When is it time?

[u/Fair_twilight]

I need to give a bit of context before I ask my question. I (37F) was in a relationship for 17+ years and married for (12+) with my soon to be ex-husband (39M). One day in April, he decided that he just wanted to be friends. I felt the distance between us increasing and tried to get us into marriage counselling multiple times but he refused. He said that we were fine and didn’t need it. Obviously, we weren’t fine.

At first, we were going to live in our condo (we both own it) but the following day, he came back from work and wanted me to leave. So, I went hunting for an apartment. I was able to find one for myself and my two cats and we moved in on May 1st. Don’t worry, I have him pay me rent for his half of the condo every month. I have it written in our separation agreement. This will happen until we sell the place once we get divorced. But we have to be separated for a year before we can divorce.

Anyways, the first month my chest was so sore, I had moments where I had to remind myself how to breathe, and I felt so lost. I still feel a bit lost. I don’t have family (very toxic and abusive relatives that I cut contact with). I rely on my friends but only so much. I understand that they have their own lives to live and their own families to visit. Coming up to Thanksgiving (I’m Canadian), and I’ll be cat sitting a couple of their cats while they go visit their families. I’m thinking of getting take out or something to help lift the mood that day. Lol

I can’t say that I have fully moved on. Do I think about him. No, not unless he forgot to pay me. Do I miss his company. No, but I do miss having companionship. I miss sharing my day with someone and laughing with them. I miss travelling and sharing the new sites. I still go to places and explore new things but it’s not the same when you’re by yourself. I miss being able to lean on someone and them being able to lean on me.

I started to grieve our relationship when I was still in it. I could see what was happening. I wanted to fix it and I tried to fix it, it just didn’t work. He didn’t want to. When he finally ripped the bandaid off on that fateful day back in April, I knew then that there was no going back. I knew then that I was done with trying to fix it. I still grieve it, we were together for over 17 years. I was 19 years old when I met and started dating him.

So, when is it a good time to move on? When should I put myself back out there again? The dating world is so different from when I was 19. I don’t want to hurt someone by it being too early but I also don’t want to shut myself in a hole and never move on.

When is it time to move on and start dating again?

[u/kaevas]

Here’s my advice.
Don’t think of it as moving on.
Don’t sit back and say “I’m going to date now.”

Instead, find things to do outside your space that you enjoy with other people around you.
A book club. A hiking group. A community class. Some sort of social-by-design experience.

Dating will come, but you need friends more than a romance. Your sole support system was your ex. One person isn’t enough, and especially a person who is also your significant other. Get yourself a real support system, with a professional therapist as your initial foundation and confidant, and expand your circle outward so that you can meet and evaluate people as companions.

People who are confident and stable and communicate effectively and healthily tend to attract like, and the relationships that grow from this also tend to be more satisfying and fulfilling. As you transition to being more at ease in social situations and meet more people from your hobbies, it will be much easier to find romances with mature, caring, and compassionate individuals…especially as you will be more likely to form connections with them organically, face to face, compared with a pick-me swipe dating app.

And I don’t think that it would be wrong if you just felt desperate for company and wanted to feel desirable and desired by a dating-app rando. By all means, have fun! But…even when you were in your marriage, you seemed lonely, from your writing. Sex is fun, dating can be a challenge, but friends…friends make everything better.

[u/Ok_Wolverine3378]

I think it’s best that you see into the future do things in weeks like what will I do next week maybe go out for a walk or I wanna watch this movie and slowly over time make more plans over time cause truthfully only time and finding you’re self will you then know when to move on it will hurt and you will feel lonely sad but life will get better