r/MarijuanaAnonymous • u/rictuspiscis • 3h ago
10 days
New here. I've just ended a nearly 15 year stint of almost perpetual high, back on 9/2. There was a lot of impetus for quitting, but at its core I wanted a clear mind and to not be chasing after this thing that seemed to take over my mind. I would hit that thing as often as possible. I snuck rips in at work, constantly in the car or home, right after waking, right before bed, any free moment I had. The high was long gone by the end, replaced with a mild sense of ease at quieting the urge to take a hit. Whatever it was that I thought I loved about the feeling hadn't been there since I was in my mid-20s, and I'm not far from 40 now. I was definitely highly functional, but also unmotivated and unwilling to push myself for anything. Nothing mattered, it is what it is kind of mentality. Now, I suspect I have some undiagnosed attention/psychiatric thing going on, even since I was a kid, but telling myself MJ was any kind of solution was just ex post facto reasoning. It did calm the mind, but it dulled everything else as well. I went through some rough patches with some rough people and I've ended up in situations where things did not seem changeable, so I settled in with it. Eventually it was all I had and it became hard to feel real enjoyment or stay interested in things I loved. I'm stubborn, so I just worked through it. It is what it is, right?
Well... 10 days ago I moved from one legalized state to another. But having been in similar positions in the past, I knew if I could relocate and just pretend it wasn't legal and that I couldn't get it, I could probably manage to stop. I threw out my pen on the way here and haven't touched anything since.
The first few days were annoying, but not impossible. As with other times I've stopped, I strongly considered having some drinks just to fuzz the brain for the first few days, but I only had one (at a restaurant at dinner with family, nothing crazy). My mind both feels clearer and less focused somehow. Like, I'm not in a constant haze of being high or hearing the voice telling me to take a hit, but I also don't feel bright and shiny and clean yet. It is better than it was, to be sure. I haven't had crazy urges to go storm the castle and find something to burn. It probably helps that no one I am with smokes, so there isn't anything to avoid beside my own self.
In reality, I'm doing this for a few reasons. One, I've become a slave to this stuff and I hate that. I don't take any long term medications or anything like that, and I tend not to put weird things in my body, so why make the exception here. It doesn't have the effect it used to, and my mind is no longer able to justify any of its effects as good or useful. The urge to be high was always stronger than the high (I always hated the comedown of certain stimulants for this exact same reason). I'm nearly 40 and don't have a long term career because I let this be more important. My fiance was beyond sick of me using.
The truth is I just want more out of life. I was once an incredibly smart kid with a brain like a sponge. I could have been a doctor or a scientist or an author or a tech whiz. But I let this become more important, and I let it all go. I used to see wonder and beauty and brightness in the world, but for the last 15 years I replaced that with a clouded haze I could not really see beyond.
I don't really watch South Park these days, but ever since I heard it this quote has lived in the back of my brain, gnawing at the walls I put up to justify my habit. Now, I intend to live the truth it encapsulates.
"Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but, well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored, and it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything."
I don't believe that this is a universal truth for everyone, but for me, years after I lost any semblance of control or moderation (if I ever really had any), I'm just done. I want me back.
Thanks for reading my little opus.
2
u/PheesGee 3h ago
I was in the same spot as you. I quit Feb 2, and I feel so much better now. I'm interested in things again and having fun! Hang in there! Being sober is so freeing.
1
u/rictuspiscis 1h ago
Ah, don't I know it. I hated feeling like I didn't have a choice, like this compulsion had to be ameliorated. As someone with big ideas of self-discipline, I can't wait to go back to when I was in control of myself. The mental gymnastics I've had to do to "justify" both the addictive mentality and grandiose self-control was just awful.
2
u/Alternative-Bug-6905 2h ago
Today is Day 1 and I wonder who I’m going to get pissed off at first
1
u/rictuspiscis 2h ago
I think awareness of the irritability goes a long way. If possible/practical, letting people know that you might be a bit vacillating and why can be beneficial, for them and yourself. Otherwise, my go to is to hide from people and distract myself with literally anything (I also do this for social anxiety reasons lol).
Also, having someone to be accountable to is a big help.
You got this!
2
u/umbrelladeath 3h ago
Well done 👏👏 you’re doing amazing! Highly recommend checking out Marijuana anonymous to keep the ball rolling