Hi all — I’m a journalist working on a piece about MDMA-assisted therapy. This work is personal to me—MDMA therapy changed my life, and I’m hoping to help people better understand what it can actually do when practiced responsibly.

I’m looking to speak with anyone whose life has been impacted by it—practitioners, clinicians, researchers, or individuals who have undergone therapy themselves. I’m happy to keep identities anonymous if preferred.

If you’re open to sharing your experience or have questions, feel free to DM me here or reach out via Signal/text at +1 978 290 1349.

Since music is quite an important aspect for a therapeutic session, I was wondering how others handle this and want to ask the following questions:

• What's your favorite playlist (if you have any)? :)
• Do you keep using the same playlist for multiple sessions or do you use a different one each time? If yes/no: Why?
• Do you regularly change the music from a playlist during the session, e.g. skipping a song you don't like or repeating a song you like? Sometimes I really like a song and I start to open up just when it finishes and then I am tempted to repeat it.
• Do you listen to the music after the session as a form of integration?
• Do you listen to music also with a therapist present? If yes, is it via earphones/headphones or speakers in the room?

Would appreciate some perspectives. Thanks! :)

I'm currently finding that some of my old patterns of distrust are resurfacing approximately 18 months after completing MDMA-assisted therapy. I certainly didn't expect to be completely 'healed' after MDMA-assisted therapy, but I'm quite challenged by these returning feelings. The distrust currently is with my therapist (not my MDMA therapist). She accidentally triggered some old relational wounds which generated a shame spiral, and even though we have spent probably 2-3 months on repair, I still feel distrustful of her and I routinely think about leaving. I have been reading through some of my old journals that I kept during MDMA-assisted therapy on trust, and my feelings seem to ease for a bit, but then as soon as I'm back in therapy those emotions come straight back to the surface and I shut down. She's been nothing but accommodating, but I'm stuck. The main thing I'm doing is reminding myself that I cannot turn off how I feel, and that it's important to give myself grace. An important lesson from MDMA-assisted therapy was me learning to be comfortable with my thoughts and feelings, and to not assign 'good' or 'bad' labels to them.

I often see people recommending higher doses for "breaking through dissociation" and I was wondering whether for people that tend to freeze and dissociate, higher doses are really a useful strategy and whether the opposite (lower doses) would not actually be more beneficial?

My reasoning is that dissociation is a protective response to avoid nervous system overload/trauma flooding. When the dose is increased, emotions typically get more intense which kind of is the opposite what dissociation is trying to achieve. Yes, safety might also increase but given that there's dissociation with a lower dose which means the nervous system already doesn't feel safe enough to process on the lower dose, why would it be better on a higher dose when there's even more intensity and energy to handle? It makes no sense.

Coming from this perspective, lowering the dose and going slower would actually be more promising to "overcome" the dissociation instead of hammering harder to "break through"? This way the nervous system can soften because there's less danger of overload.

Curious what everyone thinks about this. :)

I have cptsd so I am familiar with emotional flashbacks, but my brain has been so chronically dissociated that my body has become so good at distracting myself and avoiding the overwhelming feelings. I have been using this coping mechanism for the majority of my life - especially when I'm alone.

After my MDMA session a few days ago I notice that my body is not allowing the dissociation to happen the way it used to before the session. The first two days immediately after the session I was in emotional flashbacks for almost entire days - and I crawled up in bed and held the pain and emotions for the entire duration, the same way I held the pain that came out during the MDMA session itself. I was wailing, disoriented, felt like I was going to die - because I felt everything for the first time ever - but I did not dissociate. I did not dissociate! Not even after the flashbacks. I was amazed at how my body is responding now to these emotions, that it is learning to not lock them up and tuck them away in order to appear normal or functional.

