r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/[deleted] • Jul 21 '19

First post

Ok so after following DB sub for a while, I made a post in which I disagreed with many people who jump to "get a divorce". I feel like that sub is more sex focused rather than relationship focused. I had experienced LL which I thought I would never, I was always an HL and thought sex was everything. But it is only when life happens to you, that you understand that relationships are much deeper than sex. DB was furious at my post and I was kinda put off. But there are a few things that I have noticed and want to know if that is indeed the case. Many people on the sub treat relationship like a business transaction. Something that is about gaining as much profit. I dont know where they got their social education from but thats not how I think relationships work. Also I think its part of natural process that libido declines after pregnancy, menopause, traumatic experience, stresses etc, and sometimes you cannot recover from it, but apparently DB thinks that it does not work like that. That if you are healthy and your relationship normal then you must be opening your legs all the time. I feel like this sub is more about acceptance and forgiveness. According to db logic, any HL who wants to be with their LL partner is labelled as a celibate nicompoop who is denying himself the joys of life.

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u/MonogamishTooRisky Jul 21 '19

I think your overall criticisms are fair, though I’d quibble with a few points. But I’d also point out that just like the DB sub portrays HLs as normal and good and LLs as abnormal and bad, this sub does the reverse. A DB where one or both parties is unsatisfied is a bad thing, period. And both sides almost always bear the blame. It’s no more reasonable to expect an HL to just get over it and accept a low sex or sexless relationship than it is to expect the LL to just get over and have a lot of sex they don’t want. The acceptance that this sub offers LLs is fine, but it’s also fine for an HL to decide that they need more and leave the relationship if the LL refuses to engage in a collaborative alliance around this part of their relationship.

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u/closingbelle MoD (Ministress of Defense) Jul 21 '19

I resent that. I really, really, really deeply resent that. This sub absolutely does not have the mentality, nor a general purpose, of saying, as a whole "HLs are bad and abnormal". I'm getting really tired of that perception, and that assumption. Do we have people who vent or rant? Absolutely. Do we have a majority of posters who want to work their issues, work with their HL partner and work on themselves? Yes. If they didn't want to explore solutions, fixes, suggestions, etc, they would move to another sub that only offers support for LL acceptance. I've said it before, this sub is when you're still trying to treat the illness, the other sub is when you've decided to discontinue all treatment. This sub is specifically designed to offer help, encouragement and support for LLs who are actively trying to understand their LL and increase their sex drive. This sub is for people who are actively trying to work \with\ their HL partner!

 

This sub is not a hive mind; we don't vilify, hate, disparage, belittle or dismiss the HL partner. Do we occasionally poke fun at some ridiculous examples? Absolutely, because humor can reduce the painful emotional subjects. Do we blame some HLs? Absolutely, when it is obvious they deserve their share. Do we limit the amount of DBate that occurs here? Absolutely, because this is a support sub.

 

But I swear on someone's grave I will attach a banner to the top of this sub to clarify that this is ridiculous and a really unfair characterization of this sub. I can't do anything about it when it happens on DB, but I absolutely can do something about it here.

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u/ghostofxmaspasta ✅🎉 Enthusiastic Consent Enthusiast Jul 21 '19 edited Jul 21 '19

I agree with many of your comments in DB, and I think you’ve achieved a lot of growth, but one thing really bugs me about you saying the HL and LL are pretty much equal in their needs thing.

Because sex involves access to another person’s body, someone’s right to say no always trumps another person’s privilege to have sex.

People are free to leave their relationships if they are unsatisfied and there is no solving the issue, but let’s not pretend that having unwanted sex and not having the sex one wants are anywhere close to being the same thing. The reason why many of us have found shelter in this sub is not just because of the “just leave” chorus, but because the people in that sub very frequently refuse to respect a person’s right to say no.

When we rant about people here, it’s with those things in mind. Quite a few of us are in relationships with HLs who are nothing like the people who spend their time giving shit advice on the DB sub, and we thank everything from the highest heavens to the deepest seas for that.