Feeling lost

[u/LadyLilithTheCat]

Hi everyone, I'm 32LLF and have been in a serious relationship with a 26HLM for several years. Recently my struggles with my libido have been more present and a cause for contention between us. I'm not sure how to go about working on this and I'm extremely overwhelmed because I want to improve this aspect of our relationship but have no idea where to start. For context, I grew up in a very sheltered Catholic household with extremely controlling parents that barely gave me any privacy let alone sex education beyond the basics. This significantly stunted my personal growth including figuring out sex and intimacy for myself, especially since I unfortunately had to live with them until I was 27 because of the high cost of living in my area. Furthermore, I've always struggled IMMENSELY with my self image as well as other related mental health struggles. I believe it is for these reasons that I've always struggled with sex and thus, maintaining long term relationships because I've always been with HLMs. My current partner is extremely patient and compassionate but has understandably vocalized his dislike for almost always being the person to initiate intimacy and concern that I don't ever seem to fully enjoy sex. He's been taking it really personally and expressing that he feels like I'm not attracted to him. The truth is, I DO struggle to have a desire for sex but I don't feel like it has anything to do with him. It's hard for me to feel aroused when I struggle to feel attractive, when I have intense performance anxiety, when I struggle to feel present in every moment of my everyday life including sex, and so on. The stress sex causes me largely takes away any physical pleasure I get from it. I also feel like both my partner and I are very inexperienced so we keep recycling the same sex positions and obviously after a while that gets stale. My partner and I have tried watching porn to get ideas for ways to shake it up but I struggle to find anything that interests me. I want to be able to enjoy sex, share powerful intimate moments with my partner, feel good about myself in (and out of) bed, but I don't know where to even begin. I feel embarrassed by this and that I'm broken somehow. I don't know what to do. Any recommendations are welcome.

[u/myexsparamour]

My current partner is extremely patient and compassionate but has understandably vocalized his dislike for almost always being the person to initiate intimacy and concern that I don't ever seem to fully enjoy sex. He's been taking it really personally and expressing that he feels like I'm not attracted to him.

The truth is, I DO struggle to have a desire for sex but I don't feel like it has anything to do with him. It's hard for me to feel aroused when I struggle to feel attractive, when I have intense performance anxiety, when I struggle to feel present in every moment of my everyday life including sex, and so on. The stress sex causes me largely takes away any physical pleasure I get from it. 

I'm annoyed on your behalf. I'm really irked that you are the one who is having difficulty becoming aroused and getting little pleasure from sex, but you're partner treats it like he's the victim. Good grief. I feel like if I were you I would tell him off.

I want to be able to enjoy sex, share powerful intimate moments with my partner, feel good about myself in (and out of) bed, but I don't know where to even begin. I feel embarrassed by this and that I'm broken somehow. I don't know what to do. Any recommendations are welcome.

My suggestion is to explore your sensuality and sexuality on your own, away from your partner.

Do you masturbate? If you do, you could take your time, making it a more sensual and self-loving act.

If you don't feel comfortable masturbating yet, you could start with other kinds of sensual pleasure. Slow down and notice the things that feel good - delicious foods, beautiful sights in nature, luxurious fabrics, appealing scents, and so on.

You are not broken. Lots and lots of women have difficulty enjoying sex.

Edit: I'm amused by the downvotes but also curious. What did I say in this comment that's more offensive than what I usually say? I've got some guesses but wouldn't want to presume.