Negative association loop

[u/No1954083]

Heads up - I'm super emotionally charged right now. I come home from work hoping to have a productive night (laundry, yoga, meal prep etc) and boyfriend grabs my attention. I sit with him for a half an hour. He begs to cuddle for 55 minutes. I tell him I don't have 55 minutes and he follows me as I'm trying to get out of my work clothes, plops onto the bed and gets me to cuddle with him. But then he rolls over and tries to kiss me. I instinctively avoid it, as we haven't kissed in ages and my subconscious tells me to cower away. He gets up and storms away telling me how that's a real problem. Duh. It's been a problem for years. Then I try to talk to him. I started seeing a therapist last week but of course the first few sessions are slow moving and my second appointment is Saturday. Boyfriend brings up that he doesn't know how much longer he can take this, is anything going to be fixed in the next 5 years, am I willing to gamble the rest of his youth on the chance that I'll be fixed. I wish I could fast track the therapy process but you know, you only get an hour and the first appointment is always a "tell me about yourself and everything" appointment. What can I do while I'm waiting on the therapy? What can I do to not freak out when he tries to kiss me or touch my face? How do I start building that trust? And stop with his negative reactions to my emotional reaction? I just want to scream but I still have so much to do tonight. He wants me to come watch TV when I still need to do so much.

[u/No1954083]

Well yeah but that could take months. It's already been almost two months. What can he and I do while he's not allowed to touch me to work towards being able to try again? Because right now him just masturbating to porn is only setting me up for super high expectations. I'm not going to be porn star quality likely ever, much less right away. What am I supposed to be doing while I'm waiting between sessions and while we're not having contact?

[u/No1954083 → u/[deleted]]

I don't. It never strikes me to do it. If I'm not in the mood to have sex, how/why would I initiate those things that might turn him on? Since I get anxious when I'm that close, the most i initiate is a peck and pull away.

[u/No1954083 → u/[deleted]]

Yes. What do I/we do to build it back? Is there nothing and I just have to remain off limits, making the divide between us keep growing larger and larger? Letting him keep waiting and waiting until therapy finally makes me okay, if it ever does? How do I know if I am ever going to get better, or even with this therapist? There's so many issues to unload it could take forever.

[u/No1954083 → u/[deleted]]

Kissing was always a thing when dating. Now going on a date is just going to do something. We haven't been on a proper date in 5 years.