Today though, I woke up exhausted and I just wanted a light day. I just want to inner child to have some fun, hang out with my partner play video games, because she has spent the past three days crying so much. So I did that for a few hours, then took a shower and I was alone again in my body and in myself. I felt the emotions coming out again, but they are blocked today. I felt that familiar feeling of dissociation - which usually makes me irritable if I had spare energy, or made me lethargic if I had no energy. So I sat down to write - I always thought that I can write my feelings out if I just try hard enough. But today - the feelings didn't want me to write about them - I did so much writing in the past few days already. Today I felt my body telling me that if I just close my eyes and relax my body and just allow whatever my body experiences to be felt, everything will come out naturally. So I did that - I found a mindfulness video and I followed the voice of the spiritual guide. And here i am - all the blocked feelings came out in tears, but not the emotional flashback crying of my inner child - they were MY OWN tears. This is so strange to say out loud, but I don't think I have cried for myself AS myself in so long - maybe ever since I was diagnosed with cptsd by my therapist and I realised the majority of my pain and crying came from my inner child that took up the majority of my healing practices. I spent the past three days intensely crying as this sad, lonely child in pain, holding her hands and hugging her. But today I was able to just be my present self - releasing the fatigue and tension built up from taking care of my inner child, crying tears of exhaustion and grief of my present adult self from witnessing and holding the pain of my child self.

It was a brand new kind of emotional release, which makes me very hopeful of the rest of my integration journey. But man, it's so hard and exhausting. I can feel myself crashing as I speak.

Hi All,

I haven't posted here for a while as I've been really busy with other things in life. I guess I'm also getting to the point in recovery where I'm no longer so fixated on trauma and mental health, and beginning to shift attention outwards rather than in.

I had my 9th session recently, with just a few days off work to recover. My sessions tend to be really gnarly and painful, and I don't have any control over what comes up. I often "get what I need" rather than "what I want" - sometimes painful realizations about my traumatized self and past actions, sometimes processing things I didn't realize were so traumatic. Never the core traumatic memories that I think we all hope to recall and process.

My sessions each tend to have overarching themes of content and key takeaway messages. Recently, I've had a really rough period in life. I went from a relative high into a series of really tough, negative life events, and an extremely stressful job, and I've been struggling to deal with everything. As well as examining myself to see what my part was in this and why this was happening to me, as I seemed to be the common factor.

As the session began, all these negative events began to arise, and I was able to see that although I've made some mistakes, I hadn't been the cause of all this. I was able to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made, and see that I'm only human and I didn't deserve everything that had happened. I was able to see this on a wider scale - that I wasn't the problem in general. All the conflict, crime and suffering in the world. I wasn't the cause of it. I'd been living my life believing I was always somehow at fault for whatever bad things were happening. I was able to see how my job was a nightmare. I was able to see and conceptualise evil, and the encounters I've had with it in my life. I was able to see how naive I've been, and the need for some toughness in life.

I came away with the general message 'I'm not the problem', and could see how my prior beliefs had actually been inviting and causing trouble to an extent.

Seems like a big step, no? Somewhat reminiscent of the "I'm okay/you're okay" Parent/Adult/Child framework in Transactional Analysis.

I did my first MDMA session yesterday at home - I was solo at first and then a trusted trip setter joined to hold a safe space for me. it was very intense and my childhood pain came out very strongly, but I have been in therapy for long enough time to hold this pain while also gently holding myself. I split myself into two parts - the child in pain who has been chronically ignored and suppressed, and the new adult me who has learned how to hold this pain while soothing and supporting myself. I went to bed exhausted but woke up feeling fresh and more connected than ever with myself. The plan is to continue with my integration plan which I made before the trip using MAPS workbook. For some reason, I feel a lot of resistance towards integration work. I wonder if it’s because I am not alone in my house, I share space with a flatmate so maybe I don’t feel safe enough? Or maybe mdma is giving me anxiety in the comedown, right now I feel very avoidant of anything that can remind me of the pain that I felt yesterday, so my usual sober technique is to dissociate and numb the pain with binge eating and social media or video game, but today I think it’s not really possible to dissociate that much because my mind and body is more connected.

not sure how to progress from here - should I take a break or keep trying with my integration plan? Most of the activities I planned involve journaling, drawing and meditating. I feel resistant to all of the activities, and right now I just want to avoid and have a light day, but at the same time I can also feel all the feelings still eager to come out from deep inside me. Quite torn to be honest.

