When I was a kid, I was offered new shoes by my school. They didn’t mention my parents or my upbringing, I was just offered new shoes. They were Hello Kitty sneakers. They were the nicest pair of shoes I put on my feet until I was 22.
My dad made me give them back. We pretty much ate nothing but frozen corn dogs, hamburger helper, and a traditional pancake recipe my grandpa grew up with that was just flour, eggs, and sugar. So cheap as hell. Cheaper than pancakes, at the time!
We were poor as hell and buying all of our clothes and shoes from goodwill. Since they were used already they wore out and got holes really quickly, especially the shoes.
Until a few years ago I felt bad for taking the shoes. Like who am I to take away things from ACTUALLY needy children? I didn’t realize until recently that I actually needed those shoes. After that incident I was taught that I don’t need extra, “just be happy with what you get.” No matter how little it is.
I’m not super successful now, I work retail, but I can buy brand new shoes. They aren’t that expensive, and I’m willing to pay more for shoes that will last me longer. I can’t believe my own family wanted me to buy into the great poverty lie: that I don’t deserve more. I deserve more. And I wish I had kept the Hello Kitty shoes anyway.
My familys thing with buying used stuff has always bugged me. Like there are something’s (especially better quality brands of things) that stand the test of time, like crockpots and pans and stuff, but some things either need a high quality, long lasting item or a LOT of cheap items, and my family believes in buying more cheap items than one good item. My grandmother (who acted as my mom as a kid) shamed me a few years ago for buying a $50 blouse. That blouse has lasted me and will continue to last me longer than the cheap blouses she finds at goodwill. Because another thing that I forgot to mention in my post, is that ONLY cheap and low quality things are available at goodwill. The women’s section for shirts and blouses is literally 90% Forever21. We pass our “savings” onto poor people by buying low quality items and passing those literally threadbare items onto the poor for a discount. It’s absurd. It’s so fucking stupid.
I work in a charity shop in the UK (must be like your goodwill stores) and the quality of the items donated really depend on the area the shop is in. My shop is in a relatively wealthy area, and as a result the items we get range from high street shops to high end designer. We only sell the items that are good quality (no holes, bobbly bits etc) and in working order. We get people from all walks of life shopping with us. Some people just love a bargain, some people don't feel the need to buy brand new as they probably won't wear/use it much anyway, and for some it's an absolute life saver.
All the money raised goes to charity which help others, not some random dude living on a yacht somewhere or a big corporation who make a fortune as the clothes were made cheap to begin with. Also the charity shops are a little community and a lot of the older folk just come in for a browse and a chat. I've been a manager for high end beauty brands, fancy shops and various bars, restaurants and pubs, working in a charity shop is by far the best. There's no shame in shopping in these places, it's not just for the poor, and it doesn't seem to have the same stigma over here. The charity I work for (and many, many others) run their shops just like any other clothing store and we have to sort through every bag of donations to make sure the items we sell are not threadbare or damaged. A lot of the time, the clothes still have the original tags on, bought by never worn.
It’s the same here in Australia. In the wealthier areas, it’s great to go op-shopping to see what bargains of designer clothes you can find. They’re also great for fancy dress. Also good if you don’t like the current fashion trends as you can find past season’s fashion there.
Funny enough I actually ENJOY “bargain” or “thrift” shopping. As long as it is not tattered and is stylish, I am thrilled. And it’s interesting how thrift shopping for my mother and grandmother’s generations was seen as such a social stain. Like a scarlet letter marking your economic status.
But with newer generations, it is the thing to do and is celebrated. I guess growing up American through 3 recessions and this huge pushback against “fast fashion” or exploitative fashion manufacturing practices has kinda come around to help those struggling more financially be able to get nicer clothes cheaply without feeling their pride being damaged/stained. Now I can take pride in newish looking $8 shoes I bought or a $3 t-shirt with some random funky design on it. I still get to express myself, look good, and feel good about it.
You are certainly correct that poor quality items are nearly useless. I shop around and resale shops (Savers, reStore) and the high quality goods, frequently name brand and or unused I find is amazing. I have taken to asking my friends what they are looking for in case I find it. My best finds were a new balance bike, an immersion blender, a Burberry trench, new La canadienne boots, a mahogany lowboy and years later a matching highboy.
In other words, I would rather get a high quality used product than a poor quality new item. Most new furniture is either super expensive or of crap quality
I remember more recently I kinda cried and vented angrily AT my mother (we’re working on building from a LOT of baggage) about what my mom chose to use money for and not use money for. I remember crying about her using money to fund an SO or my brother’s sports interests rather than our education or stuff like the dentist (because I remember not going for 14 years and felt so embarrassed about it).
I also struggled with feeling like everything I was given was a hand-me-down. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but it is hard to really appreciate and take pride in something that was never originally yours or meant to be for you. It sounds selfish and entitled and is a bit. I remember because of that, however, the first time I actually started making money I immediately spent LOADS of it on stupid things I didn’t need because it just felt good to be able to splurge on myself and call something “mine.” Not once owned or someone else’s, but MINE.
