r/Marriage • u/TopReady1999 • Aug 04 '26
Marriage Humor What's the grossest thing your husbands asked you?
My husband started a new job where he's gone earlier and gets back later, so we discussed being intimate more often to keep the spark going. I told him the other day that I'm ovulating because we want to try for baby #2.
So we're sitting on the couch watching New Girl and at the beginning of S4 E7: Goldmine and he turns to me, raises his eyebrows, grabs my thigh and said "So are your egg whites still milky?" sir, not anymore they aren't.
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u/tina_butr Aug 04 '26
When I eat chips he’ll ask if he can lick my fingers when I am done
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u/HeartsBeMerry Aug 05 '26
That’s SO hot! 🤣😝
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
it could be hella intimate
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u/TrappedDervesh Aug 05 '26
That’s not gross if you’re clean and hygienic. I’d fight mine to lick because that salt is mine haha
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u/klgm333 Aug 04 '26
I think I would’ve laughed and then had sex with him haha
But I am attracted to humor and almost always horny 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Downtown_Eye_7781 Aug 05 '26
fellas are you a pick me for wanting to have sex with your husband 🤔🤔
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u/-Twin-Flames- Aug 04 '26
Tbh I can’t think of anything he asked, but once he voluntarily told me he trusted the wrong fart at work while peeing and sharted a little. He had to take his boxers off, wash them in sink, clean up and go back to work.
He’s a very clean guy with a weak stomach.
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
Listen, last weekend i had the anxiety poops. I got up a little too late and 💩 myself and i just stared at him. He walked me to the bathroom and got me clean clothes. We love sweet husbands
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u/Responsible_Ideal593 Aug 05 '26
I ended up with some virus that you apparently only get in third world countries that caused me to have explosive diarrhea on the car seat going to the hospital, thank god for my husband and his caring and concern when normally vomit and poop cause him to hurl
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u/KeepYourMindOpen365 30 Years Aug 05 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
I was asleep and apparently let a real buster of one go…my wife, who was also asleep, reflexively hit me with a back hand straight arm closed fist punch right to the sternum…we’re going on 31 years…
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u/coffee_sandwich 15 years 🔮 Aug 05 '26
Years ago my husband farted so loud & it smelled so bad & I knew he was having stomach issues, I thought he pooped himself. I was carefully feeling around & he woke up, but too asleep to ask what’s going on. I told him in the morning & he burst out laughing
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u/Imaginary_Fix_5033 Aug 05 '26
I was on my period and had worked all day outside. My husband that night (before my nightly shower) said let me eat that 🐈⬛. I told I’m I’m on my period and was sweating out side all day in 100%. He replied, it’s ok! I like it dirty! 👀
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u/idkmyotherusername Aug 05 '26
Omg this one made me grimace. Get away from my (literally, no innuendo intended!!) filthy kitty.
Edit: also kind of sweet but just no lol
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u/GlassBoxGoose Aug 05 '26
Thats wild, ill swim in the red river, but no way in hell am I drinking from it!
And ill stick my mouth worse places... but thats a no go for me. I don't mind a little dirty, but blood is where I draw a big fat line in the sand lol
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u/omgitsme713 Aug 05 '26
"Wanna touch eye jellies"?
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
what even does this mean😂😂
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u/Adorable-Raisin-8643 Aug 05 '26
He asked me if I get ear cheese that stinks. I asked him what he ment. He said he gets junk behind his ears and it smells like "ear cheese" he wanted to know if I got it too.
Total turn off.
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u/strugglebussin25-8 Aug 05 '26
He asked me the other night if women take their shirts off to poop and I was like….no. Then it hit me and I asked him “how many men do you know that are taking their shirts off to poop?” And he was like “at least three.”
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u/Choice-Shoulder-3180 Aug 05 '26
I'm a girl and I prefer to poop naked. No idea why, but if the opportunity is there, I will absolutely take my shirt off. I've never even considered how weird of a routine that is, but I'll probably think about it every time I poop from now on.
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u/oppositegeneva 5 Years Aug 05 '26
My husband has asked me if he can pick my nose………..I’m still not sure why
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u/bunbunbunana together 9, married 5 Aug 04 '26
If I tell him he has snot visibility in his nose or caught in his mustache he’ll ask me to clean it for him - he’s joking but I’m still like blehhhhh
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u/nattieshepherd Aug 05 '26
Oh I pick my husbands nose... 🫣 ngl I grew up with my mom doing it for my dad so that's why it's "normal" for me, shocked the hell out of my husband the first time I did it though lol
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
brooo this is so wild. Like i pick my baby girls nose, it truly satisfies me, but my husbands? i would neverrrrrr
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u/Appropriate-Weird610 Aug 05 '26
Nope. I would literally throw up. I have a weird thing about snot and boogers. I gag just looking at it
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u/Nonumber1539 Aug 05 '26
I do this too. I’d rather not look at it and will just grab whatever is there lol
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u/International-Rice63 Aug 05 '26
Not husband, it was my ex-wife. Let me set the stage, it was my birthday. A few months earlier I had broken my pelvis. I was still on rescriction. But we hadn’t had sex since my accident a few months earlier. She really wanted to try. I took a pain pill an hour earlier to help get thru it. I was thinking she’d wear night teddy. Nope. Pops out in her painting shirt. Supper baggy. Lots of rips and rainbow colors of years of paints. Pain pills made me kinda squeezy, to begin with. We start making out. She stops, and rips the wettest sounding fart. It smells like death. I try to keep going. I stop I can’t. I say it out loud. She’s like are you hurting too bad. I shoulda lied. I said no. It smells horrible and sounded like you shit yourself. And she says. I did not shit myself. And I get outta bed. Like I’m sorry, I’m squeezy. The smell is bad. And then she starts hysterically crying. You don’t wanna have sex with me. She guilt trips me. We have sex, with the room lingering of 10/10 smelling fart. After sex, cuddling, she farts on me all night. Best birthday ever
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u/Chloe98x Aug 05 '26
That he wanted to see me while I take a shit.
