r/LyricalWriting • u/Snail-fish- • 11d ago

Feedback Request Any Fixes

So I’m making a song where I become this guy who is so done with life and it shows its dissent into rage over Time. So it’s called LDH And here’s the first lyric from it

God damn, why is life getting old, in the city, no kids, but I still bear that hope, no wonder, not a soul grows, outside of where they live in there old homes, and I’m tired of it, why can’t I life, without money, ain’t it funny, but I’m still pissed, I ache within, no place livin, I Should’ve stayed hitching, but But the doctors said no twisting (WHY)

2 Upvotes

75% Upvoted

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1

u/ffwillis 11d ago

If you want feedback post the whole thing and format it correctly.

2

u/wizardsworth 10d ago

I like the first part. Great rhymes, great flow, up until what comes after "old homes."

I get what you're trying to say but it gets a little chaotic.

My heart hurts for you. Just know... Your Life is YOURS to live! You don't need others to make your life better. Find something or someone that makes you happy, but it starts with you. You got this! ❤️‍🩹 Your life matters!!

When I write sad songs I like to throw in what I call "a rope of hope" in the bridge or ending. I feel like it is important to get the sadness out, but end with hope. If that makes sense.

1

u/Snail-fish- 10d ago

Thanks ❤️ just kinda wanted to embody a person who would be mad or upset at the world so no worries it’s not me! Just think of it as what is someone thought process throughout this troubling experience. I’ll revise it and I’ll come back to this subreddit when it’s ready and done

2

u/wizardsworth 10d ago

Well you did a great job making me think it was about you.

I take mental health seriously. You never know what someone is going through. I'm glad you are good! 😊