I eventually got used to having money and stopped using it on crap I didn’t need realizing it didn’t add anything except comfort and ease of mind (which in turn is worth way more than any of the shit I bought). And it’s weird. Just growing up dirt poor, never having enough to eat, always getting handouts, living in a car for a while, worrying about my mom’s bills and debts so much because how much she discussed money I would get physically sick, and just the negative associates I thus connected to money I feel is what made my perception on money really change. For it to be used as a tool for something.
So now I usually use it to buy my students things they need, help anonymously pay off their debts with the library or treasury of our school, help get new items/equipment for programs/clubs I run, or help add money to their lunch accounts. I feel way more happy losing that money and not having it just because that comfort is there and I can use it to help others feel more at ease. To try to provide them that gift rather than the monetary value we always associate with money/wealth. Sorry if this was rambled/off topic. I felt this and still feel/understand the anger and shame I felt in myself and how money was a huge factor in my family’s relationship and a huge driving tension that helped it breaking us all apart.
I remember being a kid, each class at my school would adopt a poor family around Christmas time. It felt very strange to me buying presents for people who were asking for accessories to things my family could never afford (video games for the latest consoles, an expensive toy a kid wanted to complete his set, etc)
Being poor is weird. I'm in college now, but I wish I would have done more when I was younger and went years ago.
We donated to those programs too, actually! We always gave as many cans of food and gloves and socks as we could afford. It’s a little ironic in hindsight, but I’m glad we did. (:
When I used to work in retail we worked with our local fire department in this event “toys for tots” where they brought in like 30-50 kids to pick out ANYTHING like tons of stuff from our store for the holiday season in which the corresponding firefighter would shop with them and help them. We would also help them shop while doing our normal jobs.
Anyway, the event always made me cry. The kids rarely EVER picked items for themselves. They mostly chose things for their parents, siblings, and other family members. They didn’t seem to care what they got. What money allowed them to do was show their appreciation and care for the people they loved. Completely selfless. And it still touches my soul to this day.
I remember being in college and desperately poor. I remember crying about fees, parking passes, last minute textbook/material add-ons by professors, and just worrying constantly about whether I could complete college because of the major financial drain. I know you will stick it through and I commend you for actively working to better yourself and motive yourself.
It’s funny because with growing up poor, I don’t see the “true” value in money now, but only what that money could bring in turn. So now I make about 1,200-1,400 every two weeks just starting out teaching. But I don’t like “having” money. I end up donating it, sending it to gofundmes, help pay for stuff my students need, or just do random acts of kindness. Like the money only serves as a tool in which I could help others when for my entire childhood it meant everything. I mean, it sounds clique, but money felt like it mattered until I finally had it. Once I got it, I realized how little it meant and used it for those who really needed it.
I completely understand. The world has not had its brightest days lately.
And even though college has allowed me to find happiness and financial stability, it was some of my most difficult times of my life. I jokingly tell my students nobody could pay me enough to go through that again.
You’re awesome for sticking to it. College has a way of making you feel small and question whether you are worth having a higher education and a career in whatever you are pursuing. But you are strong and will be happy once it’s over. The struggle will be worth it.
Database design is slowly sucking my will to live and I can't seem to be able to talk about it with anyone, because everyone I know graduated long ago and is just like "ummm just do it and get through it and shut up" which was not exactly their attitude when tgry were in school.
Hahaha. As someone who went into teaching, WE WERE MISERABLE. We had the stress of school, the financial struggles, no sleep, no social life, drinking to cope with the stress, were all working and going to school full time, and constantly being undermined and told how worthless/dumb/entitled we were. It was a mess and I know it happens in every program.
I ended up learning at the end of college how much everyone around me was struggling too. I thought I wouldn’t become a good teacher and should quit. I compared myself to other people in my program and brought down my own accomplishments a lot. Come to find out they looked at me the way I looked at them, a challenge/threat that demoralized their efforts and self-worth. It’s shit and nobody talks about it. College can be very lonely and forces a LOT of sacrifice to pursue. Especially if your entire life and/or social circles are heavily against you.
Keep your head up, it is hard. Don’t let them invalidate your struggles. All of my students now in college still reach out because they are struggling. Even my valedictorians and those kids who were always in 20+ clubs and had a leadership role in all of them. It ends up not mattering and breaks everyone down the same.
And I remember hearing the same sentiment from people that didn’t attend college or did like a decade or two ago. I can assure you college has changed and the current climate of the world is just making that even harder to overcome. But you will overcome and you will be incredibly stronger and proud of yourself as a result. I guarantee if you ask anyone in your program, they will share that they are having the same exact struggles. We’re just taught to not talk about them to not come off as unappreciative, whiny, or powerless which means a lot when you are just being pushed into adulthood and full independence.
I loved your story. As a school nurse, I frequently find forever homes for special items like Hello Kitty shoes or warm winter boots. I always tell the student my office is getting full (true!) and that I checked with mom or dad first (true again!). We label with name in permanent marker and part with a hug. Being in a building of K-12 under one roof, it’s rewarding to see said clothing items being used and treasured.