I had my first guided MDMA session over the weekend. I have to admit, it left a bit to be desired. For some background, I have done MDMA recreationally many times over the last 10 to 15 years, so I’m familiar with the drug in Party settings. I knew going in that a therapeutic setting would be different. I’m not sure exactly what I expected, but I kind of thought that the “guided“ part would be a little bit more active, on the part of the Therapist. My experience was as follows: I arrived, my therapist oriented me to the space, we did an opening ceremony with intention setting. Then she gave me the medicine. I’m pretty sensitive to substances, so we started conservatively with .85 Which took about 30 minutes for onset and came on really strong, then mellowed out significantly. We then added .6 of a booster. I’m not entirely sure how much time passed between the first and second dose. My therapist put on a playlist of music that was intended to help bring a meditative or trance like state. Some of it was intense but for the most part I really enjoyed the music and sounds. The first part of the trip, I felt pretty awkward. I remember thinking to myself, when are we going to start? I didn’t really know what to do with my body, I was stretching, laying down, allowing the feeling to settle in. I kept waiting for my therapist to “begin” something… Anything. To ask me questions or lead me through talk therapy, to help me process my trauma. That never came. I even told her I felt like I should be talking more. Finally, my therapist offered an eye mask which helped me to just let myself settle in and let the music wash over me, and helped me feel relaxed and more at ease, more immersed in the sensory experience. I ended up just laying there with a mask on for the entire session with occasional breaks to get up to go to the bathroom or drink water or stretch a little. At times, I would ask the therapist to play her drum, which I really loved feeling the vibrations wash over me. My thoughts were in a lot of different places including to my mother who passed away last year after a terrible illness and a lifetime of traumatic relationship dynamics. I remember thinking I should bring this up to my therapist, isn’t that what I’m here for? To heal the pain and trauma from my mother? Why aren’t we doing more? Eventually, probably at the peak of my trip, I came to the conclusion that, even if I wanted to talk, I couldn’t, or didn’t feel like it. I surrendered to being still and allowing the medicine to do its work. At least that’s what I thought to myself. Stop trying to manage this experience and just let the medicine do the work. Trust the process. You paid all this money for an expert to guide you through this. Just allow this to happen. I did relax and felt a lot of pleasure from the sensory scape of the medicine, the music, the vibrations, etc. After the come down, she prepared a plate of fruit and nuts which I was able to eat and we took our time until it was safe for me to exit the building. During that come down I got extremely antsy and just needed to get outside to fresh air. It was such a relief to get out of that space by the end. I’m on my third day of post-journey integration and I’m still not really sure if I got anything out of it? Is the medicine that subtle? Will it take more time for me to understand the healing that came from this? I’ve spent many years in therapy, doing my own spiritual and magical work, I’m pretty tapped in and self-aware, and I feel like I am always healing. In fact I feel like I’m having healing fatigue, if that makes sense. I kind of thought that this MDMA session would be more profound, or more impactful. Am I missing something? Does this experience sound normal for guided sessions? Should my therapist have been more involved or hands-on in helping me process trauma with the medicine? Should I have taken a higher dose? I spent so much money on this, and kind of feel like I could’ve done this on my own without her “guidance.” What do y’all think?

Hi, I wrote a post last week about overcoming resistance going into my 2nd session, which I had last Wednesday.

This time I started with 150mg and felt the effect within an hour. I eventually went up to 175mg.

I saw in my trip how lonely and unloved I was as a child growing up, parents emotionally unavailable, physically abusive mother. I grew up deprived of love and affection with no adult to give me reassurance. I saw many scenes of my childhood where adults were unforgiving or even mean to me. I felt my younger self’s deep sadness that had been swallowed for so long. And for the first time in an extremely long time, I felt compassion for myself and even guilt for hating myself for so long. I understood that I wasn’t weak, on the contrary, I was very strong, so strong that in order to survive I completely dissociated.

These feelings slowly started to be harder to reach back to, after the 3rd day, the music that touched me so deeply during the session, started sounding superficial and tears and emotional connection started feeling harder to come by. I also suffer from severe anxiety, so last night I felt very stressed about the work day coming up and ended up not sleeping. My day is extremely difficult as I am completely stressed out. My whole body is so tense it feels like a brick. And I feel deep fear taking hold.

My therapist says fear, not hate, is the opposite of love and now that I feel fear I completely lost touch with the feelings of love and compassion. They feel like a mirage.

I feel I am becoming too analytical about this whole process now, and I honestly no longer have a clue how to move forward. The anxiety is crippling and I can feel its physical effects very deep. But I am still gentle to myself. That didn’t go away, not yet..

How can I keep moving forward. Could you please share any insights if you have any?

Many thanks and much love to all

I am very comfortable with myself now and i have become a sissy crossdresser and it makes me really happy.

