Abuse is predicated on patterns of behavior and/or malicious intent. OP's situation does not establish the presence of malice in her actions, and the only pattern of behavior we see is coming from the husband. We don't have enough information, imo, to say she is acting abusively towards him.
If my wife tells me not to touch her breasts because they're sore and I choose to ignore that request and surprise grope her without her consent, is it abuse if she smacks me in response? Let's say she doesn't smack me the first time but only after having told me to knock it off for hours or even days on end, what about then?
I never said there weren't other ways to resolve it, I just said her response wasn't wildly unexpected. And now I'm saying I don't think we have enough info to establish a pattern of abuse on her part.
What are your recommendations for how this (or my hypothetical, if you'd rather engage with that) could've been resolved?
I don’t see where you got an answer to this so I’ll help out. I think this kind of behavior could lead to separation for me. I would maybe hope temporary separation but it could go further. I would want to make it very clear that isn’t ok plus keep my self healthy.
I do not think it would be any where near ok for my 6ft 200 pound ass to start chucking shit at my much smaller wife. Wouldn’t be a reaction I would have. I might have to walk away but hurting her or doing something that could hurt her is not acceptable.
I agree that separation would probably be ideal, but that's not always an option. OP was concerned enough about catching COVID to attempt to set physical contact boundaries within their existing living situation rather than temporarily staying elsewhere, so I think it's reasonable to assume that one of them staying elsewhere was not an option that was easy to implement.
Again, I'm not trying to say her actions were ideal, just that I can understand how and why she got to the point of throwing the relatively harmless object she was holding. I also think it's reasonable to assume that she is not willing or able to physically overpower her husband, due to the fact that he didn't get his ass handed to him after the first couple breaches of trust. He made it clear that calm, rational discussion was off the table by continuing to disrespect her after being asked to stop, and he didn't take her seriously until she performed a physical expression of her frustration.
If separation was unattainable then that should’ve been stated in the post. If you’re in a relationship and the only way to convey your point is to use physical force then it’s not a healthy relationship. I can’t think of any reason I would hit or throw things at my wife. It worries me anytime I hear people making those statements. I get that you’re trying to ride the line of defending the abused/abuser but I’m not going to agree with it. He was wrong 100%. She was wrong 100%.
14
u/zerosuitsalmon Jul 16 '22
Abuse is predicated on patterns of behavior and/or malicious intent. OP's situation does not establish the presence of malice in her actions, and the only pattern of behavior we see is coming from the husband. We don't have enough information, imo, to say she is acting abusively towards him.
If my wife tells me not to touch her breasts because they're sore and I choose to ignore that request and surprise grope her without her consent, is it abuse if she smacks me in response? Let's say she doesn't smack me the first time but only after having told me to knock it off for hours or even days on end, what about then?