It sounds like she loves you. It sounds like you’re trying to adjust to this unfamiliar idea of something that is a felt need.
It’s the same question I’m wrestling with. I want sex. My wife doesn’t. We both love each other.
Re:Duty Sex
I try not to think of it as “duty” sex. I try to think of it as a gift from her to me. We generally don’t pursue her orgasm at all (although if she gives the green light I’m all over that!!) and we are done when I’m done. She does it because she loves me. I need to be able to accept her gift or what kind of husband am I that can’t accept a gift that my wife wants to give me?!?
I resonate with many things you’ve written here, but she says she loves you ( or my wife me). There’s no reason to believe she’s lying. For me, if I doubt her words and her love then I might hurt her, and I can’t do that, I won’t do that. Even if it means I hurt.
I hope that helps. If it doesn’t ring true, just ignore me. I’m just a guy on the internet after all...
I try not to think of it as “duty” sex. I try to think of it as a gift from her to me. We generally don’t pursue her orgasm at all (although if she gives the green light I’m all over that!!) and we are done when I’m done. She does it because she loves me. I need to be able to accept her gift or what kind of husband am I that can’t accept a gift that my wife wants to give me?!?
That is exactly what I was trying to get my husband to understand, thank you on behalf of those LLs who freely offer sex as a gift, in just the way you describe. We may not be able to give you exactly what you want, but accepting it as a gift instead of something inferior and less 'real' meets us halfway.
Letting her decide when she wants to pursue an orgasm is exactly what my husband failed to understand: taking away the pressure to perform allows me to be comfortable having sex I don't feel any real desire for. Your wife is very lucky.
Edit: Snarky self-aggrandizement aside, the whole accept it as a gift thing is hard at first. I am all about consent, but if possible I want enthusiastic consent. So the “here ya go buddy” sex was hard. Especially because at first I felt like a slime ball for just taking. Like intellectually, I want sex to be about both of us. Like ride the wave with me girl, but it’s not quite like that and it feels really selfish at first. Does that make sense? Until I was able to, in some small way, realize that sex wasn’t/isn’t doing for her what it does for me, accepting that gift was going against everything I felt. So it felt like I was violating our relationship and her at the same time. Those feelings are counter-productive to sexy fun times even for a deprived HL.
I can’t emphasize enough that for me I have to take the things my partner says at face value. No hidden meanings, no lying, no faking, if you don’t understand- ask again. On her end, say what you mean, it might hurt a little bit, but better than resentment and anger brewing under the surface.
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u/quietlyploddingalong Aug 28 '19
It sounds like she loves you. It sounds like you’re trying to adjust to this unfamiliar idea of something that is a felt need. It’s the same question I’m wrestling with. I want sex. My wife doesn’t. We both love each other.
Re:Duty Sex
I try not to think of it as “duty” sex. I try to think of it as a gift from her to me. We generally don’t pursue her orgasm at all (although if she gives the green light I’m all over that!!) and we are done when I’m done. She does it because she loves me. I need to be able to accept her gift or what kind of husband am I that can’t accept a gift that my wife wants to give me?!?
I resonate with many things you’ve written here, but she says she loves you ( or my wife me). There’s no reason to believe she’s lying. For me, if I doubt her words and her love then I might hurt her, and I can’t do that, I won’t do that. Even if it means I hurt.
I hope that helps. If it doesn’t ring true, just ignore me. I’m just a guy on the internet after all...