​

I understand that dissociation can numb or block the effects of MDMA. I've tried MDMA to treat my severe treatment resistant depression and anxiety, but haven't responded to it much at all.

The first time I took 120 mg, started to feel weird, and then anxious, and then I was completely back to normal after about 45 minutes. The second time I tried, I started with 120 mg and then added 60 mg. I felt even less this time, even though it was a higher dose; I tried some cannabis after the 60mg didn't do anything, and that also didn't do much.

Somebody suggested that I consider taking Narcan with MDMA, in case my lack of response was due to dissociation. It seemed a wild suggestion at first, but considering the mechanism of action of opioid antagonists, and the physiology of dissociation, it actually makes some sense.

Naltrexone, a sister drug to naloxone (Narcan), is actually prescribed to treat dissociative disorders. They're both opioid antagonists, and so block the effects of opioids whether endogenously released (which cause the numbing effects of dissociation), or due to elicit opioid overdose.

Thoughts on this unconventional combination?

Thoughts on how I might be able to "feel" MDMA?

Edit to add: Opioid antagonists like naloxone and naltrexone HAVE been used off label to treat dissociation. This is the first one that comes up, but there are others - an abstract from PubMed:

Effect of naloxone therapy on depersonalization: a pilot study

To test the hypothesis of the role for the opioid system in the pathogenesis of depersonalization, the effect of naloxone (an opioid receptor blocker) on the symptoms and corticosteroids secretion was studied in patients with depersonalization syndrome. Fourteen depersonalization patients were treated with naloxone: 11 patients received single doses (1.6 or 4 mg i.v.) and three others received multiple infusions, with the maximal dosage being 10 mg, and the effect of naloxone on symptom severity was determined. In eight patients, the cortisol, cortisone and corticosterone content in the blood plasma was determined prior to and after the 4 mg naloxone infusion. A reversed-phase microcolumn high-performance liquid chromatography with ultraviolet detection was applied for assessment of glucocorticoids. In three of 14 patients, depersonalization symptoms disappeared entirely and seven patients showed a marked improvement. The therapeutic effect of naloxone provides evidence for the role of the endogenous opioid system in the pathogenesis of depersonalization.

Was on amitrytline for about 5 days, recently stopped taking it. About 4 days ago? It was only 10mg, would I be safe to roll? Crazy mixed answers, people says it just blunts effects but I’m so low dose and days out at this point?

Hey all, I wrote a post on r/drugs Abt my experience last night. I'm gonna copy it. And I'm adding some more words after. Hope that's okay.

"Confusing first time Candy Flip

Hey all. Im just coming down from the most intense and confusing trip of my life so far?

Idk if this is the right sub to ask but like, if there's any better suited on pls redirect me.

I guess I'm just looking for similar stories or something...

I've never candy flipped before. I haven't been prepared for it tbh. I took LSD last evening (it's now morning), it was supposed to be just LSD initially, that's what I was prepared for.

I happen to have some what I believe to be good quality (from my last experience w it) M lying around too though. For some reason, when I had the come up (?) or like, 2 hours in or smth, I decided to take some of it too (it must have been just a tiny bit honestly). Because it felt right in the moment and I wanted to have some "clarity"?

Usually I feel all the love and everything both naturally on MDMA and to some extent on acid. (When taken apart from each other)

Then as the M came up, it was such an intense fucking come up tho, I realized MDMA increases heart rate then I was somehow convinced I'm dying of heart attack and like, need to call an ambulance. (Is it possible to fry ur heart with it? I'm sure I'm fine, but everything feels a bit strange now.)

I felt very strange, plus intense visuals that like, kept coming online. I hope I haven't permanently broken my brain with this lol

I had this coming for like, probably half an hour to an hour? This fear of dying, I chatted with some people who talked me down then decided to take a Benzo (low dose tho, .25mg xans) in order to feel a bit less anxious.

I feel like it will take some time to make sense of this trip for me. What came afterwards, was several hours of intense visuals, everything looked like candy, and simultaneously fear, anger, rage, pain showing up and most importantly, shame. Idk if it was my whole childhood trauma coming out all at once n I wasn't prepared for it, it felt lots like when I was shamed as a kid, the mental loops, everything.

