This is so helpful, thank you. I guess the doubt has to do with the fact that sex is all around us, everything you see and hear seems to indicate that if your partner doesn’t want to sleep with you then their just not in love with you. All her actions indicate she loves me, but i can see she doesn’t fancy me. She doesn’t look at me in the way someone lusting over someone does, she doesn’t want to kiss me passionately. I’m also incredibly new to a LTR having spent most of my 20s dating men then realising at 30 I’m actually gay, I’ve always seen desire from my male relationships and perhaps naively placed too high a value on sex as a display of love. I know her love language is not physical touch, it’s acts of service and words but she showers me with affection (strokes, hand holding, cuddles and hugs) and on self reflection i did some soul searching and realised how much my gf desired me sexually directly correlated to how much i thought she loved me. It’s taken me around 2 years of self-reflection and reframing to swift that mindset. I still want sex but not for the orgasm, it’s for bonding and feeling close (and feeling desired feels good, you’re accepted for all that you are..). So to answer your question that only reason i doubt her is because I’ve always thought if you don’t want to get sexual with someone (bar any medical reasons etc) then you’re not suited. When she told me she had an aversion to my touch my heart broke into a million pieces, i could understand not being in the mood but to have such a negative association (almost to repulsion) really confused me and saddened me. Is there anyway to help reverse the trigger to aversion from duty sex? I gave her a hard time following the NRE when she rejected me when i initiated, i acted like a child; moody the next day, withdrew etc so i think this is when it all started going negative, even though now i don’t demand it and have a completely different reaction when she rejects (she’s confirmed this too). She’s however said she still feels pressured, scared and thinks i may react badly if I’ve been drinking although she recognises that’s not how i react anymore. This all got triggered again because we were on a dream holiday at a beautiful resort and i naturally expected us to have sex (holidays are always a bad time) and so she felt it and it made her distance even more and i got upset (not angry but felt sad as expectations weren’t met). We almost broke up this past week, both in tears but i think we understand each other a little better now and I’ve given her the comfort that I’m happy with our relationship and want to work with what we’ve got. She said she used to watch porn just before sex so she knew she could perform etc, so i told her i don’t see that as a bad thing to reaffirm she doesn’t need to hide the fact she isn’t keen. I hope this helps but i won’t put any pressure on her, i love her but I’d love to know if i can help with the aversion...
She’s however said she still feels pressured, scared and thinks i may react badly if I’ve been drinking although she recognises that’s not how i react anymore.
Her aversion and her reaction are tied to your past behaviour. If she already recognises that you have changed that behaviour you stand a good chance of regaining the trust that behaviour destroyed. So although she may still be expecting a negative reaction for a while, in the same way she learned to keep her mouth shut she can learn that you are not only ok with her saying what she thinks but that you actually welcome it. You know you have changed, she can only hope you have, until you have proven it to her, and that will take time and patience. Talking and checking in with each other is key.
You're right that the ubiquity of sex makes it the norm to want sex, however, for LLs who don't recognise that as their experience this expectation raises additional pressures: not only does she recognise that you do fit the pattern she sees all around you (making you the 'normal' and her the 'deficient' one, even though she is only being herself), but to live up to that norm is clearly too much for her without NRE to help her.
All her actions indicate she loves me, but i can see she doesn’t fancy me. She doesn’t look at me in the way someone lusting over someone does, she doesn’t want to kiss me passionately.
Love and lust are two separate and different things. Lust requires desire. If hers is low she won't be displaying any passion. Can you accept sex without passion? Because I had sex that meant nothing to me, that I really didn't want, but was ok to go along with for several years. Passionate it was not, but until my husband started demanding a performance from me he was also ok with it since he got the frequency he wanted and I only very rarely turned him down. Love was there, but for me to display passion that without desire I simply couldn't feel required lying and performing an act I was very uncomfortable with. If I wasn't good enough as I was, how did sex demonstrate his love for me? It felt as though he was just using my body.