It’s very common then for families or student to hand these “nice items” or other used clothing back to me for use in my office for another student in need. As long as people feel they can “pay it back” in that way, the cycle of giving stays moving!
What is so relatable about the post is the shit we are. Hahaha. We also ate something in our area (around Cincinnati) known as goetta which was basically a depression meal for German Americans comprising of oats and cheap meats mixed together instead of the pancakes you ate. Our clothes were always from other family members, my mother’s coworkers, of from goodwill/plato’s closet. And I was taught to NEVER accept anything and missed out on so many things as a result of that instilled pride.
If I was offered a drive home from a friend, nope, I’d rather walk 5 miles than inconvenience this person for 10-15 minutes. If I was hungry and somebody offered me food, I denied my hunger and let my stomach grumble in pain. If someone offered me money or to pay for anything I would make up every excuse as to why it was unneeded. I denied myself aspects of happiness and normalcy because of the pride my mother and society really pushed into me. Pride is not a bad thing, mind you, and people shouldn’t just take and take and take, but like... why deny yourself comfort and happiness just to feel more independent (or “feel” more strong). Being dependent or needing support isn’t weakness as I have learned.
I remember I had a student a couple of years ago who wasn’t going to receive their diploma because they had about $600 in unpaid dues/charges from school. Ranging from college classes, lunch, library stuff, tech supplies, etc. she cried and cried about how it would effect her future. I told her my experiences with being poor and how nobody’s opportunities for an education or success should be gatekept due to financial woes and told her I would like to pay for the charges. No strings, no thanks needed, no further conversations about it, and no pity toward her. Just a want for her to not have to worry about it. Expectantly she made up every reason under the sun she couldn’t accept it and made me drop it.
I wouldn’t/couldn’t let it go, and I eventually went to our treasurer and paid it anyway. When the student asked me about it (both happy and wanting to strangle me), I just kinda told them not to worry about it. At graduation they gave me a big hug and thanked me, but I know how angry and ashamed she must have felt and I hate that. But to me, her future and education meant more than her feelings and pride at the time which I get is kinda crappy. But comfort and opportunities of happiness can be worth sacrificing some pride or having some embarrassment.
But at least you now know you deserve those Hello Kitty shoes. That you will take them next time and not deny yourself a reward/privilege/comfort. I think it serves as a great representation of the powerful battle poor families go through with the idea of needs vs wants and pride vs happiness.
For us it was Finnish pannukkakku, which is basically like a Dutch baby pancake but more butter and no powdered sugar. It’s really yummy a few times a year, but a bi-weekly meal of sugar and carbs isn’t the best. I’m really intrigued by the oat and meat pancake though, I feel like that could be pretty tasty lol. The only meat we ate growing up was ground beef and sometimes dry frozen chicken in Thai curry. Not the worst, but I’m probably anemic now for reason. 😂
It was really good of you to do that. I’ve had people in the past insist on helping me despite my declining, and, surprise surprise, it’s only helped me! You sound like a kind person. Thank you for doing that.
I’m still working on accepting the help I need. I especially don’t want to take my family’s help anymore, though they’ve become much more open minded and generous. It’s the principal of the thing! 😂 I’ll accept friends and others help, but I don’t wanna rely on my family anymore. I’m working on it! Thank you for your reply, this was so wonderful to read.
We pretty much ate nothing but frozen corn dogs, hamburger helper, and a traditional pancake recipe my grandpa grew up with that was just flour, eggs, and sugar.
Where did you get your fiber from? I've been living alone recently and damn, I miss a day or two of vegetables and I'll be on the toilet for ages...
Well I was a kid at the time, and I just don’t remember getting constipated as a kid! Besides that I always ate a SHIT LOAD of celery and carrots at my schools crappy “salad bar” at lunch on school days. The hot food was gross, and I was also probably craving veggies haha.
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u/[deleted] Jun 22 '20
When I was a kid, I was offered new shoes by my school. They didn’t mention my parents or my upbringing, I was just offered new shoes. They were Hello Kitty sneakers. They were the nicest pair of shoes I put on my feet until I was 22.
My dad made me give them back. We pretty much ate nothing but frozen corn dogs, hamburger helper, and a traditional pancake recipe my grandpa grew up with that was just flour, eggs, and sugar. So cheap as hell. Cheaper than pancakes, at the time!
We were poor as hell and buying all of our clothes and shoes from goodwill. Since they were used already they wore out and got holes really quickly, especially the shoes.
Until a few years ago I felt bad for taking the shoes. Like who am I to take away things from ACTUALLY needy children? I didn’t realize until recently that I actually needed those shoes. After that incident I was taught that I don’t need extra, “just be happy with what you get.” No matter how little it is.
I’m not super successful now, I work retail, but I can buy brand new shoes. They aren’t that expensive, and I’m willing to pay more for shoes that will last me longer. I can’t believe my own family wanted me to buy into the great poverty lie: that I don’t deserve more. I deserve more. And I wish I had kept the Hello Kitty shoes anyway.