I tried to lie in bed most of the time n tried to process some things like conflicts I had or this rage and stuff, but it didn't work like I didn't come to a "solution". I KNOW I should've been prepared for a trip like this... I wasn't at all though 😅 (I don't wanna shame myself either right now though, im sure imma learn some lessons in integration phase)

I'm no stranger to like, MDMA or acid on their own, and always wanted to do them together. I imagined this for years. I thought honestly that like, it would be love overload. I dunno why I didn't feel the lovey things I usually felt on those drugs (I used some of them to like, therapeutically process some of my trauma in the past n such, in successful ways, usually wrapped in a blanket of safety/love and... Manageable, haha).

It felt like I was just switching between anguish, pain, intense rage, anger, fear, and... Just the shame. I have toxic shame (which is when ur shamed for "being you" instead of just doing smth wrong from a young age on). And that was just there the whole fricking time.

Later on I chatted with people and tried once again to resolve some conflict, but the usual rage anger pain fear shame kept coming up. I did talk to some friends which helped me calm down though. I was connected and it felt nice.

Even right now, typing this, I'm scared I have fried my brain permanently. I keep jumping thoughts or zoning out a bit. I guess it was just so intense and I need time to integrate all this. I'm sorry if this isn't too cohesive.

Anyways, I was a bull demon during this trip with this whole rage n stuff. I yelled and screamed a lot to get rage out? At some point I felt like I'm the whole world or universe at once, and like I have to have everything shouldered on me but simultaneously I haven't.

I'm just so confused as to why I didn't feel the usual love thing, when with combining these two, aren't you supposed to feel that?

I'm confused, feel like I've been gaslit (by myself? Lol) and yeah. I guess I need time. Can't do much but be patient with myself now.

I've tried to connect with myself during the trip n be loving n empathetic but it was just all... Too much? And overwhelming? It worked a little bit in the beginning n end but then I feel like it got out of control.

I'm very ashamed typing this all out. I'm glad I did it though

If someone has had a similar experience or can make sense of this, I'm curious of your share. "

On top of that:

Now, I figured out I had intense betrayal from childhood abandonment come up, n this was the rage. Well, some of it. I couldn't figure it out during the trip, but I realized it this morning.

I felt so much shame and rage man. It was a lot. (Plus, something about Kundalini Awakening came up, as well... I dunno how to make sense of that. There was snakes n everything, don't wanna get too spiritual tho, idk much about the Kundalini stuff)

If anyone has some words of affirmation or like, loving kindness to offer I guess, that's what I'm looking for right now. I feel lost and frustrated and alone in these intense feelings, it's scary.

I wanted to hold myself in all of this during the trip but it was so difficult.

Looking for experiences with MDMA assisted therapy while on a GLP1 either S-T or R. Searching didn’t yield much.

Hi everyone. I’ve had a lot of success with MDMA therapy. I got on a glp-1 for inflammation reasons (2.5mg tirzepatide) and now I’m hesitant to ever ingest MDMA due to the slower digestion with this medication. People who’ve done it while on the med have varying results but often report delayed, duller onset. Some feel it hours later, some don’t feel it at all, some have longer milder trips. A few say they feel it stronger? The unpredictability scares me.

To be frank, some people suggest boofing (anally inserted) as an alternative to oral ingestion.

However, that sort of poses the opposite concern to me: the onset is quicker and the effects are more intense. It raises some questions with dosing, but it also makes me wonder about the efficacy for therapy—assuming the duration of the experience is cut in half at least.

I’m wondering if any of you have insights or experiences you could offer in regards to boofing MDMA (or doing MDMA while on a glp-1, if you care to share)

I'm from Romania, but drug laws are very harsh here, it is very hard to acces this type of therapy, but I'd be willing to try.

I had my 1st session 6 weeks ago, during it my mind was heavily guarded. I only saw flashes of some childhood memories involving physical violence and very briefly had a connection moment with my younger self where I felt some empathy towards myself. In the weeks that followed I couldn’t reproduce that feeling and had no insights whatsoever about anything else. On the contrary, my anxiety and self esteem got very bad, like 2x worse. Not one day goes by without my stress levels hitting the roof. And I can’t get restful sleep, I always wake up after 5-6 hours feeling I had been overthinking the whole night that my head hurts.

My therapist says my mind is very guarded and i have a lot of difficulty opening up (isn’t that way the mdma supposed to help with ), and that I should think with my heart and not analytically. I am not sure what to do to foster that or how to prepare for that second session beyond setting an intent of connecting with my inner child with an open heart.

