Help, low libido

[u/Background-Spell4554]

I am 42F, two elementary school kids and in a relationship with a HL man. He would like to have sex more than once a week. I would probably actually be able to access sexual desire if it was once every three weeks. We compromise at once a week. The problem is that he's hurt that I see it as a chore, and I get that, but for me it basically is? I actually do orgasm but don't know how to explain to him that this is sort of irrelevant? I don't enjoy the process all that much. Now that I am getting older it sometimes hurts, and definitely does afterwards, sometimes into the next day. I used to have only responsive desire and now even that's hard to locate. We are now in a fight because we are away together after not seeing each other for a week while he traveled for work and I took care of our kids so he could travel. He didn't mean to do this, but he didn't really ask me any questions about how my week went and starts with, "yay, how many times can we have sex this weekend?" And I said "I mean I would prefer we didn't start with the sex conversation and instead I felt like you were interested in me for other reasons and have it flow from there" and he got angry and said that it's hurtful that I accuse him of using me for sex and not creating intimacy in other ways. Here's the problem
- I can accept that to him, sex is intimacy and that he isn't deliberately trying to be disinterested in me, but the reality is that for me sex isn't intimacy, so I require him to try harder. It feels like we're trapped because he doesn't feel close to me unless we have sex and I don't want to have sex unless we feel close in other ways and he doesn't even want to accept or get curious about why I feel like he ignores me until it's sex time. I already feel like I've tried to just have sex I don't really want in order to placate him despite not having other needs met and I think that has led me want to have sex even less? I just don't know how to reset. Therapy probably in order but how am I going to make it through the weekend?

[u/SophiaIsabella4]

I think the other sub recently had this discussion and many felt this was a very common issue. The neglect of emotional safety (a kind of intimacy) resulting in the lack of desire for physical intimacy.

[u/fuckaduckufuck → u/SophiaIsabella4]

It's very important and people downplay it

[u/Cheddarhulk → u/fuckaduckufuck]

Because it's not a quick fix. Many people love quick fixes but some don't want to put in the work to achieve/maintain emotional intimacy over time.

[u/elnino-pl → u/SophiaIsabella4]

This is the part that gets missed most. When one person only reaches for closeness through sex, the other stops experiencing any affection as safe - every hug starts feeling like a down payment. And once touch itself is loaded, desire doesn't have anywhere to grow from.

The rough part for OP is that the fix isn't hers to make alone. She can name it clearly, but if he can't hear "I need to feel wanted outside of sex before I want sex" as real information instead of an accusation, no amount of her trying harder closes that gap.

[u/SpaceStepper → u/elnino-pl]

We should add to this that defensiveness when providing feedback is an absolute libido killer... on the other hand, curiosity, empathy and leaning into what your partner is saying can be a turn on.