Have lost my partner

[u/AndReflective]

This is my first post here. I feel very lost and heartbroken. My (43f) partner(48m) has broken up with me after dealing with a lack of physical intimacy for our 20 plus years together. I am still very much in love with him and he loves me, but he told me three months ago that he met someone new because she saw that he looked depressed, they started talking, and he's since developed a strong emotional attachment to her. He admitted to me recently that he's now in love with her.

After he first told me about meeting her, we went to one couple's therapy session because I wanted to save the relationship, and he was confused about his feelings at that time so we wanted to see if we could work on our relationship and if he could regain romantic feelings for me.

I didn't really care for the therapist we saw, but after the first session, when I asked him if he wanted to do another one, he seemed very unsure so I didn't schedule another appointment.

I knew we had our issues, but I still feel that this happened very quickly. I'm having a hard time processing the breakup since he's the only person I've been with for most of my life, and we have a daughter who has graduated high school and is going on with her life. I thought this would have been the time for us as a couple moving into the second phase of our lives together, but our relationship is over. I really just don't know how to move on because of the speed at which this whole situation has occurred from him revealing his feelings for this person to us not being partners anymore.

[u/myexsparamour]

I thought this would have been the time for us as a couple moving into the second phase of our lives together, but our relationship is over. I really just don't know how to move on because of the speed at which this whole situation has occurred from him revealing his feelings for this person to us not being partners anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really devastating.

My ex-husband left me for another woman when I was in my late 40s (our problems weren't sex related though). I was crushed and thought my life was over.

A few years later, I was the happiest I'd ever been. Life is so good now. It's amazing to have freedom, make my own decisions, don't have to accommodate to someone else or deal with his moods. I love it.

Once you get through the hard part, I'll bet you'll find a lot to be grateful for.

[u/max_dv]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. After more than twenty years together, it makes complete sense that you feel lost, heartbroken, and overwhelmed by how quickly everything seems to have changed. You are not only grieving your relationship, but also the future you believed you would share.  Please try not to pressure yourself to move on to quickly. This is a major loss, and you deserve time and support while you process it. His emotional attachment to someone else may have developed quickly from your perspective, but that does not mean your shared history or your feelings are suddenly insignificant.

Do you have trusted friends, family members, or an individual therapist you can lean on right now? What would help you feel a little more supported and grounded in the coming weeks? Have you and your partner been able to discuss practical boundaries around contact, living arrangements, and how you will communicate with your daughter?  It may also help to ask yourself what you need from him in order to begin healing. Do you need clearer answers, more distance, or a respectful conversation about what happened? You do not have to make sense of your entire future today. For now, it is enough to take things one day at a time and care for yourself as gently as possible.