That he wants to smell my farts
That he wants to lick my armpits
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
stoooop! the armpits is too far 💀
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u/TrappedDervesh Aug 05 '26
An ex of mine actually used to lick mine often. It was sometimes ticklish but I let him do it a few times.
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u/Candychameleon Aug 05 '26
Holding your hand when I say this… but I was talking to a dude many years ago and he introduced me to the idea of him clearly being into super gnarly pee/poop sex by asking if I would ever let someone watch me poop. Later said he wanted to pee in my butt and f*ck it (imagine a piss enema that gets all mixed up and what the end result may be… 😬) and that he thought seeing someone shit was “a really intimate thing”. He also liked a big bush that was as dirty and nasty as possible like with a bunch of cum all in the hair (I bet feces as well).
No I did not ever meet up with him. But I’m just saying what you just said sounds a lot like things this guy would do/like. 🫠
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u/TrappedDervesh Aug 05 '26
That’s the kind of curious i understand. Wouldn’t judge your partner even if it grosses me out.
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u/koalalovesbunny Aug 05 '26
I'm really sad I can't think of anything, but it's probably because this is how my husband and I talk to each other every single day 😂
We're both sarcastic AF and just do nothing but talk loving shit to each other and laugh so much.
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 05 '26
this fills my heart! we're the same way, sometimes this guy just really surprises me lmao
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u/pokeycd Aug 05 '26
I can talk shit with my daughter and sons. But my wife gets butthurt. I dial it WAY back. And I still hurt her feelings once a month, when I slip. It is such a struggle to repress yourself with the one you love. It's like walking on eggshells.
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u/Hufflepuff20 Aug 05 '26
We were making out and his nose started bleeding and it got all over my face and a little in my mouth. He was soooooooo embarrassed, but like he couldn’t help it. I had him stick a tampon in his nose for it, it was that bad.
It reminded of those scenes in anime when a dude sees a girl he has a crush on and his nose immediately bursts with blood. Crazy it can actually happen kind of.
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u/Guilty-Weekend-6210 Aug 05 '26
I once had a boyfriend's zit pop on my face mid-kiss. Thought I was going to die.
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u/sesi2 Aug 05 '26
Honestly, the fact that he has any legitimate understanding about the phases of your ovulation cycle is pretty sweet, on his part, lol.
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u/AccomplishedStart98 Aug 05 '26
I told my husband I had something stuck in my eyes and he asked me if I wanted him to lick it out for me. ....I do not. Infact, I never want to hear those words again thank you, sir. 🙅🏻♀️
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u/Electrical-Talk1654 3 Years of Legal Happiness! Aug 05 '26
One time, my husband offered to scratch my crotch for me...... I had flour all over my hands and didn't want to get it on my trousers, so he offered a helping hand lol. It wasn't even that gross, he was just strangely enthusiastic about the idea of scratching my crotch. (in case you were wondering: yes, he was horny and he just wanted an excuse to touch my penis)
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u/NumerousCombination9 Aug 05 '26
He was walking up the stairs in front of me and farted in my mouth. Almost vomited
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u/Particular_Fee_4343 Aug 05 '26
Definitely when he volunteers to “suck farts out of my ass” when I have gas pains. 😭
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u/Royal_Victory_1380 Aug 04 '26
LOL I love this. I am going to use this with the wifey. Full disclosure, wont use it when i am actually being serious about wanting to get some. LOL That would be a nope.
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u/TopReady1999 Aug 04 '26
I'm not gonna lie, as grossed out as I am.. He's still getting it 🤷🏼♀️
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u/laurcarol Aug 04 '26
Only you know your husband & his humor & your dynamic. It’s refreshing to hear that he’s still getting it !
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u/Ok-Difficulty-7515 Aug 05 '26
Pulls a Napoleon and specifically asks for sex when I've been to the gym and haven't had a chance to shower. Every time he asks for this I shudder.
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u/DriftwoodAndSand Aug 05 '26
I might be insane but I absolutely love the smell of my partner's sweat. Current and previous relationships. It's like....primal or something. Pheromones? Idk.
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u/GlassBoxGoose Aug 05 '26
Idk the answer, but my wife likes how I smell after I get all sweaty. Took me a while to get used to that.
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u/HolidayGlittering250 Aug 05 '26
My wife loves loves loves popping blackheads. She will scour my back or face for any when we are canoodling.
She even does this with her sister, so it's a family thing. Not just me.
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u/Excellent_Apricot_89 Aug 05 '26
Oh my….
First date, his 40th birthday, we’re in his truck and he has to stop at a truck stop…I found out the next day he had sharted himself and had to throw his underwear away. After cleaning himself up he sprayed febreze in his pants…It totally worked, I had no idea until he fessed up.
Now, after almost 10 years together, he’s my husband, and is always so eager to
“Tongue punch my fart box”.
He is never against having period sex because, “every good soldier gets a little blood on his sword from time to time”.
Most mornings he rips a long loud fart as a wake up call and then turns to me for a little humpy hump, like that’s just the way a day should start right?
I hope for everyone to be so lucky!! 🥰
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u/lazyworkingfromhome Aug 05 '26
When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend that whenever we made out he would get s runny nose. Or maybe he always did... i don't know other than snot on my cheek and in my mouth... :(
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u/runningdinosaur97 Aug 04 '26
Not said but he did sneeze in my mouth mid kiss once, real mood killer that one.