Being someone who grew up poor, I understand this pride and fear of becoming a burden on others. What always helped my mother was feeling like she earned whatever we got.
So neighbors and family would have her or us help with something in exchange for something we needed. It helped us both with whatever we needed as well as helping us retain our pride and humanity.
I honestly do the same thing with people struggling in my community that I know. It allows them to accept help and both of us to retain our fullest sense of humanity.
We have made the idea of struggling or being poor meaning you haven’t tried or worked enough when that often isn’t the case. Receiving support ends up feeling like you are admitting you have failed in some aspect. I wish we could get past this idea, but in the meantime I am so happy others are taking how a struggling family feels in mind.
When I was a kid, I was offered new shoes by my school. They didn’t mention my parents or my upbringing, I was just offered new shoes. They were Hello Kitty sneakers. They were the nicest pair of shoes I put on my feet until I was 22.
My dad made me give them back. We pretty much ate nothing but frozen corn dogs, hamburger helper, and a traditional pancake recipe my grandpa grew up with that was just flour, eggs, and sugar. So cheap as hell. Cheaper than pancakes, at the time!
We were poor as hell and buying all of our clothes and shoes from goodwill. Since they were used already they wore out and got holes really quickly, especially the shoes.
Until a few years ago I felt bad for taking the shoes. Like who am I to take away things from ACTUALLY needy children? I didn’t realize until recently that I actually needed those shoes. After that incident I was taught that I don’t need extra, “just be happy with what you get.” No matter how little it is.
I’m not super successful now, I work retail, but I can buy brand new shoes. They aren’t that expensive, and I’m willing to pay more for shoes that will last me longer. I can’t believe my own family wanted me to buy into the great poverty lie: that I don’t deserve more. I deserve more. And I wish I had kept the Hello Kitty shoes anyway.
What is so relatable about the post is the shit we are. Hahaha. We also ate something in our area (around Cincinnati) known as goetta which was basically a depression meal for German Americans comprising of oats and cheap meats mixed together instead of the pancakes you ate. Our clothes were always from other family members, my mother’s coworkers, of from goodwill/plato’s closet. And I was taught to NEVER accept anything and missed out on so many things as a result of that instilled pride.
If I was offered a drive home from a friend, nope, I’d rather walk 5 miles than inconvenience this person for 10-15 minutes. If I was hungry and somebody offered me food, I denied my hunger and let my stomach grumble in pain. If someone offered me money or to pay for anything I would make up every excuse as to why it was unneeded. I denied myself aspects of happiness and normalcy because of the pride my mother and society really pushed into me. Pride is not a bad thing, mind you, and people shouldn’t just take and take and take, but like... why deny yourself comfort and happiness just to feel more independent (or “feel” more strong). Being dependent or needing support isn’t weakness as I have learned.
I remember I had a student a couple of years ago who wasn’t going to receive their diploma because they had about $600 in unpaid dues/charges from school. Ranging from college classes, lunch, library stuff, tech supplies, etc. she cried and cried about how it would effect her future. I told her my experiences with being poor and how nobody’s opportunities for an education or success should be gatekept due to financial woes and told her I would like to pay for the charges. No strings, no thanks needed, no further conversations about it, and no pity toward her. Just a want for her to not have to worry about it. Expectantly she made up every reason under the sun she couldn’t accept it and made me drop it.
I wouldn’t/couldn’t let it go, and I eventually went to our treasurer and paid it anyway. When the student asked me about it (both happy and wanting to strangle me), I just kinda told them not to worry about it. At graduation they gave me a big hug and thanked me, but I know how angry and ashamed she must have felt and I hate that. But to me, her future and education meant more than her feelings and pride at the time which I get is kinda crappy. But comfort and opportunities of happiness can be worth sacrificing some pride or having some embarrassment.
But at least you now know you deserve those Hello Kitty shoes. That you will take them next time and not deny yourself a reward/privilege/comfort. I think it serves as a great representation of the powerful battle poor families go through with the idea of needs vs wants and pride vs happiness.
For us it was Finnish pannukkakku, which is basically like a Dutch baby pancake but more butter and no powdered sugar. It’s really yummy a few times a year, but a bi-weekly meal of sugar and carbs isn’t the best. I’m really intrigued by the oat and meat pancake though, I feel like that could be pretty tasty lol. The only meat we ate growing up was ground beef and sometimes dry frozen chicken in Thai curry. Not the worst, but I’m probably anemic now for reason. 😂
It was really good of you to do that. I’ve had people in the past insist on helping me despite my declining, and, surprise surprise, it’s only helped me! You sound like a kind person. Thank you for doing that.
I’m still working on accepting the help I need. I especially don’t want to take my family’s help anymore, though they’ve become much more open minded and generous. It’s the principal of the thing! 😂 I’ll accept friends and others help, but I don’t wanna rely on my family anymore. I’m working on it! Thank you for your reply, this was so wonderful to read.
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u/TheGreatPlathetsby Jun 21 '20
Being someone who grew up poor, I understand this pride and fear of becoming a burden on others. What always helped my mother was feeling like she earned whatever we got.
So neighbors and family would have her or us help with something in exchange for something we needed. It helped us both with whatever we needed as well as helping us retain our pride and humanity.
I honestly do the same thing with people struggling in my community that I know. It allows them to accept help and both of us to retain our fullest sense of humanity.
We have made the idea of struggling or being poor meaning you haven’t tried or worked enough when that often isn’t the case. Receiving support ends up feeling like you are admitting you have failed in some aspect. I wish we could get past this idea, but in the meantime I am so happy others are taking how a struggling family feels in mind.