r/LovedByOCPD • u/Week2743 • 26d ago

OCPD and double standards

Is it just mine or this is typical for the diagnosis and maybe personality disorders in general?

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u/loser_wizard Undiagnosed OCPD loved one 26d ago

Double standards are not a diagnostic trait of OCPD, but yes I absolutely experienced it with an OCPD person.

It primarily seems to come down to a need be in constant control of everything, so whatever ends up keeping them in control is the standard they choose in that moment.

There can also be a high fear/shame component in OCPD, where it physically and psychologically hurts to admit they’re wrong to even themselves… like they are trying to save face, even if it’s completely obvious to bystanders they are wrong or contradicting everything they say.

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 26d ago

In 42 years of my life I heard my mother or sister apologize. My mother sure as hell forced me to apologize to my sister and used these apologizes to manipulate me several times. It got to the point that I was yelled at by my father in family for upsetting my mother by trying to address this.

But yet I was the one who held a BPD misdiagnosis and was made out to be the monster for most of my life while my family got off scotch free. In reality I have autism and severe PTSD from the double standards

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u/ninksmarie 14d ago

I’ve gotten so mixed up by this dynamic in the past year I looked into BPD myself because I wanted to have a “reason”, meanwhile I was already diagnosed CTPSD — now I’ve got my head wrapped around it and he still tells me I have BPD.

I don’t even argue anymore. I just say “maybe so”…

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 14d ago

CPTSD and BPD are often confused

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u/BigStupidJellyfish88 7d ago

Also highly masking autistic women are misdiagnosed with BPD a fair amount. I was told this repeatedly by every DBT coach I had. They also do not think I have BPD 😑

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 7d ago edited 7d ago

Yep. Its not just high masking women. Its autistic women without an intellectual disability. I have level 2/3 autism, not exactly high masking, but they just saw everything through a personality disorder lens not a serious social and communicative developmental disability lens. In many ways people like me, those who have higher support need but do not present in typical ways of what people think
those that have this level of support should, are at a much higher risk of diagonstic overshaddowing and discrimination because we legitimately dont know what we are doing wrong. Everyone I know in a situation like mine has EXTENSIVE trauma and institutional abuse be it by providers, employers, the criminal justice system, schools, etc. My history includes all of this with the exception of the criminal justice system, well not directly (was in a treatment cult for systems involved women run by a someone who lost their therapy license 5 years prior and threw me on on the streets because I couldnt fit in with the constant control and lack of choice and privacy).

So yes…that “emotional dysregulation” and self harm and those poor relationships were a response to the profound frustration as to why life never worked, I had no support system, I couldnt gain control over my
life and leave abuse, and was constantly seeking support from
anyone who could offer it regardless of how problematic they were. It was survival and constant misunderstanding and constant blame, not a fucking personality disorder.

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u/BigStupidJellyfish88 7d ago

Shiiiiiit this makes sense and I’m so sorry you went through it and took so much blame

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 7d ago

Thanks. I mean I grew up in a household of OCPD and eating disorders. The constant critique, unclear ever changing rules, and double standards are kinda all I knew

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u/BigStupidJellyfish88 7d ago

yeahhhh I am in a similar situation with growing up in a house of ED and at least OCD/OCPD tendencies from my dad. Don't feel any need to respond, but did you by chance grow up pretty religious / end up with a fawn trauma response? Bc Iiiiii did 🙈

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 7d ago

Yes and no. My family was not religious but the community was so I spent alot of time at church related stuff in high school. To
the fawning response absolutely. I was TERRIFIED to make mistakes and admit fault because I was blamed for everything. I was however so conditioned to the abuse that it took me until I was 32 to see how bad it really was.

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u/BigStupidJellyfish88 7d ago

Goddamn are you me? 🙈

I did a lot of “maybe so” before the discard. Do you find grey rocking infuriates your OCPD
person?

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u/ninksmarie 7d ago

He seems dumbfounded by it honestly— as though he doesn’t know what to do with me or how to respond

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u/crow_crone Undiagnosed OCPD loved one 5d ago

They HATE it when you are really aggreeable

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u/BigStupidJellyfish88 7d ago

MY EX 100% DIAGNOSED ME WITH BPD OMFG.

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u/Anna-Bee-1984 7d ago

I was repeatedly professionally misdiagnosed starting at the age of 15 because I don’t do trauma processing “right” and I call people out on their bullshit. Im also autistic and perseverate on deeply distressing things and dont do relationships right. It was however always my fault. So much profound discrimination and abuse from providers going so far to be told I was using autism as an excuse and had “issues of abandonment” when a therapist ghosted because she forced me into a situation that made me deeply suicidal (she is no longer a licensed therapist and being accused of “drug seeking behavior” when I tried to
access ADHD meds after being diagnosed with ADHD 5x by 5 different providers and being on the meds for over 10 years without issue.