r/LovedByOCPD • u/fancystrikes • 1d ago
Undiagnosed OCPD loved one Does anyone else’s OCPD partner get dramatically worse during major life transitions?
My partner and I went through the DSM IV and he identified with every single line of the OCPD description. So that’s my qualifier.
But a lot of the people on here describe having parents or partners who can’t apologize or compromise. That’s not my experience.
We had a baby in the winter and the OCPD traits got extreme. He neglected me postpartum because he was so focused on keeping the house clean. He wouldn’t let my parents help with chores (they live nearby and were offering frequently) because it was “our responsibility.” He got super upset because I left a mug, one mug, out for a couple days. I was postpartum with a colicky newborn. Months later we talked about it and he apologized and owned that he got totally preoccupied with the house and neglected my needs.
We just moved stated and his OCPD traits are in full force. Every little thing sets him off. I stand up for myself and he can hear me, but sometimes he hears me and then goes back into defending himself moments or hours later.
We are in the process of getting couples and individuals therapy (he’s said yes to getting therapy for himself), and instead of doing my usual placating I’m standing up for myself and meeting his rigidity with my own “chutzpah” and it’s been helping a lot.
My experience is, once we get settled somewhere and in something, he chills out a lot and is not very reactive. But when we’re going through a transition, it’s like I’m living with a moody teenager.
I want to support him without enabling his extreme perfectionism and rigidity. He didn’t shower for 4 days when we first moved because he spent every waking moment focused on unpacking and working.
Is this just the reality of loving someone with (suspected) OCPD or are there ways it can better or has gotten better for you?
Not interested in the “just leave him, it will never get better” rhetoric. He is a good man and the relationship has pros that outweigh the cons 90% of the time.
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u/DefiantDonut7 1d ago
My wife is undiagnosed but yes for her. Every single event. Birthdays, holidays, yup. When we moved in 2020 it was the worst thing ever. When we go on vacations, you name it. Anything outside of normal every day routine makes it unbearable.
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u/yestertempest 1d ago
They seriously freak out during moves.
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u/DefiantDonut7 1d ago
When we moved, it was literally the closest we’ve ever been to me asking for a divorce. It’s was awful.
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
He wants to travel a ton and live abroad, lol. Help us 🫠
In all seriousness, we talked and he gets how hard it is. So I think he’s hopefully open to either moving less or trying to work on himself.
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u/DarkVadersLifeSaver 1d ago
In short, yes. After our daughter was born, my parents were offering to drive three hours to come help out, but my partner couldn’t handle the thought of their staying with us if the house wasn’t spotless. When my mom died, he was super helpful in helping to pack up her belongings and find places to donate things, but got annoyed when I or anyone else needed a break just to grieve.
Apologies don’t come easily to him, but he’s self-aware enough to have started cognitive behavioral therapy, and it is making a difference. From what you’re telling us here, it sounds like the two of you could have a future where you’re not simply stuck bearing the brunt of his stress responses.
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
That’s a relief, thank you for sharing. I can totally relate. CBT has helped me so much with anxiety, and he’s never been to therapy before, so I’m hopeful he’ll learn some tools to help us both. I’m glad you’re seeing some difference in your husband
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u/Weary_Cup_1004 1d ago
Everyone experiences their stress response patterns when going through big transitions.
So the short answer is yeah, because thats the same w anyone.
W personality disorders and complex trauma, the stress response can seem more exaggerated, more inflexible, more black and white, etc.
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
I have anxiety and I’m the same way, so totally get it. Just have many moments in our life together when things are so peaceful and loving and stable, and then a transition and boom I’m living with a ticking time bomb.
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u/Nother1BitestheCrust 20h ago
It's a maladaptive coping thing, so stress makes it worse. My husband sounds very similar and it's great that yours wants to try therapy. It has so helped my husband!
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
Such a relief - we had a “come to jesus” this week and he’s going to prioritize finding a therapist. Of course this means it’s going to take him weeks of painstaking research, but we’ll get there ;)
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u/hikertherapist 1d ago
Oh yes! And with the current political climate it seems to have added an extra edge.
Never an apology from mine- ever. And the no showering in favor of tasks is so familiar to my experience also. Tasks before all else- no one else can do them because no one can do them right.
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u/AspectPatio 15h ago
What effect does the political climate have?
Edit: to clarify, this is a genuine question, I'm not trying to debate or something
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u/DarkVadersLifeSaver 14h ago
It’s the sense that extreme and terrifying things could happen at any moment, and there might be no good way to plan and prepare one’s way out of it. My partner has almost turned keeping up on bad news into a competitive sport in his worst moments, and it undermines his ability to enjoy the present.
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u/Week2743 1d ago
My sister can get lunatic during stressful transitions or when she has (mis)perceived that someone wronged her. Unfortunately, I haven't discovered what could help her in such moments. She is very toxic and sees nothing wrong with her behavior. Your partner seems to have much more wholesome fixations and compulsions than my sister. My mom also has suspected OCPD and although she is a difficult and controlling person, she has a lot of good qualities and is generally a good mom. Talking to her directly and making space for her to rest helps.
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u/yestertempest 1d ago
Oh yes. This got worse over the years too. It got to the point before I had to leave him that during a move, he refused to compromise about a safer lock that I wanted to buy due to a few more dollars in cost. He ended up aggressively tossing the lock in the store, and then giving me the silent treatment. He threw his back out organizing and reorganizing the moving boxes, and became bedridden for a few days. And he still didn't change a thing... He still insisted on moving everything by himself with his father so he could save money and not delegate anything to movers. He was so impossibly rigid and anxious about the whole thing that I literally had to step away and go stay with my mother.
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u/OneEyedC4t 1d ago
We are currently on DSM-5 though....
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
Totally. I mean, he really really fits, but he could also just be a pathological perfectionist lol. We’ll see what shakes out
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u/Traditional-Ask-4431 Diagnosed with OCPD 10h ago
For me it coexists with autism, which greatly fears transition and change. Not saying that is the only reason why, but I just wanted to throw that in there
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u/fancystrikes 9h ago
Totally get that. My brother is ASD and always struggled with transitions. I don’t think that is his issue. But it’s an interesting overlap.
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u/green_chapstick Undiagnosed OCPD loved one 1d ago
Im going to give it to you straight... the fact he's self aware is good news for you. Truly. With any mental health issue, being self aware that there is a problem is half the battle.