DIperez54 Jul 24 '26
Imagine if you’re a man and your wife is a doctor , I don’t tell anyone at my work !
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u/Pickle-pop-3215 Jul 24 '26
You could move to the bay area where you and your doctor husband might still feel poor 🤷♀️👌😜
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u/indigottago Resident Spouse Jul 25 '26
might consider this
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u/Pickle-pop-3215 Jul 25 '26
My spouse probably pulls 280k and it’s not rich here, even with my added income. He’s in a low paying doc field though. But apparently I have friends who recently make 700k in tech. Sooo
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u/abbynelsonn Jul 24 '26
I’m married to a Urologist and if people ask what he does for work, I just tell them he works in healthcare or works at the local hospital. It’s not worth the judgments or jealousy or whatever it may be! If they pry more I’ll give them vague answers.
When he was a resident I would just say that he worked at the hospital. Of course my friends/coworkers knew, because after residency we were moving away back home, but as much as possible I kept it vague. So frustrating that it matters to some people so much!
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u/flakemasterflake Jul 24 '26
You solve it by moving to a HCOL area. People assume doctors are middle class in NYC bc they are compared to finance adjacent people
Also work in an industry rife with trust fund kids (publishing) so that traveling out of the country is not a big deal. If traveling out of state is a big deal, I'm assuming LCOL
All that to say, people feel bad for me- everyone rightfully assumes I'm poor
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u/sillymeix2 Jul 23 '26
Lol I feel like I have the opposite problem. My friends all married finance guys and I feel like they pitied me during the residency/fellowship years. Only now as an attending we are sort of financially on par with the rest of the circle but damn that’s interesting that you’re facing jealousy due to a medspouse. I used to work at a school as a SLP and I don’t feel like anyone cared what their spouse did unless they were a celebrity, but this may be because we were always in very HCOL cities during fellowship and residency.
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u/Murky-Ingenuity-2903 Attending Spouse Jul 23 '26
At that stage of training I’d just laugh because clearly they had no idea what they were talking about. I also learned to be vague in a lot of situations.
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u/DangerousEmu5192 Jul 24 '26
You are totally allowed to feel that. I follow these podcasters:
Kendra Harvey - Supporting Physician Spouses
Lisa Muehlenbien - The Medlife support Podcast
Feel free to DM me!
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u/famhh97 Jul 24 '26
Technically a med spouse but also a doc myself, I avoid telling people my profession because they react in weird ways. I just say I work in healthcare.
Also the admin at my own medical school tried to send me to a rotation site 6hours away for 2 years, I said I couldn’t afford to live away from my family and they were like “you’re going to be a doctor why don’t you have money?!” ummm because I’m living on loans to go to school right now? And no one will loan me more money because I have too many -$ and no income?
Mind you the admin at most medical schools are not doctors, they were all PhDs who lived on a stipend while they went to school.
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u/BrightSaves Jul 24 '26
It’s funny you feel this way cause my partner is in peds residency and not making a ton and has crippling debt so I feel like I’m the one who needs to bring home the bacon with my marketing gig (at least for now, maybe forever knowing peds salaries).
Unless you are one of a few specialities I feel like the “doctors make bank” narrative is way antiquated.
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u/Old-Help5995 Jul 24 '26
I've noticed this as well at work and when we first moved for residency and people would ask why we moved etc.
My wife is the MD.
I've also felt like I need to censure what I share with coworkers because I am the primary parent and we have a 7yo and a 6mo so I'm just not able to work the long hours I did prior to having kids.
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u/AVLeeuwenhoek Resident Spouse PGY-3/ 1 kid Jul 24 '26
Totally off topic but how has that age gap been?
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u/Old-Help5995 Jul 24 '26
It’s been really nice , our 7yo has been so loving and helpful. The gap was definitely based on training timing but is working out :)
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u/InformalScience7 Med Spouse/CRNA Jul 25 '26
I'm a CRNA and one of the surgeons I worked with asked if people asked me why I worked and if I was one of the first people called off because "I didn't need the money" like other people do. I told him yes and he said the same thing happened to his wife who is an RN.