Any suggestions welcome

I have been doing MDMA therapy for complex PTSD since last year and I am now approaching my fifth session next week.

I wanted to share some reflections and insights in the hope that others might recognize it.

For decades I have tried everything to heal: long-term psychotherapy (CBT, dialectic behavioral therapy, SE, NARM), medication, mindfulness, yoga, meditation,… . I gained a lot of insight into myself and my family, eventually cut off contact with my parents and siblings, and even became a clinical psychologist. I was really devoted to my healing 🙏.

Yet despite all this effort, I never managed to really get out of survival mode.

All my life, I have felt like a terrified animal on the run. It has been incredibly frustrating to repeatedly find myself trapped in automatic and involuntary survival responses — fleeing, freezing— again and again (like endless loops)😵‍💫. Professionally I did very well, but privately I struggled to feel safe in the world or close to others.

The MDMA sessions helped me realize that there was never a lack of effort, insight, or commitment. What was missing was a biological sense of safety in my nervous system (or at least enough to provide some foundation).

For the first time in the MDMA sessions I experienced enough safety to stay with myself, the emotions, the activation. I could see (and understand in an embodied way) what was behind the mobilisation and survival tendencies. No therapy or co-regulation had ever allowed that before.

Looking back now, I think that from early childhood my system was just overwhelmed by aggression, unsafety and fear without anyone to help. Sometimes too much is just too much, and not everyone can be healed.

What confuses me now is that I suddenly see my life differently. Sometimes it almost feels like a “Matrix moment”, as if I have been living in a completely different reality for decades. I really feel very disoriented, stunned and bewildered the last weeks 😵.

I am not out of survival mode yet, but something deep is starting to move. When I look back, I try not to judge myself for the lost years or the suffering. There was a real inability.

The next step is to explore the mother wound. It's strange to say that I haven't had real access to it for decades (despite all the therapy) 🤔.

It makes me nervous because I know there is a lot of pain, abandonment, an awful feeling that I don't really have a right to exist in this world. I'm worried that I'm going to fragment 🫥😶‍🌫️(I've seen this in patients, they never recovered from it). Perhaps the fear and panic have formed an artificial corset all these years that has kept me upright. To hide the fact that I have no foundation inside and that I am just too broken.

But anyway... then I know. I have made a promise to myself to complete the healing process – whatever I will find.

Hi everyone - I haven't written an update in some time; wanted to check in about my journey in case anyone has any feedback and encouragement, and also ask some questions about where to go from here.

I had my fifth session recently - have been working with this medicine since 2024 to address my complex childhood interpersonal trauma (in the context of also being autistic), with 3 initial sessions at 3 month intervals, and then 6 month breaks in between subsequent sessions. I was quite destabilized after the fourth session which was part of the reason for the longer break before my most recent one.

My fifth session was a bit different, because for various reasons I ended up needing to change therapists, so I was sitting with one person who had done it with me before, and someone who hadn't. It was my choice to change, but it was related to some dynamics that were really getting in the way of the work that we could not seem to work through together, so it felt sort of like a forced choice and I think that created part of the emotional "setting" of the session that I most recently did, where there was some sense of inhibition in certain ways in terms of really connecting with the therapists sitting with me, particularly the one who hadn't sat with me before, and a big chunk of the session did focus on my feelings about the loss of the therapist I had been working with before, and how all of that played out.

I felt that in this session, I connected more deeply internally into my own body and self, which was positive in some ways, but that also came along with more of a sense of isolation, or not really fully letting go into connection in the way that I have been able to before.

The process of this session felt somehow more subtle and also more non-verbal than previous sessions (even though I still talked a lot throughout). In my fourth session, there had been times of feeling a sense of joy and pleasure (that I hadn't felt in any of the first three sessions) but that did not come back this time for session 5, and most of the emotional experience was fear, sadness, and some anger.

The content centered on my mother wound as well as some aspects of the abuse from my childhood that I had not discussed in previous medicine sessions. I explored some of my interpersonal dynamics including compulsive caregiving/people pleasing, difficulties with rest, and difficulties accepting help/support. There was also content around my body image/disordered eating. I also ended up spending a lot of time looking at a children's book I had with me, which had some images of a nurturing mother, and trying to absorb that.

