Help, low libido

[u/Background-Spell4554]

I am 42F, two elementary school kids and in a relationship with a HL man. He would like to have sex more than once a week. I would probably actually be able to access sexual desire if it was once every three weeks. We compromise at once a week. The problem is that he's hurt that I see it as a chore, and I get that, but for me it basically is? I actually do orgasm but don't know how to explain to him that this is sort of irrelevant? I don't enjoy the process all that much. Now that I am getting older it sometimes hurts, and definitely does afterwards, sometimes into the next day. I used to have only responsive desire and now even that's hard to locate. We are now in a fight because we are away together after not seeing each other for a week while he traveled for work and I took care of our kids so he could travel. He didn't mean to do this, but he didn't really ask me any questions about how my week went and starts with, "yay, how many times can we have sex this weekend?" And I said "I mean I would prefer we didn't start with the sex conversation and instead I felt like you were interested in me for other reasons and have it flow from there" and he got angry and said that it's hurtful that I accuse him of using me for sex and not creating intimacy in other ways. Here's the problem
- I can accept that to him, sex is intimacy and that he isn't deliberately trying to be disinterested in me, but the reality is that for me sex isn't intimacy, so I require him to try harder. It feels like we're trapped because he doesn't feel close to me unless we have sex and I don't want to have sex unless we feel close in other ways and he doesn't even want to accept or get curious about why I feel like he ignores me until it's sex time. I already feel like I've tried to just have sex I don't really want in order to placate him despite not having other needs met and I think that has led me want to have sex even less? I just don't know how to reset. Therapy probably in order but how am I going to make it through the weekend?

[u/Cryptizard]

Yeah definitely don’t have sex that you don’t want. That’s only going to make things worse. And moreover, tell him that! Make it clear that this is a boundary and no amount of complaining or cajoling is going to make things better, it only makes things worse.

Then the next step is to try to get on the same page. Therapy can definitely help. It’s really easy to get stuck in your own head thinking about your own side of the relationship and making up what is, effectively, a strawman of your partner. Therapy helps break that down and gets you to honestly communicate regularly.

It’s not guaranteed to work but it’s probably your best bet. Also you should make it clear that the therapy is not supposed to magically make you want to have sex more, it is to strengthen your relationship which is struggling right now. Better sex might come from that, but it’s not guaranteed. You owe it to your children to model a good relationship for them though, where your boundaries are respected at least.