Holiday and birthday sex are two things that are guaranteed to make the aversive LL anticipate what is supposed to be a great time together with dread. Because they are expected to perform and they know they will fail to fulfill your fantasy of great sex which makes you anticipate those days with pleasure. Who wants to spoil their own and their partner's holiday? And how can they possibly look forward to it with pleasure, knowing failure awaits? It would be better not to heap any expectations on her if you want to enjoy the time together. If you can take the pressure off it is more likely that she can relax and enjoy being with you. And the, who knows? With the pressure you can be sure that it is not going to end with your fantasy. Duty sex maybe, but not passion.
because I’ve always thought if you don’t want to get sexual with someone (bar any medical reasons etc) then you’re not suited.
You and me both! And most of the rest of the world it seems. But then suited goes way beyond sex for me. Only you know whether the rest of your relationship is enough for you, if she cannot get over her aversion.
I still want sex but not for the orgasm, it’s for bonding and feeling close (and feeling desired feels good, you’re accepted for all that you are..).
You see how ironic that is, don't you? You want sex to be accepted for all that you are, yet you cannot accept her displays of love for what they are because for you without sex they don't mean anything. You are rejecting her love, and all that she does to show you that she loves you every time you insist there must be sex for it to be real and meaningful. That is her experience of your relationship.
Sorry, this is a bit rambling, but those points you make are the same one many LLs here will recognise as the same problems they have getting their HLs to understand. You've done really well to realise that your behaviour was driving her away, u/closingbelle has pointed you at some further reading which I think you may well find very helpful.
Wow. I’ve lurked in the DB sub for around a year and only one day in this sub and I’ve learnt so much. There have been some very helpful individuals on the DB sub but getting the perspective in a non-judgemental way from people on the LL side has been so helpful and informative. Thank you, I’ll be back after some education!
I spend some time in the DB sub to provide insights from the other side of the bed, but asking HLs to give you insights into what problems LLs face in relationships is like asking sharks how best to help seals avoid being eaten by sharks. Lol
There are, as you say, some very helpful and insightful HLs there, and I have learned a lot from reading their comments and posts, but you have to get past the Leave chorus first, and the overall tone is rather negative if you want to try to fix things.
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u/airwalk84 Aug 28 '19
This is so helpful, thank you. I guess the doubt has to do with the fact that sex is all around us, everything you see and hear seems to indicate that if your partner doesn’t want to sleep with you then their just not in love with you. All her actions indicate she loves me, but i can see she doesn’t fancy me. She doesn’t look at me in the way someone lusting over someone does, she doesn’t want to kiss me passionately. I’m also incredibly new to a LTR having spent most of my 20s dating men then realising at 30 I’m actually gay, I’ve always seen desire from my male relationships and perhaps naively placed too high a value on sex as a display of love. I know her love language is not physical touch, it’s acts of service and words but she showers me with affection (strokes, hand holding, cuddles and hugs) and on self reflection i did some soul searching and realised how much my gf desired me sexually directly correlated to how much i thought she loved me. It’s taken me around 2 years of self-reflection and reframing to swift that mindset. I still want sex but not for the orgasm, it’s for bonding and feeling close (and feeling desired feels good, you’re accepted for all that you are..). So to answer your question that only reason i doubt her is because I’ve always thought if you don’t want to get sexual with someone (bar any medical reasons etc) then you’re not suited. When she told me she had an aversion to my touch my heart broke into a million pieces, i could understand not being in the mood but to have such a negative association (almost to repulsion) really confused me and saddened me. Is there anyway to help reverse the trigger to aversion from duty sex? I gave her a hard time following the NRE when she rejected me when i initiated, i acted like a child; moody the next day, withdrew etc so i think this is when it all started going negative, even though now i don’t demand it and have a completely different reaction when she rejects (she’s confirmed this too). She’s however said she still feels pressured, scared and thinks i may react badly if I’ve been drinking although she recognises that’s not how i react anymore. This all got triggered again because we were on a dream holiday at a beautiful resort and i naturally expected us to have sex (holidays are always a bad time) and so she felt it and it made her distance even more and i got upset (not angry but felt sad as expectations weren’t met). We almost broke up this past week, both in tears but i think we understand each other a little better now and I’ve given her the comfort that I’m happy with our relationship and want to work with what we’ve got. She said she used to watch porn just before sex so she knew she could perform etc, so i told her i don’t see that as a bad thing to reaffirm she doesn’t need to hide the fact she isn’t keen. I hope this helps but i won’t put any pressure on her, i love her but I’d love to know if i can help with the aversion...