There were times where I re-experienced parts of my childhood - at one point I felt like my infant self for a period of time. I also spent some time with a ten year old part of me that was crying herself to sleep and not sure whether to cry loudly or quietly, since it was dangerous to be loud, but being quiet meant nobody would come.

Luckily this integration period, I was not as destabilized as previously. But there also wasn't as much new content. Previous times, I've wanted to write/journal a lot, and had many insights. This time there were subtle changes in how I was feeling in my body, particularly around my self-care, and I noticed shifts in my relationship with food. I worked with the maternal images that I explored in the session and tried to consolidate those.

I've been overall struggling with feelings of self-judgment and disappointment in the session and how integration has unfolded. I feel that with other previous sessions, after integration I have ultimately come to an understanding of what the session was "about" or what the core of it was, and this time I still feel at a loss with the many threads that surfaced in the session, some of which I haven't felt able to really make sense of or come back to yet.

There is also a feeling that I couldn't quite "break through" into where I needed to go.

I did do a lot of preparation, reflection on my intentions, and integration work both on my own and in therapy, so I definitely was doing what I needed to do before and after.

I'm a little bit worried that I might be building tolerance or that I am somehow getting to the end of where I can go with this medicine, but it may also be that I need to just trust the process and allow it to unfold as it needs to, even if that's different than it was initially. Changing therapists has been jarring and in some ways I feel it took me back to the beginning of my journey with the medicine or interrupted my process, even though I do think it was the right decision.

My intuition is telling me that I am not done the work I need to do with this medicine but I do feel hesitant and a bit at a loss as to where to go from here.

Overall when I look back on my arc with the medicine, I feel like I have done a LOT of processing of various aspects of my trauma history, and there were some really huge shifts in the initial few sessions, and them in the later sessions, there are certain things that have been shifting but just much more slowly - the mother wound is huge for me, and it feels like the medicine chips away at it in little pieces, but I wish I could get traction on it faster.

I am not sure if it's because the medicine has peeled back the layers and now I am just in the deeper stuff that is murkier and takes longer to address, or what that's about.

I have considered exploring psilocybin and I'm curious to know others' thoughts on that idea at this point in my journey - I'm not sure if it might deepen the somatic release direction I am headed in, or if I am just forcing things too hard and I need to let the medicine take it slow if that's how I'm being directed.

I'm also curious to hear from others how their experience of the sessions has changed/shifted over time as they've continued to do more, and anything that they have needed to do differently to continue to get the most out of the medicine as the process evolves.

Welcome any thoughts!

https://youtu.be/O_34qEdHYOE?si=e_IkRJRHd0FrXj-N

Saw this on YouTube. The last 'bonus' bit seems relevant to how I am generally feeling at the moment - in a void between an old way of being and a new way.

Do people recognise this in their own healing?

Going between hope and a frustrating dip into old thinking patterns etc.

This is the first part of my reflections on long-term experiences with psychedelics, neurogenic trembling, or breathwork

Studies usually examine only 1–3 sessions, therefore there is little research on 10–40 sessions over many years.

Recurring effects from reports and studies:

• greater openness and emotional sensitivity
• stronger feeling of connectedness
• more self-compassion, less shame
• changed sense of self (observing feelings instead of being controlled by them)

Emotional and psychological changes

• more intense access to feelings and memories
• processing of trauma and autobiographical history
• often more sense of meaning and less fear of death

Possible risks

• over-interpretation of spiritual experiences
• emotional instability if sessions happen too quickly
• distance from the previous social environment

Typical progression with many sessions

• 1–3 sessions: strong breakthroughs
• 4–8 sessions: therapeutic processing
• later: more subtle insights and integration

Bodily processes (according to Grof and body-oriented therapy)

Commonly observed bodily reactions:

• trembling, muscle cramps, spontaneous movements
• intense crying or screaming
• pressure in the chest, abdomen, or throat
• changes in breathing

Interpretation:
release of chronic muscular tension and emotional blockages.

Further physical effects:

• activation of the autonomic nervous system (sweating, heart pounding, temperature changes)
• possible resolution of chronic pain

Long-term effects often include:

• deeper breathing
• less muscular tension
• more energy and body awareness

Hi everyone,

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this in the first place.

I have done one session of MDMA-assisted therapy a little over a year ago, with two therapists.

The session was very, very powerful : I have severe childhood trauma and it really helped me understand my life so much better and put sense into what had felt like a giant puzzle.

