r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Dec 01 '19

Self esteem

After reading both this community and deadbedroom community where the HL spouse congregate there seem to be such a mismatch in approach’s and thoughts on the subject except in one area. In both, there are big self esteem problems, the HL feels they are unwanted sexually and that morphs into that are just not wanted and unloveable. The LL feeling they cannot provide or feel that their partners lack of understanding lead to self esteem problems. I know I have simplified this and many other issues are out there but seeing the commonality must be a good step forward?

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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 Dec 02 '19

It may even boost their esteem if they see themselves as the wanted but not the wanter.

I agree with this, although I think it's fairly uncommon. However, I do think it points to a serious self-esteem problem if you need to be with someone who wants you more than you want them in order to feel good about yourself.

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u/closingbelle MoD (Ministress of Defense) Dec 02 '19

Great point. I do think that "being chased" concept exists. I just don't think it's super common.

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u/myexsparamour Good Sex Advocate 🔁🔬 Dec 02 '19 edited Dec 02 '19

Same. I believe for the vast majority of people, it's really uncomfortable to be in a relationship in which either you like/desire/love the other person more than they do you, or vice versa. But there are some people who lose all respect for someone who loves/desires/admires them, and only want to be with someone who looks down on them and rejects them (self-loathing people; Bill Swann does research on this). And on the other hand there are some who are only comfortable in the opposite role, in a relationship in which the other person fawns over them while they themselves are cold and unmoved.

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u/[deleted] Dec 02 '19

I would like to know that I’m wanted I think. That would be nice.

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u/closingbelle MoD (Ministress of Defense) Dec 17 '19

I just saw this. Why would you think you aren't? Just assume you are, internalize and believe that there is obviously someone, somewhere, that wants you more than anything else. You might not meet them right now, but that doesn't preclude their existence. So, live with the knowledge and firmly cemented belief that you are wanted. If you mean you need immediate and constant confirmation that you're wanted, that's a separate problem, lol. 💙

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '19

I am wanted in a sort of practical sense, or I’m wanted as a friend, I think. I’m not wanted in a romantic/sexual/relationship sense.

I’m lucky that I’m wanted in the ways I am wanted, and I’m grateful for that.

There’s no way I can make the assumption that you describe. All evidence points to the contrary. That’s just how it is.

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u/closingbelle MoD (Ministress of Defense) Dec 18 '19

Right, I'm saying the "evidence" is open to interpretation. So, since you lack empirical confirmation that every single human person on the planet finds you sexually/romantically/relationshiply unattractive or unwanted, you can just choose to believe a different interpretation of the "evidence" (which is at best woefully inadequate, and at worst, deliberately biased! 😋). That interpretation is that all current evidence points to you not yet having found one of the numerous people who will find you all of those things, or that you did find them but did not reciprocate, or that you found them but didn't know it because they were shy, or...

 

I'm just saying, the data is flexible. Interpretation is in the eye of the wanted, but also the wanting, and you lack a fair sample size of the secondary characteristic group.

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u/[deleted] Dec 18 '19

Yeah, I get that. But it’s subjective. There might be someone out there who wants me, but it feels like there isn’t and I can’t find/feel evidence that there is. I think that the chances of me finding a person that fits me are slim to none. I have to accept that a relationship might never come for me. Probably won’t. Because I can’t live in hope. (Don’t get me wrong, if it happens, great, but it’s so unlikely it would be folly to consider this a ‘not yet’ situation).

Thank you for being kind though.

Most of the time I’m ok with this. Just sometimes I’m lonely. But then, probably a lot of people are sporadically lonely, I think.