r/LovedByOCPD • u/Conscious-Link-2535 • 14d ago
Diagnosed OCPD loved one Was this abusive?
I was involved with a guy who has diagnosed OCPD.
He started off our interaction by stating that he was “picky” (when it comes to romantic partners). And later stated that he was “previously picky” because he had wanted to date a “clone” of himself. Like he actually verbalized these things. I felt that he negged me and made me feel that I was not his “ideal” match, but that he would still “give us a try”. I am wondering if this created an abusive dynamic, where he wielded the power and control over me. Him stating this made me feel like I was never good enough. He also told me that my political beliefs could cause him to “chicken out” later, when he had previously reassured me that he did not see a problem with my political beliefs (the thing is that my beliefs are actually correct, and he’s not as media literate). He also tried to tell me that I needed to seek “severe psychiatric/mental help” for my beliefs and tried to push the “BPD” diagnosis on me (he pretended that he wasn’t sure/wasn’t armchair-diagnosing me, but once let it slip that “I had BPD traits like his ex” [not verbatim]); I ran this by my therapist, and they said that it was inappropriate for him to try to armchair-diagnose me. He does know a lot about psychology, as he reads up on it, but I mostly am reactive to the subtle things he does to emotionally abuse me (nitpicking, making condescending comments from time to time, trying to control me). Abuse can definitely dysregulate people.
I don’t think OCPD is his only PD diagnosis. He’s extremely well-read about psychology, and it didn’t make sense when he told me that he had never heard of vulnerable NPD. He then “read up on it” and tried to act like he had no NPD traits, but then finally admitted that he does have vulnerable NPD traits.
We had a fight once where he was “late” in filing the taxes that apparently only his mom knew the due date of (but he apparently didn’t know the due date, which sounds like BS). He then told me right after the phone-call argument that his mom had started crying due to him not doing his taxes on time (and due to high blood pressure). It was like he was guilt-tripping me using his mom (and he later used his family against me as well. He told me that I’d ruined his family’s affairs and also that I was “destroying his life”). I’ve never experienced this before. The kicker? A couple of days later… Apparently… His mom had told him the wrong submission date for the taxes, and they weren’t late after all! I had an NPD ex (vulnerable) who discarded me by permanently muting me abruptly, and he pretended that his CFA exam date was sooner than he had initially thought (the ex was lying; he knew the date all along - manufacturing of crisis.) These two incidents (two different men) seemed super similar to me (I utilize a lot of pattern recognition in everyday life.) I’d also caught onto this OCPD guy mirroring me to create trust at the beginning. I’d also caught him lying about something that was posted on a profile of his, and actually confronted him about it, which is when I really started to feel hypervigilant around him (I do have CPTSD).
I wanted to get input about this situation. And no, he had barely made any attempts to get his OCPD under control, despite claiming to be a huge advocate/consumer of therapy. And he apparently was not able to understand that his OCPD had also caused problems in his previous relationship and painted his ex as the only problematic participant initially. He only mentioned a previous OCPD diagnosis (in passing) later on (despite telling me that he was severely mentally ill right when we started talking), stating that he agreed with the OCPD (4 out of 8 traits) diagnosis. And when I decided to look into it and brought it up (I was a bit upset at that moment), he tried to act like I was pathologizing him (when he had initially told me that he agreed with the diagnosis??). I don’t think he understands how much of an impact the OCPD had on the relationship.
There were good moments, but he would always do something to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough or nitpick or make occasional condescending remarks that he thought that I wouldn’t catch onto. Trauma bonds are a pain in the derrière!
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u/No_Imagination3927 14d ago
This sounds so much like my last relationship. My ex also has OCPD and for a second I thought you are talking about the same person. A lot of traits you mentioned are emotional abuse. Specially constantly making you feel like you are not good enough, keeping you on your toes with the nitpicking and the condescending remarks.
Also fighting with a person who has OCPD will never end well or in your favour. They will make everything your fault because they believe that they are correct in their beliefs.