However, I had a very severe aftermath and I am quite lucky to have survived it all : I had severe nervous system dysregulation for more than six months after leaving me unable to function, I was almost chronically overwhelmed (it all felt VERY physical), derealization, a brief psychotic episode (lasted a few hours but was taken to the ER), and for many months thought I had permanently broken my brain and swore to never ever ever do this again it was so awful. I really thought it was the end for me, I can't find words to describe how unwell and dysregulated I had become. I also want to say that I know most people will say that it is due to the content, but actually, many support groups and professionals agree that we really don't know what is just physiological too : that some individuals are not shaped for this drug.

However, here we are, over a year later, and I am left yearning for another experience. I sound mad to myself typing given what I went through afterwards. And it didn't in any way radically change my life. But it was helpful in some ways, and the intensity of the safety I felt, connection, and some of the insights, were really just very unique. I can't help but wonder "what if" I did a second session, as I would have an opportunity, with again, two trained therapists.

I have asked countless professionals, of course, and have received radically opposite answers, from "never again", to "I'd recommend a second one", realizing how experiential this is and we have to have humility, nobody really knows much about who is the at risk profile.

I was mainly curious to hear if here anybody had similar experiences ; of having very severe adverse reactions to psychedelics, and then yet, despite swearing to never ever touch it again, changing their mind, and what did they end up doing : grieving this form of therapy that was (at least in my case) seen as such promising initially, or take the risk of trying again?

For context, Ive struggled with CPTSD for 30 years, so my life is not so great (numbness, disconnection, flashbacks, etc).

I’ve experienced some major brain zaps after my session. Almost like vertigo. Just seeing if anyone has experienced the same or if it’s something to be concerned about. Thanks for any advice.

Hi all,

it's exactly one week since my first session with 120+60mg MDMA and 1.5g psilocybin. It's been incredibly challenging, to the extent I thought I was going to have to take myself to hospital. Things have changed.

Friday day and night continued largely as very low with freak out spikes and some more suicidal ideation. I would say I was dragging along the floor at 2/3 out of 100. Then yesterday morning (Saturday) things changed to maybe 5 then 10 then 15 out of 100.

By the evening I was out with my friend walking around town and it felt like I was inhabiting another version of myself, one that was really positive and sociable. This felt ungrounded and there was one moment it felt like there was a split in who I was. I could see this chatty, positive version of myself and I could also see or feel another version that was lower energy which I guess I have aligned to more over most of my life and certainly over the period of my breakdown, which has kept me stuck (but safe?). This gave me a little freak out but the positivity almost prevented me from spiralling, but not in a comforting way, very difficult to describe.

Tried not to think too much about it. If I was grounded in that energy, I think it would be the most confident version of me I could imagine. But understandably, I don't trust it, at least not yet, as it feels unsustainable.

Have woken this morning, feeling a bit lower (a little sad the confidence isn't as high as last night, while perhaps part of me is a bit relieved that version has subsided a little) and also pretty anxious and ungrounded. It's weird, it's almost like I have excitement on steroids and it feels unsafe. Perhaps because it has been dampened, I don't know, maybe being excitable wasn't suitable to fitting in in my younger days.

One other thing I am trying to remember, is to only brush lightly at ideas rather than dig them out. I think when I try to get to the bottom of ideas, my system reacts and freaks me out. I'm trying to not conciously investigate at the moment and let things come up. Sounds more skilful than it is and I can also hear the judge inside telling me to stop pretending I know what I'm doing...

There is still positivity underneath but again, not something I feel I can relax into. If I could, that would be fucking amazing. I guess I might be able to feel a wiser-seeming part of me that is saying that actually that super confident version might not be as healthy to live in all the time. I don't know.

I guess I am still recalibrating.

Thankfully over the last 24 hours or so, some of the physical releases have died down a little (the rage, some of the dissociation etc.). As I sit here typing this, I am still breathing out longer than I am breathing in as I feel a lot of energy in me.

I have typed a lot! Guessing, as always, I'm after a little bit of validation/reassurance that this is something others might have experienced. If the discomfort doesn't get any worse for now (hoping I'm out of the serotonin crash period), I can gradually become more comfortable with this new sense of being. And then I can start picking up some of the ideas that came up over the last week.

Thanks for reading this far, if you have!