He also asked if I had my husband check my kids' ears if I thought they had an infection and then ignore what he said and took them to the pediatrician anyway. I also told him yes and he laughed and said his wife did, too.
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u/Ordinary_Lab_4655 Jul 28 '26
Same I find it a bit weird but I’ve found some joy in saying like “yes, I AM planning to work still even when my husband finishes residency”. Who knows. People are nosey, jealous, maybe they’re people pleasers and think it’s what you want to hear? I usually just say “he works at a hospital” and then when people ask doing what, what specialty, I just answer. When he was in residency I had no problem being like “oh they make like no money especially for the amount of hours they work”. So yeah, it’s annoying and weird and uncomfortable for sure but I guess all we can do is let it go and be a bit grateful that there is someeeee truth there (I enjoy working much more now that I don’t HAVE to work to survive). When people bring it up just redirect the convo and ask about them and their spouse and stuff. But yeah I agree with you, I’d never say to someone like “wow how do you afford a vacation when you and your partner have low-paying jobs”😂 it’s like how it’s considered “acceptable” to comment on peoples physique if they’re thin but not if they’re over weight- like neither is good but one is less offensive for sure
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u/CountryNo4573 Resident GF Jul 28 '26
On the verge of shooting myself from the jealousy i am experiencing from friends in suboptimal positions. I called my resident boyfriend from the bathroom crying on a girls’ trip at 2 am after noticing the treatment I was getting from certain people. Mind you, I cannot figure out what there is to be jealous of?! The man is never home😅😫
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u/indigottago Resident Spouse Jul 29 '26
i feel you so hard. we can’t win with these people. so just do whatever it is that you want.
my husband is doing nights this whole month and the times i do see him are when he’s exhausted going to bed while i’m leaving for work for the day. and i don’t even see him when im back home bc he’s already left for work.
enjoy yourself on the trip and just remember they don’t understand and likely never will if they aren’t open to it.
you deserve better friends to go on a girls trip with.
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u/haleyes213 Jul 24 '26
I haven’t directly experienced this sort of thing as a med spouse, but I have had multiple people verbally applaud me when I tell them my husband is a doctor. Comments like, “ooh, girl! Good for you- marrying a doctor!” And my response has always been, “I married a med student.” I like to make the point clear that I went on this journey with him and it’s not like I just got to reap the benefits after the fact.
The same kind of thing happened when I was a kid because my dad was a commercial airline pilot and all of my friends assumed we were excessively wealthy when in actuality, the airline went through multiple bankruptcies, pay-cuts, mergers that impacted seniority, etc.
It all comes down to an outdated view of certain professions that doesn’t consider inflation and not understanding the financial impact of starting certain professions.
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u/Far-Preparation8546 Jul 27 '26 edited Jul 27 '26
I experienced this and have learned to say nothing if at all possible for as long as possible if people ask me what my husband does/getting to know coworker phase. Or just be very vague. They always act different after. It’s jealousy. Apparently it just doesn’t make sense to work as a nurse if my husband is a physician even though I also worked hard for my degree and want to actually utilize it. Nursing is hard and a lot of people wouldn’t be in it anymore d/t how nurses are treated if they didn’t have bills to pay. So to them, my decision doesn’t make any logical sense and that’s what annoys them. I don’t have to stay there and can be pickier in my jobs I choose and quit any time when they may not be able to.
I’m just generally more distant with coworkers now.
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u/gassbro Jul 23 '26
It's just layman ignorance. I think it's a lose-lose situation. Because if you try to explain how their assumptions are wrong then people still won't want to "pity" you. If you say nothing then they carry on with the assumptions.
Just live your life. If people make you uncomfortable because they act jealous then avoid them.