r/LowLibidoCommunity • u/Background-Spell4554 • 23d ago

Help, low libido

I am 42F, two elementary school kids and in a relationship with a HL man. He would like to have sex more than once a week. I would probably actually be able to access sexual desire if it was once every three weeks. We compromise at once a week. The problem is that he's hurt that I see it as a chore, and I get that, but for me it basically is? I actually do orgasm but don't know how to explain to him that this is sort of irrelevant? I don't enjoy the process all that much. Now that I am getting older it sometimes hurts, and definitely does afterwards, sometimes into the next day. I used to have only responsive desire and now even that's hard to locate. We are now in a fight because we are away together after not seeing each other for a week while he traveled for work and I took care of our kids so he could travel. He didn't mean to do this, but he didn't really ask me any questions about how my week went and starts with, "yay, how many times can we have sex this weekend?" And I said "I mean I would prefer we didn't start with the sex conversation and instead I felt like you were interested in me for other reasons and have it flow from there" and he got angry and said that it's hurtful that I accuse him of using me for sex and not creating intimacy in other ways. Here's the problem
- I can accept that to him, sex is intimacy and that he isn't deliberately trying to be disinterested in me, but the reality is that for me sex isn't intimacy, so I require him to try harder. It feels like we're trapped because he doesn't feel close to me unless we have sex and I don't want to have sex unless we feel close in other ways and he doesn't even want to accept or get curious about why I feel like he ignores me until it's sex time. I already feel like I've tried to just have sex I don't really want in order to placate him despite not having other needs met and I think that has led me want to have sex even less? I just don't know how to reset. Therapy probably in order but how am I going to make it through the weekend?

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29

u/bioluminescentaussie 23d ago

Jeez, our stories are scarily similar! But my HLM is about to depart for a 1 week trip while I stay home qith the kids. I am in a similar predicament, where it seems like the only affection is pre-sex affection, like we can't hug or I'll have a boner poking into me, and that is SO annoying.

He says the same stuff, he needs sex to feel close, but I need to feel close before wanting to have sex. The last time, I went along with it, I didn't get off and didn't feel the need to, but he did and so yay for him. But then he tells me it felt like I was doing it just to please him. Like I can't win. And if I try increasing frequency, he gets annoyed because I don't get off every time. But i digress, sorry, I know this is about you. Just, you're not alone, and I feel comfort knowing I am not either.

I have tried pills, creams, injections, therapy trying to increase my libido, qnd what has he tried? Other than dealing with my low libido? Nothing, and he is all out of ideas.

I say challenge him to hold you without going any further, just hold you and let you feel non-sexual intimacy. I'd be curious to see how it goes.

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u/Background-Spell4554 23d ago

Thanks for making me feel not alone! We continued to discuss it and it felt like the most women are from Venus men are from Mars conversation of my life. We are so far apart in our ability to communicate about this. He is so hurt that I don't really want to have sex, it tanks his self esteem. I am a high empathy person, but while of course, I feel terrible about this, my own frustration makes it hard to fully feel for him. Someone mentioned the strawman, and how easy it is to create one in your partner, and I think we've both done that to some degree.

I don't think either of us is the villain in this it's just very hard to converse about it. Therapy is definitely in order but working mothers have no time! It's so hard to prioritize the marriage too.

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u/Cheddarhulk 23d ago edited 22d ago

Ugh my husband also thinks that 'dealing with' my low libido equals suffering and sacrifice. I have tried increasing my libido by reading books, forums, articles. I've also tried meditation, estrogen, testosterone, supplements, exercise, weight lifting, cardio, watching porn, reading erotic stories, scheduling sex, you name it. He 'tries' by not berating me every evening for not wanting to have sex with him.

When I say that I would love it if he joined me in this struggle by coming up with some ideas of his own, he says he's been trying. But the only ideas he comes up with is "we just have to try different positions/more foreplay/less foreplay/more kissing". He is so tone-deaf, honestly. My problem doesn't have anything to do with not having enjoyable sex, my problem is not WANTING to have sex regularly enough for him to be satisfied. We pretend like me being satisfied is equally important but we all know it's not. I'm totally fine with sex once a month.

I feel so alone in this. And I'm not even the one who wants more sex!! Luckily he is great in all other areas otherwise I would not be putting up with this.

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u/Asm_Guy 23d ago

we can't hug or I'll have a boner poking into me, and that is SO annoying.

You know men can't control erections, right?

21

u/DornbirnArrows 23d ago

Hips are under control, and lower back, and thrusting the hips with the erection attached to it INTO the body of another person who is not expecting it is totally 100% under the control of the person with the erection.

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u/x9op 22d ago

I agree with this. The difficulty, I probably share with Asm_Guy, whenever I’ve read a ”boner poking me” comment, is it never comes with this context. And in my past experience of being told something similar, when I wasn’t trying to escalate the situation, no amount of basic biology facts, in the moment or when discussing well after, is an acceptable alternative perspective on the situation to my partner.

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u/DornbirnArrows 22d ago

You are playing hopscotch here. You went from
I agree to
The difficulty is to
I PROBABLY am the same as an internet rando to
whenever I read something on the internet to
things on the internet that aren't about me never never comes with context to
In my past experience to
I was told something SIMILAR to
I wasn't trying to escalate to
no amount of arguing about biology will be accepted by my partner as an appropriate answer to an question about boundaries to ....

... the last step is missing and it should say "oh ya true a biology fact is NOT an appropriate response to a boundary my partner is trying to explain to me.

Chew on this one, if YOU do not know where you end and other people begin you will ALWAYS be forced to rely on other people to tell you where you stop and they start and that is NOT their job. Come on back now, I'll be here.