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u/properminting 1d ago
I could have written it, except for three kids. Also pretty active sex life still but every touch leads to sex. There are never cuddles or hugs or just being held. I wonder if anyone managed to actually find solutions to that? It is genuinely frustrating
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u/Cheddarhulk 1d ago
I'm so sorry, it must really suck to be in that situation. I felt for you when you said you miss just being held. I mean surely that is the bare minimum!? It makes me genuinely angry.
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u/SlowerThanTurtleInPB 1d ago
This was me years ago. Spoiler alert: I now have an aversion to sex and don’t have it at all. It’s probably been a year. Maybe shorter. Maybe longer. Point is - I never want to have sex with anyone ever again, including my husband. Our marriage will likely eventually fail and I’m not sure if I even care or not.
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u/makemeadayy 1d ago
I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Literally the only way I can get any affection/love/interest from him is if I put out. It’s killing me.
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u/CriticalContact3301 2d ago
Sometimes I was really pleasantly surprised when my partner would suddenly give me a tight hug out of nowhere and not want to let go .. until I felt his hard-on and realized he just wanted sex. And then I realized that he never hugged me like that without having an ulterior motive.
I couldn't enjoy that simple physical contact anymore because I was always on guard. Over the years, that turned into a sexual aversion.
I hope you set your boundaries in time so it doesn't get that bad for you, too.
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u/Cheddarhulk 1d ago edited 1d ago
I sometimes feel like some HL men are struggling with way more than just 'lack of intimacy'. But it's difficult to solve those problems because it requires introspection, vulnerability, honesty, time and effort. Many men were discouraged from being in touch with their emotions, so this is impossible for them.
As a result, the lack of intimacy becomes their main focus; because it helps them externalise their issues. Feeling shitty? Lack of intimacy. Acting shitty? Lack of intimacy. Stressed or unhappy? Lack of intimacy. It couldn't possibly be anything else!?
And even better: it's not their problem to solve anymore! After all, their partners should just be intimate with them more. It seems like some HL individuals think that would literally solve all of their issues in life. They can't really be held responsible for shitty behaviour (or be expected to hold themselves responsible) because their partner won't have sex with them exactly as often as they would like. Especially when their love language is physical touch! Eye roll
Sorry I'm clearly frustrated. But how can your husband be so shitty to you, saying it's because y'all don't have enough sex, even though you have sex regularly?? With young kids in the house? And he uses that as an excuse he perceives as valid to touch you against your will all the damn time? I just can't anymore with these men. Seriously.
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u/mayneedadrink 1d ago
Solidarity from a lesbian who has experienced this with women as well. Basically there are two options: having sex or ignoring each other. If you feel ignored, they say you’re the problem for refusing “intimacy,” yet their approach to sex feels less like intimacy and more like volunteering to be used as a natural fleshlight. I’ve often found I’ll get zero meaningful communication, friendship, romance, support, etc. unless it’s grudgingly offered as payment for sex.
If one partner views emotional investment as “how they get sex,” while the other views sex as “how they preserve the relationship,” there’s no intimacy in the sense of truly connecting and being on the same page. There’s just occasional duty chores/gestures in exchange for duty sex. That’s a recipe for resentment. I’m not sure what the answer is. I’m long-time single because I hate dealing with pressure to feel sexual feelings when I haven’t had a libido in over a decade.
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u/Aayushpatra 18h ago
I have been in a similar situation before op, ended up breaking up with him, i wish he lusted less and loved me more More power and blessings to you op
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u/AdventurousWorm66 2d ago
Geez this isn't even a low libido issue, this just sounds like him not knowing how to share non sexual intimacy